South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut Page #26

SATAN:

What if I just left?

SADDAM HUSSEIN:

Where're you gonna go, b*tch? Besides,

you know that if you left me, I'd hunt

you down and kill you, right? I'm gonna

go grab a drink.

Saddam leaves. Satan looks about to cry, but then notices

Kenny still standing there.

SATAN:

What are you doing?! Get on with your

misery!

KENNY:

Mph rmph rm rmph rm?

SATAN:

Him? I don't know... He can be nice...

sometimes.

KENNY:

Mph rmph rm rmph rm.

SATAN:

What do you mean?! I could leave him if I

wanted to!

KENNY:

Mph rm. Rmph rm rmph rm.

Satan lowers his head. Slowly he starts to cry. Kenny walks

over and pats him on the back.

EXT. MILITARY COMPOUND

Tents and makeshift buildings are lined up against the

mountains. Jeeps and Tanks buzz to and fro.

There's a huge stage which is set up with thousands of seats.

There's a giant banner reading "USO SHOW TONIGHT!!!!!"

Loads of soldiers file into their seats.

ANNOUNCER:

Alright you men! The USO show is about to

start!!

The military men go wild.

ANNOUNCER:

Get ready for loads of entertainment and

fabulous celebrities! To be followed

immediately by the swift and nasty

execution of Terrance and Elroy!

The crowd goes crazy again.

EXT. INTERNMENT CAMP - BEHIND THE USO SHOW - DUSK

Right out of Nazi Germany. Barbed wire, guards, the whole

bit.

ANGLE ON BOYS:

They are on their backs, shimmying along the ground

underneath the blanket of razor-wire that is set up around

the camp.

The Mole uses the bolt-cutters to cut the wire as he goes,

clearing a path for Stan, Kyle and Cartman.

THE MOLE:

Be careful not to touch this wire-

A wire catches on Cartman's arm and SNAPS against his face.

CARTMAN:

OW! MOTHERF***ER!

BZZAAAAT!!!

CARTMAN:

FUC-

Stan shoves his hand over Cartman's mouth, leaving Cartman to

cuss bloody murder into Stan's glove.

CARTMAN:

MPHMPH MPHMPHMPH!!!

BZAAT!

CARTMAN:

MMMPPPHHH!!!

Finally they clear the fence and lie down in view of the

camp.

THE MOLE:

It sounds like the USO show has started.

We have precious little time...

Kyle looks at the horrible concentration camp.

KYLE:

Oh my God...

THE MOLE:

God? ...Let me tell you something about

God... He is ze biggest b*tch of zem all.

Kyle looks at The Mole, oddly.

STAN:

How are we ever gonna find them?

The Mole whips out some night vision goggles.

ANGLE ON INTERMENT CAMP THROUGH NIGHT VISION GOGGLES

The Mole inspects the camp. He sees a guard on a guard

tower. Then he pans over to a bunch of Canadians standing

in a line in rags.

The Mole quickly clicks the magnification to high so we see

the saddened faces of the Canadians.

KYLE:

Do you see them? Do you see Terrance and

Phillip?

THE MOLE:

No. Zey must have zem inside. We will

have to dig.

KYLE:

That's gonna take a long time!

THE MOLE:

Time? Did time matter to the

Revolutionists who were forced to eat

their own sh*t while dying in the

dungeons of ze King?

The boys think.

EXT. USO SHOW - DAY

Helicopters zoom over the makeshift stage like the USO show

in Apocalypse Now.

Groups of soldiers cheer as a helicopter approaches the

landing platform and touches down. The US army men cheer.

The mothers take the stage, and Kyle's mother speaks into the

microphone. Behind her is a huge American flag. She is

wearing an army helmet. This is right out of 'Patton'.

KYLE'S MOTHER

Ladies and gentlemen of the American war

effort, we salute you!

A big cheer goes through the crowd. Kyle's mother feels the

power, and lifts her head high. She starts to pace back and

forth on the stage as she speaks, becoming more and more

Pattonlike.

KYLE'S MOTHER

Tomorrow you will be risking your lives

so that our children will have a better

future... God bless you men. And God

bless this filth free nation. Many of you

will die. Die like blood bathed pigs. So

tonight, we at MAC present a NIGHT OF A

HUNDRED STARS! Now without further ado, I

give you...

Out of the helicopter emerge a battalion of the best and

brightest stars that the American show biz industry has to

offer.

KYLE'S MOTHER

Pint size pixie and darling of the indie

movie scene, Winona Ryder!

She gestures grandly to the helicopter where Winona Ryder

emerges and runs to center stage and waves to the audience.

She looks like a strung out coke addict; because she is.

WINONA RYDER:

Hi guys! I'm T.V.'s Winona Ryder!

One guy claps.

WINONA RYDER:

I want you all to know I'm super psyched

to be here today. You guys rock. What

you're doing for our country so sooo

cool. It's so real. I've been acting

since I was twelve and I can't

distinguish between make believe and real

life.

Winona falls down. But gets back up immediately.

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