South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut Page #12

MR. MACKEY

Mkay, it's come to my attention, that you

boys have a potty-mouth problem, mkay.

Now the sooner you recognize your

problem, mkay, the sooner we can get you

back to your third grade homeroom where

you belong.

KYLE:

But they're just words, Mr. Mackey. Our

parents are over-reacting.

BEBE:

Yeah, Wendy's here, and she doesn't even

like Terrance and Phillip!

Wendy looks bored. Stan tries to smile at her, but she

doesn't even acknowledge him.

Meanwhile, Cartman is violently shaking in his seat.

CARTMAN:

Ugh... You guys, seriously... I'm having

Cheesy Poof withdrawal...

MR. MACKEY

Mkay, kids from all over the State have

been brought here, because you all share

the same problem. Uh, young man... Let's

start with you.

He points at Gregory. The little British bastard from the

lake.

GREGORY:

My name is Gregory... And I have a potty

mouth.

Wendy looks at Gregory. Stan notices this.

CARTMAN:

You've got a stupid accent too.

MR. MACKEY

Eric, that is not appropriate.

CARTMAN:

What? F*** French people. F*** 'em in the

ear.

MR. MACKEY

Mkay, you see, children. This is exactly

what I'm talking about. We have to change

the way you think.

GREGORY:

How are you gonna do that?

Mr. Mackey crosses to a piano. He plays chords while speaking

the following lines.

MR. MACKEY

There are times when you get suckered in,

by drugs and alcohol and sex with wom-en.

But it's when you do these things too

much

(Singing)

That you've got to clear your head

and get back in touch...

Mr. Mackey plays the piano and sings:

MR. MACKEY

You can do it, it's all up to you,

mkay?

With a method, there's nothing you

can't do, mkay?

You don't have to spend your life

addicted to crack

Homeless on the streets giving hand-

jobs for cash

as long as you follow this simple

plan

I'm fully convinced that it's,

easy, mkay...

The kids are extremely disinterested. Mackey walks over to a

chalkboard.

MR. MACKEY

Step one:
Think about fun. Think

about all that you'll miss addicted

to this

Step two:
Think it all through.

Think how's this gonna change my

life, what am I gonna miss?

Step three:
Go and hug a tree, Hug

anything that gets in your way!

And step four:
Just don't do it

anymore - it's easy, Mkay!

Mackey gets the children in a circle all holding hands.

MR. MACKEY

Come on, kids! Sing along!

KIDS:

(Extremely half-assed)

You can do it, it's all up to you

mkay?

With a method, there's nothing you

can't do, mkay?

We don't have to spend our lives

addicted to crack

Homeless on the streets giving hand-

jobs for cash

MR. MACKEY

As long as you follow my simple

plan

I'm fully convinced that it's,

easy, mkay...

Everyone starts dancing in a circle.

KIDS:

Step one:
Think about fun. Think

about all that you'll miss addicted

to this Step two: Think it all

through. Think how's this gonna

change my life, what am I gonna

miss?

Step three:
Go and hug a tree, Hug

anything that gets in your way!

And step four:
Just don't do it

anymore - it's easy, Mkay!

MR. MACKEY

It's easy, Mkay?!

Everyone falls down laughing.

INT. REHAB CENTER - LOUNGE

Kyle's mom and the other moms watch the kids and Mr. Mackey

rolling around on the floor laughing on a security monitor.

KYLE'S MOTHER

What the hell do they think this is?!

Summer camp?!

INT. REHAB CENTER - SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER

Just then, Kyle's mother walks in with a scowling look,

interupting the kids and Mr. Mackey who are still laughing

merrily. The other mothers are behind her.

KYLE'S MOTHER

Mr. Mackey, what is going on?!

Mr. Mackey stands up, looking scared.

MR. MACKEY

Uh, we're just, starting our program...

KYLE'S MOTHER

This is NOT a place for fun and games!

This is rehabilitation! Now GET TO IT!!

We at MAC have a trial to go to!

The mothers walk away.

MR. MACKEY

Mkay.

CARTMAN:

God Damn it your mom is a b*tch, Kyle.

Kyle hangs his head.

EXT. SUPREME COURT - DAY

A news reporter stands in front of the Supreme Court. All

around him are protestors, with signs that say CANADA NO! and

CAN'TADA! Still others hold signs with Kenny on them.

NEWS REPORTER:

Tom I'm standing in front of the U.S.

Supreme Court where the most important

trial of the - day - is happening.

Thousands of people have shown up from

all over the country to show their

outrage and disgust at Canada. Joining me

now is Mrs. McKormick, mother of the poor

little boy who was killed by the

Canadians.

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