South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut Page #13

Kenny's mother steps into frame. She is wearing a shirt with

Kenny's picture on it. Written on the T-shirt is 'Have you

seen my son? No, you haven't. He's dead.'

NEWS REPORTER:

Mrs. McKormick, you must really hate the

Canadians.

KENNY'S MOTHER

Yes, yes I do, Tom.

NEWS REPORTER:

Did you ever think you would see the day

when thousands of people were wearing

your son Kenny on T-shirts?

KENNY'S MOTHER

No I didn't. But if any of you would like

one they're 14.95. Available in blue or

white.

The reporter thinks for a second, and then turns back to the

camera.

NEWS REPORTER:

Well, we can only imagine the intense,

vehement trial that is going on inside.

INT. SUPREME COURT - DAY

Terrance and Phillip are on the stand.

JOHNNY COCHRAN:

Terrance and Phillip... You knowingly,

with malice of forethought were trying to

destroy American culture, yes or no?

Terrance rips a fart.

JOHNNY COCHRAN:

YES OR NO!

INT. REHAB CENTER - SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER

The kids are all in the main room, sitting on a couch,

huddled around a television.

They laugh merrily.

STAN:

Shh! Mr. Mackey's gonna hear us!

INT. SUPREME COURT - DAY

TERRANCE:

The Americans are just showing their TRUE

COLORS as smelly bastards.

PHILLIP:

Fight the power!

TERRANCE:

The young boy that died lit himself on

fire. It was unfortunate, but how can

they blame US?

PHILLIP:

Don't believe the hype!!

Terrance and Phillip laugh merrily.

INT. REHAB CENTER - SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER

The kids all shout agreement.

KIDS:

(Adlib)

Yeah! WooHoo!

BACK TO COURTHOUSE

Terrance and Phillip laugh merrily.

TERRANCE:

You cannot oppress us! We will continue

to pursue our art. We know there are

Americans out there who will help us!

Kyle's mother now stands up from the prosecutor's table.

KYLE'S MOTHER

Your 'ART' is shallow and immature! We

Americans do NOT allow that for our

children!!

PHILLIP:

Please. You teach your children that

America is the land of the free. But it's

all bullshit. You're one of the most

conservative countries in the world!

INT. REHAB CENTER - SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER

The children all listen, wide-eyed.

INT. SUPREME COURT - DAY

TERRANCE:

The problem is you don't allow your

children to think for themselves. You try

to raise them in a protective bubble, and

then when they finally get old enough,

they realize they've been lied to, and

they resent you for it.

PHILLIP:

Yeah, God, no wonder your country is so

f***ed up.

KYLE'S MOTHER

THAT IS ENOUGH!!

TERRANCE:

WAKE UP AMERICA! YOUR government censors

YOU from the world.

KYLE'S MOTHER

NO THEY DON'T!

PHILLIP:

YES THEY DO! AND I'LL PROVE IT TO YOU! IN

MARCH OF LAST YEAR, THE AMERICAN

GOVERNMENT-

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP.

Suddenly, the screen goes blank. A sign that says 'PLEASE

STAND BY' comes on.

INT. REHAB CENTER - SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER

The kids all watch, wide-eyed.

KYLE:

What happened?

WENDY:

The station CONVENIENTLY went blank.

INT. CANADIAN PRESS CONFERENCE - DAY

The Canadian Prime Minister stands directly in front of

camera, looking right at us.

CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER

ATTENTION AMERICA!! You have taken our

national treasure Terrance and Phillip.

We, in turn, have taken yours... The

Smothers Brothers!

The Canadian Prime Minister steps out of the way, revealing

the Smothers Brothers tied up in chairs behind him.

CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER

I'll let you catch your breath... Now,

release Terrance and Phillip, or else we

will EXECUTE your beloved Smothers

Brothers!!

TOMMY SMOTHERS:

Please listen to them!!

DICK SMOTHERS:

They're not f***ing around!!

CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER

We're not f***ing around. This is not

aboot deals. This aboot dignity. This is

aboot freedom... This is aboot respect.

RETURN Terrance and Phillip NOW!!!

Another Canadian leans in and whispers in the Prime

Minister's ear.

CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER

Oh yeah... AND F*** YOU, AMERICA!

He raises his middle finger, but it's all blurred and

digitized.

INT. REHAB CENTER - SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER

MR. MACKEY

Okay kids, for today's rehabilitation

activity, we're going to watch the

Terrance and Phillip movie.

STAN:

What?!

KYLE:

Sweet!

MR. MACKEY

Now, this is an EDITED version of the

movie, which was put out by the MPAA.

That's the Motion Picture Association of

America.

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