South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut Page #18

They all go to their seats.

KYLE:

What's going on, Chef?

CHEF:

Something big, children.

The television goes from that Emergency broadcast signal to a

scene of a news anchor sitting at his desk.

NEWS ANCHOR:

(Very serious)

This is a State of Emergency. We go now

to the White House for a VERY IMPORTANT

ANNOUNCEMENT from the President of the

United States.

INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY

The President is sitting in a chair by the fireplace.

PRESIDENT CLINTON

Ladies and gentlemen... At five a.m.

today, a day which will live in infamy...

sort of... the U.S. has declared war on

Canada.

ANGLE - KIDS

They all stare in silence. Mr. Garrison takes a deep breath.

CHEF:

Oh, no...

MR. MACKEY

I don't believe it.

CARTMAN:

Holy crap-

(BZZZT!)

OW!! Hey crap isn't a swear word, what

the f***?!

(ZZZZZZTTT)

AGAGAGH!!!

PRESIDENT CLINTON

All Canadians are to leave the country

immediately, or be subject to military

camps. All Canadian products are to be

thrown out.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA

How can they do this?

MR. GARRISON

I never thought there would be war again

in my lifetime...

INT. WHITE HOUSE - DAY

PRESIDENT CLINTON

Do not be afraid of this war. Instead

embrace it. We have God on our side. And

besides, they're just Canadians, what the

hell are they gonna do?

INT. GYMNASIUM - DAY

Everyone watches the television in stunned silence.

STAN:

Chef, what does it mean that we're at

war?

CHEF:

It's... It's not good children.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA

What do we do? Do we go on as normal

or...?

MR. GARRISON

I don't know Principal Victoria... I

don't know...

PRESIDENT:

And now, I would like to bring up the

woman who led, and is still leading the

way in this glorious stand-

KYLE:

(Pointing to TV)

HOLY SH*T DUDE!!

Kyle's mom appears on the TV dressed in military garb.

PRESIDENT:

Mrs. Sheila Brovlofski.

CHEF:

Isn't that your mother, Kyle?

Kyle can't believe it.

On the television, Kyle's mother walks up to the podium. She

is dressed to the hilt. She hugs the President and the first

lady and then takes a deep breath.

KYLE'S MOTHER

My fellow Americans. I have led this

fight in the War against profanity. I

have founded Mothers Against Canada. Our

neighbor to the north has abused us for

the last time.

PRESIDENT:

As Commander in chief, I have ordered our

Army to set up defensive positions along

the US-Canada border in anticipation of

an attack.

KYLE'S MOTHER

What about air strikes?

PRESIDENT:

Huh?

KYLE'S MOTHER

We have to have air strikes on their

military and entertainment centers. It's

the only way to ensure that their smut

can't reach American soil!

PRESIDENT:

Oh, uh... I don't know if air strikes

are necessary.

KYLE'S MOTHER

Not necessary?! Mr. President, may I

remind you that our country's heart and

soul are at stake, and our children's

minds are the battlefield!

The bastard Canadians want to fight us

because we won't tolerate their potty

mouths. Well, if it is war they want...

THEN WAR THEY SHALL HAVE!!!

A huge eruption of cheers from the crowd in front of Kyle's

mother. She is obviously floored by it. She can't help but

smile. She actually holds her head up higher, and then raises

her arms up in two peace signs, as the cheers get louder.

The president forces a smile and actually applauds with the

rest of the crowd.

Back in the gymnasium, Kyle looks thoroughly embarrassed.

CHEF:

Damn, your mom's a b*tch, Kyle.

CARTMAN:

Amen to that.

INT. HELL - DAY

Kenny is sadly walking around hell. He walks up to another

one of hell's prisoners.

KENNY:

Mph rmph rm rmph rm?

GEORGE BURNS:

Snacky Smores? Why the hell would I have

proofs of purchases from Snacky Smores?

Beat it, kid.

Kenny moves along. He hears some voices coming from a door.

Kenny opens the door and peeps inside-

INT. SATAN'S BEDROOM - KENNY'S POV

Saddam and Satan are lying in bed.

SADDAM HUSSEIN:

You just get cranky when you're tired,

that's all. I told you that you

shouldn't have tried to carry that futon

all by yourself.

SATAN:

I'm not cranky. And that futon was not

too big to carry myself-

Just then, Satan hears a reporter on CNN.

TV:

In war news, countries from Europe and

Asia are joining sides in the Canadian-

American War-

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