South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut Page #16

Saddam walks over to Kenny and releases his chains.

SADDAM HUSSEIN:

(To Kenny)

Well what are you waiting for pal?! Get

to it!

Kenny runs out and away.

SADDAM HUSSEIN:

HA HA HAHA!! What a dumbass!!

Saddam walks over and joins Satan on the couch.

SATAN:

I don't see why you have to belittle me

in front of people like that.

SADDAM HUSSEIN:

Hey, relax guy. It's just a cruel joke.

Rich, chocolatey Snacky Smores are only

available up on Earth. He'll never get

'em, see?

SATAN:

Sometimes I just think you don't have any

respect for me.

SADDAM HUSSEIN:

Hey, come here, guy.

Saddam pulls Satan around and plants a big wet kiss on him.

SADDAM HUSSEIN:

Who's my cream puff?

SATAN:

I am.

INT. PTA MEETING - DAY

A large crowd of parents has gathered for a PTA meeting.

Kenny's mother is at a table selling dead Kenny t-shirts. She

has a shitload of money all around her. Another MOTHER walks

up, hands Kenny's mom money, and gets a shirt.

MOTHER:

Is that a new pearl bracelet, Mrs.

McKormick?

KENNY'S MOTHER

Why yes. Yes it is.

Meanwhile, Kyle's mother is on the stand.

KYLE'S MOTHER

As our next official order of business

here at M.A.C., we will test the new V-

chip. As most of you know, the V-chip was

created to lock children out of watching

certain shows on television. And now the

N.I.H. has created a new, exciting

product that they can tell us all about.

Here is the Surgeon General, Dr.

Pangloss.

DOCTOR PANGLOSS, a lab technician in white takes the podium.

DOCTOR PANGLOSS:

Thank you, parents.

One person claps. Pangloss hits a button and a slide

projector starts showing pictures of the device.

DOCTOR PANGLOSS:

The machinery of the new 'V-chip' is very

simple, and similar to that of the V-

chip. The chip is placed just under the

subject's skin, where it emits a small

but painful shock of electricity whenever

an obscenity is uttered.

The parents are fascinated.

STAN'S FATHER

Now wait a minute, are you telling us

that this chip somehow KNOWS if the kid

is swearing?

DOCTOR PANGLOSS:

It's just like a lie detector. Certain

things happen in you when you swear just

like when you lie, the chip picks up on

this and gives the subject a shock.

The parents AD LIB 'Ooohs' and 'Ahhhhs'

DOCTOR PANGLOSS:

We are very excited to see the results of

this test.

(Calling)

Patient 453, would you step out here,

please?

Cartman steps out wearing a hospital gown.

DOCTOR PANGLOSS:

Patient 453 here has been fitted with the

new v-chip...

CARTMAN:

My head hurts.

DOCTOR PANGLOSS:

Don't worry about that. Now, I want you

to say 'Doggy.'

CARTMAN:

Doggy.

DOCTOR PANGLOSS:

Notice that nothing happens.

(To Cartman)

Now say 'Montana.'

CARTMAN:

Montana.

DOCTOR PANGLOSS:

Good. Now 'Pillow'.

CARTMAN:

Pillow.

DOCTOR PANGLOSS:

Alright, now I want you to say

'horsefucker.'

Cartman looks offstage to his mother.

CARTMAN'S MOTHER

Go ahead, it's alright, Eric.

Cartman smiles.

CARTMAN:

Horsefuck-

BZZZZZAAAAT!!!!

CARTMAN:

AGAAHGAHGAH!!!!!

Cartman falls to the floor in pain. All the parents ooh and

ahh and applaud.

CARTMAN:

OW!! That HURT GOD DAMMI-

BAZAAATTT!!

CARTMAN:

OW!! YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!! THIS ISN'T

FAIR!!! YOU SONS A BITCHE--

BAZAAATTT!!

DOCTOR PANGLOSS:

Success!! Our device works perfectly! We

will begin mass production immediately!

KYLE'S MOTHER

And so we have succesfully removed the

Canadian smut from all of our children's

brains.

We have made changes at school to ensure

that our kids are NEVER AGAIN exposed to

smut!!!!!!! It's OVER!

The crowd goes wild.

EXT. SCHOOL - DAY

School is now Naziesque. A military drum echoes in the

distance.

INT. CLASSROOM - SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY

Stan and Kyle are sitting in their desks, waiting for school

to begin.

Wendy walks by on her way to her desk.

STAN:

Hi Wendy.

WENDY:

(Not even looking)

Hi Stan.

Wendy walks on by.

KYLE:

Wow, dude. Wendy could really give a rats

ass about you.

STAN:

(Eyes still on Wendy)

I bet she would if my name was GREGORY!!

KYLE:

Good thing she was never your

girlfriend... Dude, here comes Cartman.

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