South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut Page #19

SADDAM HUSSEIN:

-Listen butterbuns, let's make love and

forget about the whole thing-

SATAN:

SHHH!!!!

TV:

...The death count is already on its way

to 10 million with no signs of slowing

down. What started as a spat between the

United States and Canada is quickly

turning into World War III-

Kenny's eyes bulge, he wants to see more, but Satan clicks

off the television and sits up in bed.

SATAN:

It has come to be... The Four Horsemen

are drawing nigh! The time of the

prophecy is upon us!

SADDAM HUSSEIN:

Oh I love when you get all biblical

Satan. You know exactly how to turn my

crank!

SATAN:

No I'm being serious! Those Canadian

entertainers are to be killed. It is the

seventh sign.

Satan walks over to large pedestal which holds an ancient

tome. Satan turns the pages as he talks.

SATAN:

Behold, the signs of my reign on earth

are all falling into place! The fall of

an empire-

He points to an ancient-looking picture of the death of

Ceasar.

SATAN:

-The coming of a comet-

He points to a picture of a comet passing by Earth.

SATAN:

Jerry Springer's movie doing more than

ten million box office-

A picture of Jerry Springer holding a bunch of money.

SATAN:

....And now....

Satan points to an ancient drawing on the wall. It looks like

Terrance and Phillip being stabbed in the head.

SATAN:

The seventh sign! When the blood of

these Canadians touches American soil...

It will be my time to rise!!!!!

DRAMATIC music.

SADDAM HUSSEIN:

Yeah! YEAH!!! Man I'm getting so HOT!!!

SATAN:

Do you always think about sex? I'm

talking about some very important stuff

here!

SADDAM HUSSEIN:

Listen buttercup, let's make love and

forget about the whole thing.

SATAN:

Is sex the only thing that matters to

you?

Saddam thinks for a second.

SADDAM HUSSEIN:

I love you.

Satan sits with his arms crossed and a frown.

SADDAM HUSSEIN:

You know I do.

SATAN:

I know.

SADDAM HUSSEIN:

So what do you say we shut off that light

and get close, huh?

Satan reaches over and turns off the light. Everything goes

pitch black. The light goes off of Kenny's face as well.

A beat.

Then, a small moan from Satan.

SADDAM HUSSEIN:

Yeah, you like that, don't you b*tch?

EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE - DAY

Stan and Kyle are walking down South Park Avenue. Stan is

reading out of a huge book.

KYLE:

Does it say what the clitoris is?

STAN:

All it says is that it's above the

vulva... But where the hell is the vulva?

KYLE:

Isn't that in Arizona or something?

Stan and Kyle walk into the middle of town, where a HUGE

bonfire of Terrance and Phillip videos, posters, and Canadian

items like syrup and hockey sticks are burning away.

The soldiers throw Stan's book on top of the pile, and it

starts to burn.

Stan and Kyle walk up to where Cartman is standing.

STAN:

What is this?

CARTMAN:

They're burning all the Canadian stuff

cause of the war.

STAN:

That book wasn't Canadian!

Clyde, one of the kids from school, throws his Terrance and

Phillip dolls into the burning mass.

Kyle stops him on his way back.

KYLE:

Dude, don't you like Terrance and Phillip

anymore?

CLYDE:

Of course not! We're at war! My daddy

says I HATE Canadians now!

More kids line up to burn their Terrance and Phillip stuff.

Several random mothers from M.A.C. are standing in front of

the bonfire with anti-Canadian signs and T-shirts. The boys'

parents aren't around, but another MAC mother is leading the

charge.

MAC MOTHER:

THAT'S IT! BURN EVERYTHING CANADIAN!!!

MAKE OUR COUNTRY DECENT AGAIN FOR OUR

CHILDREN!!!

A townsperson throws Alanis Morisette albums into the fire.

Another townsperson runs up and throws in a bag of Cheesy

Poofs.

CARTMAN:

NNOOOO!!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! OH, WHY

GOD, WHY?!

Cartman falls to his knees and cries as the Cheesy Poofs burn

away.

CARTMAN:

This is all cause of your mom, Kyle.

She's such a b*tch-

(BBBZAATT!!)

AGH!! I mean - she's such a... meanie.

KYLE:

And she's getting worse...

STAN:

Dude... Isn't that your brother?

Kyle looks to where a group of big, mean FIFTH GRADERS have

encircled Ike.

FIFTH GRADER:

Why don't you go back to your own

country, CANADIAN!

FIFTH GRADER 2

Yeah, go eat some potatoes and ride

donkeys!

IKE:

Eee todo ba!

Kyle's eyes grow wide. He dashes over.

KYLE:

Hey! Leave him alone!

FIFTH GRADER:

It's just a smelly Canadian. They're like

rats.

Rate this script:5.0 / 2 votes