South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut Page #17

Cartman walks in and gingerly sits down.

KYLE:

Hey, Cartman, did they put that V-chip in

your head or your ass?

STAN:

What's the difference?

Stan and Kyle laugh.

CARTMAN:

Very funny d*ckhead-

BZZAAT! The v-chip shocks Cartman.

CARTMAN:

OW! F***-

BZZZAAAT!!

CARTMAN:

AY!

Cartman is thrown to the floor in a shivering heap.

KYLE:

Whoa! What the hell was that?!

STAN:

Dude! It's the V-chip! It shocks him

ever time he cusses!

Stan and Kyle look at each other. Kyle smiles.

KYLE:

Hey Cartman.

CARTMAN:

What?

KYLE:

You know, me and Stan were just talking

about what a fat f***ing hunk o' fat f***

you are.

CARTMAN:

Oh yeah?! Well you're a monkey-sh*t-

BZAAAT!

CARTMAN:

SH*T-

BZZZAAAT!!

CARTMAN:

F***-

BZZAAAT!! The cycle continues as Stan and Kyle laugh merrily

watching Cartman flopping around on the floor.

KYLE:

This is sweet!!

STAN:

Totally!

Garrison stands before his class.

MR. GARRISON

Okay, children, let's try a few new math

problems. What is five times two?

The kids all just sit there.

MR. GARRISON

Come on, children, do be shy, just give

it your best shot.

Clyde raises his hand.

MR. GARRISON

Yes, Clyde?

CLYDE:

Twelve?

MR. GARRISON

Okay, now let's try to get an answer from

somebody who's not a complete retard.

Anyone? Come on don't be shy...

Just then, the door bursts open and in walks a couple of Nazi

looking American soldiers.

They walk over to the children and start pulling off their

'Free Terrance and Phillip' pins.

STAN:

Hey, what are you doing?

SOLDIER:

You can't wear these in school. It's

against school policy, thank you.

Another solider rips off Kyle's pin and replaces it with a

yellow star.

KYLE:

What's that for?

SOLDIER 2

You get a star for doing well in school.

Just as quickly, the soldiers make their way out the door.

WENDY:

NAZIS!!

STAN:

What's the matter, Wendy?

WENDY:

Nothing, Stan. You wouldn't understand.

STAN:

(To Kyle)

God damn it, why does she keep saying

that?

INT. CAFETERIA - DAY

The boys are in line. Nazi-ish soldiers usher them through.

STAN:

I'm so sick of these soldiers.

KYLE:

Yeah, they suck.

CARTMAN:

I know. Always saying, do this, do that.

They think they're so cooool.

(To the soldier)

Acht lieben kraft auct shpiler!

(BZZZT)

OW!!!

The soldier glares at him. The boys walk into the kitchen,

where they are greeted by their big, happy, black school

CHEF!

CHEF:

Hello there, children!!

STAN:

Hey, Chef.

CHEF:

How would like some Salisbury Steak with

buttered noodles?

KYLE:

We can't, we're on a hunger strike.

CHEF:

A hunger strike? For what?

STAN:

To free Terrance and Phillip.

CARTMAN:

But you guys... It's Salisbury steak.

STAN:

Chef, do you know anything about women?

CHEF:

Ha! Is the Pope Catholic?

KYLE:

I don't know.

CHEF:

Children, I know ALL there is to know

about women.

STAN:

What's the secret to making a woman

happy?

CHEF:

(Dishing out food)

Oh that's easy, you just gotta find the

clitoris.

STAN:

Huh?

Suddenly, Chef realizes who he's talking to.

CHEF:

Oops, I guess you haven't got that far

in your anatomy class, huh?

STAN:

No, what does that mean, find the

clitoris?

CARTMAN:

Is that like finding Jesus or something?

Now Chef starts to panic.

CHEF:

Uh... Nothing. Forget I said anything.

Now move along, children! You're holding

up the line!

Just then, the P.A. blares out an announcement.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA (O.S.)

ATTENTION ALL SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY

STUDENTS AND STAFF! REPORT TO THE

GYMNASIUM IMMEDIATELY FOR A SPECIAL

ANNOUNCEMENT!!

STAN:

Woa, I wonder what's going on, dude.

INT. GYMNASIUM - DAY

All the elementary students are gathered in front of a large

television monitor.

Mr. Garrison and his class walk in and look confused.

The boys walk up to Chef.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA

Please take your seats, everyone!!!!

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