South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut Page #21

The boys all think...

STAN:

(Dramatically)

La Resistance.

Triumphant MUSIC cue.

INT. KYLE'S ATTIC

The door to the attic pops open. Kyle shoves Ike up into the

attic.

KYLE:

You stay up here in the attic, Ike.

Don't make any noises or nothing, okay?

IKE:

Uhh...

KYLE:

Goodnight, Ike, we're all going to bed.

The door closes and it is dark.

Ike blinks. He looks out a small window, onto the street

below.

A few armed soldiers walk by.

Ike pulls out a little plastic harmonica and sadly starts to

play.

INT. PENTAGON - NIGHT

Tons of MILITARY PERSONNEL are running to and fro. Giant

computer screens show Canada's latest attacks.

SECRETARY OF DEFENSE

Sir! The Canadians have destroyed Des

Moines!!

PRESIDENT:

How can you tell?

Everyone laughs merrily.

SECRETARY OF DEFENSE

Good one, sir!

Suddenly, a PENTAGON GUY runs up to the President, holding

some papers.

PENTAGON GUY:

Sir, we're tracking a signal crossing

into Canadian computers! It looks like we

may have a resistance movement

starting...

The President grabs the papers and dashes over to Kyle's

mother, who is standing there looking smug, with her arms

behind her back and her chest out. She has a few military

badges on her.

PRESIDENT:

(Showing her the papers)

Ma'am, we're tracking a resistance...

It's probably Canadian spies!!

KYLE'S MOTHER

Well find out where that signal is coming

from! Then hunt them down like dogs!

Any and all Canadian influence must be

stopped at all cost!

PRESIDENT:

Yes ma'am!

The President starts to run off.

KYLE'S MOTHER

And Bill?

PRESIDENT:

Yes?

KYLE'S MOTHER

I'm needing lunch.

PRESIDENT:

Right away, ma'am!

The president runs off.

EXT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Establishing.

RADIO ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

And so the draft will begin tomorrow, as

more and more troops are needed to fight

the Canadian forces...

INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Cartman's mother is tucking him into bed.

RADIO ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

What is quickly being referred to as 'The

Great Canadian-American War' has already

reached a death toll of two million.

Cartman's mother reaches over and switches off the radio.

CARTMAN'S MOTHER

Goodnight, honey.

CARTMAN:

Mom... When is the war gonna be over?

CARTMAN'S MOTHER

I don't know honey. Soon we hope. You

want it to end quickly, huh?

CARTMAN:

Oh, I don't care, I was just asking cuz

all my favorite TV shows have been

replaced by news and it's pissing me off.

CARTMAN'S MOTHER

Oh.

With that, Cartman's mother gets up-

CARTMAN:

Mom...

CARTMAN'S MOTHER

Yes, hon?

CARTMAN:

If you went down on a horse... You'd tell

me, right?

CARTMAN'S MOTHER

Sure, hon. Goodnight.

She switches off the light, and leaves.

Cartman lies there, lit only by soft, blue moonlight and

thinks.

He hears a SCRAPING noise, and looks a little scared, but

then tries to close his eyes to sleep.

CARTMAN:

Go away, scary noise.

Again the SCRAPING. Cartman pops open hs eyes to see -

KENNY! He is transparent and floating above Cartman's bed.

Cartman is horrified. Too much so to even scream.

Kenny puts his hands to his mouth to try and speak, but he

makes no sound.

Finally, Cartman lets out a piercing cry.

Cartman's mother comes running in, just as the image of Kenny

disappears.

CARTMAN'S MOTHER

Eric?! Eric, what is it?!

CARTMAN:

I saw him!! I saw Kenny!!

Cartman's mother looks around and sees nothing. Finally, she

just cradles Cartman's fat head in her arms.

CARTMAN'S MOTHER

Oh you poor dear. You've been through so

much...

CARTMAN:

I bet him he couldn't set himself on fire

and now he's all pissed off!!

(BZZTZT!)

AGH! I can't say pissed off?!

(BAZZTZT!!)

AGH!!

INT. HELL - DAY (MOVED)

Kenny is again snooping around. He quietly creaks Satan's

door open and walks in.

Satan is in his room, looking at a map of Earth.

SATAN:

The execution of Terrance and Phillip is

imminent, soon all hell shall rise!!

Kenny looks scared.

SATAN:

(Evil and scary)

Are you afraid, little one? Afraid for

the souls of your pitiful friends that-

Suddenly, Saddam walks in carrying some bags.

SADDAM HUSSEIN:

Hey Satan! I got some great new home

furnishings today!

Satan rolls his eyes and sighs. His attempt to be evil to

Kenny is squashed again.

SADDAM HUSSEIN:

Boy buddy Rich, it was a b*tch to get

something to match with that bathroom

tile!

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