South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut Page #14

WENDY:

Isn't that censorship?

MR. MACKEY

No the MPAA is NOT a censorship group.

WENDY:

Why not?

MR. MACKEY

Uh... Because they say so... Mkay. Now I

want you to watch this movie, with all

the immature profanity taken out, and

notice how much better a movie it

becomes...

Mackey puts the tape in and hits play.

The TITLES come up 'Terrance and Phillip Asses of Fire'

Except that 'Asses' has been blurred out, and replaced with

'bunz'.

KIDS:

HOORAY!!!

The movie begins. Phillip walks in. But it isn't Phillip's

voice, somebody has dubbed him over.

DUBBED PHILLIP:

Hey Terrance. I feel like I'm going to

pass gas near your head.

DUBBED TERRANCE:

I would rather you didn't, Phillip.

DUBBED PHILLIP:

Oh? Is that so?

Phillip farts on Terrance.

TERRANCE:

Oh, you are such a maroon!

PHILLIP:

You would know, dummy.

The boys look confused.

TERRANCE:

You are pigeon-like in your intelligence.

The pseudo-Terrance and Phillip laugh. Terrance throws a

match on Phillip and Phillip burns to death.

A TITLE comes up - THE END.

And the credits roll.

CARTMAN:

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!

KYLE:

Dude, they cut out 92 minutes!

The lights in the theater come up.

MR. MACKEY

So you see, the point and the theme of

the film is kept intact. And of course,

the MPAA didn't cut out any of the

graphic violence. What did you think?

CARTMAN:

Oh man, I'm gonna need a cherry pie to

get the taste of ass out of my mouth from

that piece of sh*t movie.

MR. MACKEY

Eric, you're not watching your mouth!

CARTMAN:

You get me Cheesy Poofs with the

delightful cheddar crunch, and I'll watch

my f***ing mouth!

MR. MACKEY

Eric!!!! You need to be rehabilitated.

Help me to help you!

CARTMAN:

Help yourself prickfuck!

MR. MACKEY

I am not a prickfuck, mkay? You little

a**hole!

Mackey slaps his hand over his mouth and looks around, scared.

CARTMAN:

Ha, ha, you stupid a**hole prickfuck.

INT. REHAB CENTER - SEPARATE ROOM

Mr. Mackey is in a private office with the members of M.A.C.

KYLE'S MOTHER

How is the children's progress?

MR. MACKEY

Very encouraging. Most of the children

have been weened from their naughty

mouths.

KYLE'S MOTHER

What do you mean MOST, why not ALL?

MR. MACKEY

(Nervous)

Well, some of the children just don't

respond to 12 step programs.

KYLE'S MOTHER

Then we'll have to resort to plan B and

call the v-chip organization.

Dramatic MUSIC STING. Mackey looks afraid.

MR. MACKEY

Mrs. Brovlofski, the V-chip hasn't been

fully tested yet, it could be dangerous.

KYLE'S MOTHER

(Evil)

I don't care if it's dangerous! Desperate

times call for desperate measures, Mr.

Mackey. Perhaps I need to remind you of

your situation.

MR. MACKEY

(Nervous)

Alright, I'll make the call...

INT. REHAB CENTER - SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER

The kids are again glued to the TV watching the trial of

Terrance and Phillip.

INT. SUPREME COURT - DAY

Back in the courthouse, the jury walks in and sits down.

JUDGE:

Madam foreman, have you reached a

verdict?

FOREMAN:

We have, your honor.

JUDGE:

How find you, the jury?

FOREMAN:

We the jury, find the defendants...

Terrance and Phillip... GUILTY of being

complete bastards.

The crowd goes wild. The mothers of M.A.C. stand and cheer.

INT. REHAB CENTER - SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER

The kids sit in shock.

KYLE:

Oh no!

INT. COURTROOM - DAY

TERRANCE:

Oh oh, Phillip. You know what this means?

PHILLIP:

We'll be farting bread and water for a

few years.

The judge bangs her gavel.

JUDGE:

Terrance and Phillip, for crimes against

the great nation of America you are

hereby sentenced to DEATH.

HUGE MUSIC STING.

TERRANCE:

DEATH?! You gotta be shittin' me!

PHILLIP:

Aghgh!

Phillip passes out.

INT. REHAB CENTER - SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER

The kids can't believe what they're seeing. Everyone is

silent. Finally, Kyle perks up.

KYLE:

Dude, let's help Terrance and Phillip!!

STAN:

How do we do that?

Kyle thinks for a moment.

WENDY:

You raise awareness by distributing

buttons, stickers and leaflets.

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