South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut Page #27

WINONA RYDER:

And then I confuse me real life with my

big-screen one. And sure, people get

hurt, and I'm sorry about that but

Christ, look at me. It's not my fault

that I can get any guy I want. And

that's reality to me. But you guys...

wow. I mean, war, man. F***ing war. It

doesn't get any more real-- Now, this

one goes out to you.

She cues the band which has been assembled from the same

helicopter. Jazz music starts up.

It's 'New York, New York'. The troops look confused.

WINONA RYDER:

You know what I'm gonna do for you now,

don't you?

'New York, New York' continues to play.

WINONA RYDER:

WRONG!

(Singing)

The bells are ringin'

For me and my gal!

The birds are singin'

For me and my gal!-

INT. UNDERGROUND TUNNEL - BELOW THE USO SHOW

The mole is digging frantically while the boys follow on all

fours. Cartman holds a flashlight.

CARTMAN:

Dude, this is seriously lame. I didn't

know we were gonna get all dirty and

stuff.

THE MOLE:

Sheet!

STAN:

What is it?

THE MOLE:

Bedrock! I cannot dig any further in zis

direction!

STAN:

We're going to die here like baby mice

who have had no milk in days. Dry up

into crunchy little pinkies.

The boys stare.

A beat.

THE MOLE:

Or, we can dig UP.

The mole starts digging up towards the ground.

EXT. INSIDE THE PRISON CAMP

Mole pops his head out of the ground. Immediately, a search

light passes over the hole.

THE MOLE:

Sheet!

Mole ducks, just avoiding the light.

Slowly, the boys' heads appear from the hole.

The whole camp is in front of them. There is a HUGE

barbedwire fence on one side (the side they just dug from) A

dozen armed guards with huge Dobermans patrol the grounds with

Howitzers. It doesn't look good.

THE MOLE:

Move! Move!

One by one, The Mole, Stan, Kyle, and Cartman pop out of the

ground, and run for a nearby building. Once at the building,

they all duck to avoid the search lights.

THE MOLE:

Okay.... The Americans must be holding

Terrance and Phillip in one of those

bunkers. We will split up here. Let's

synchronize watches!

The others look at each other.

KYLE:

We don't have watches.

A beat.

THE MOLE:

You don't have watches?

STAN:

Dude, you didn't say anything about

watches.

THE MOLE:

What do you think this is kid? Lick

Barney the Dinosaur's p*ssy f***ing

kiddie hour? Huh? This is real life

with consequences you take to the grave!

KYLE:

Dude, we don't have watches.

THE MOLE:

Sheet. Did you bring ze mirror?

STAN:

Got it.

THE MOLE:

And ze rope?

STAN:

Check.

THE MOLE:

And the butfor?

KYLE:

What's a butfor?

THE MOLE:

For pooping, silly.

A beat... Then mole takes a long drag off his cigarette and

slowly blows the smoke.

THE MOLE:

Now listen carefully. Stan and Kyle, you

stand watch here and await my return. If

any guards come by, make a sound like a

dying giraffe.

KYLE:

What's a dying giraffe sound like?

THE MOLE:

(Putting his hands to his

mouth)

Gwpaapa. Gwpaapa.

KYLE:

Kay.

The Mole turns to Cartman.

THE MOLE:

Cartman, over zere, is the electrical

box. You must sneak over zere and shut it

off before I return with Terrance and

Phillip or the alarms will sound and I

will be shot full of holes. Got it?

CARTMAN:

Okay.

THE MOLE:

You MUST shut off the power, this is VERY

IMPORTANT do you understa-

CARTMAN:

I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME! I'M NOT LOU

FERIGNO FOR PETE'S SAKE!

Cartman storms off.

THE MOLE:

I will tunnel my way into ze buildings,

and find ze prisoners.

The Mole starts to dig.

KYLE:

Be careful, dude.

THE MOLE:

Careful? Was my mother careful when she

stabbed me in the heart with a clothes

hanger while I was still in ze womb?

And with that, The Mole quickly starts to tunnel his way

underground.

STAN:

Damn, dude, that kid is f***ed up.

EXT. STAGE - NIGHT

Back on stage at the USO show. Winona Ryder is just

finishing up her song.

WINONA RYDER:

(Singing)

....It's a hell of a TOWN! And

that's my New York Melodyyyyyy!!!!

The band finishes with a flourish. Winona takes a bow.

One person in the entire audience claps.

KYLE'S MOTHER

Let's hear it again for the one and only

Winona Ryder!!!

The same guy claps again.

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