South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut Page #15

CARTMAN:

That'd be sweet! We could try to bring

back Cheesy Poofs!

KYLE:

Yeah, let's make Free Terrance and

Phillip buttons!

WENDY:

You guys don't even care. All you care

about is seeing Terrance and Phillip fart

on each other more.

The boys sit there and blink.

STAN:

Yeah!

WENDY:

This is about freedom of speech, Stan,

about censorship.

The handsome English kid, Gregory chimes in.

GREGORY:

Yes, what's next? Barcodes on our

forearms? This country is the most

fascist of all.

Wendy looks at Gregory deeply. Gregory smiles at her.

STAN:

What the hell are you talking about, kid?

WENDY:

You don't get it Stan... You just don't

get it.

Wendy walks away.

STAN:

What? What don't I get?

(To Kyle)

What don't I get?

KYLE:

I don't know, dude.

STAN:

That British dickhole is what's taking

Wendy away from me!

KYLE:

I thought she wasn't your girlfriend,

dude.

STAN:

She's Not! But if she WAS it would be

THAT little a**hole who's f***ing it up

for me!

INT. REHAB CENTER - SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER

The kids are all sitting in rows, wearing very crude 'Free

Terrance and Phillip' buttons.

MR. MACKEY

Mkay, children, you've all made terrific

progress, and are hereby done with the

eight step program.

The kids all AD LIB relief.

CARTMAN:

Thank God, that sucked ass.

MR. MACKEY

Uh, except for you Eric. I'm afraid you

need to work more on not saying the F

word and the N word.

CARTMAN:

The N word?

MR. MACKEY

(Reading)

Norwegian Ass Raper.

CARTMAN:

Oh yeah.

MR. MACKEY

The rest of you are graduated. You can go

home today.

The kids cheer.

CARTMAN:

I don't graduate?! WHAT THE F*** IS

THIS?! THIS IS BULLSHIT?!

Just then, Mackey notices the little buttons on everybody's

shirts.

MR. MACKEY

Free Terrance and Phillip? Oh no... Mkay.

KYLE:

(Proudly)

We're protesting!

STAN:

Yeah!

MR. MACKEY

Well, boys, it might interest you to know

that your FRIENDS the Canadians have just

bombed the U.S.

STAN:

They did?!

MR. MACKEY

Yes, at six this morning they bombed the

heck out of Cleveland.

KYLE:

Oh. That doesn't count.

WENDY:

They only bombed Cleveland because we're

going to Execute two of their citizens!!

MR. MACKEY

Wendy, Mkay, if you want to start getting

political, I'll throw your skinny little

butt right back into rehab. Mkay?

CARTMAN:

HOW THE F*** CAN YOU NOT GRADUATE ME?!

DOES THAT MEAN I HAVE TO STAY HERE?!

MR. MACKEY

No, Eric... I'm afraid it's phase two for

you...

Dramatic MUSIC sting.

INT. HELL - DAY

Kenny is chained up in a torture chamber in Hell. Demons and

ghouls surround him.

SATAN:

Prepare thyself for unending pain!

Unparalleled misery!!

Kenny starts to cry.

Saddam Hussein comes out from behind Satan holding a martini.

SADDAM HUSSEIN:

Hey, relax Satan. Don't get all worked

up. You're gonna give yourself an ulcer

again.

KENNY:

Mrph mprph!!

SADDAM HUSSEIN:

What? What do you mean you don't belong

here? Relax guy, hell is for children.

KENNY:

Mrph mprhm mm rmph!

SADDAM HUSSEIN:

A deal? You wanna make a deal with the

devil. Well sure, deals are mounds o'

fun.

SATAN:

(To Saddam)

Saddam, would you let me do my job

please!

SADDAM HUSSEIN:

Hey relax, guy. Let's see what the kid

wants.

KENNY:

Mph rmph rm rmph rmph rm!

SADDAM HUSSEIN:

Oh, you want out of hell, huh?

SATAN:

Well of COURSE he wants out of hell! The

whole POINT of hell is that you don't

WANT to be here!

SADDAM HUSSEIN:

Okay, kid, I have a deal for you! If you

want out of hell, all you have to do is

collect 10 proofs of purchases from

'Snacky Smores.' They're rich,

chocolatey and really hit the spot. Bring

me ten proofs of purchases and we'll

grant you ANY WISH YOU WANT.

KENNY:

Mrph?

SADDAM HUSSEIN:

I wouldn't bullshit you kid! Snacky

Smores are now available in stores

everywhere! No biggie!

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