South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut Page #28

ONE CLAPPING GUY

We love you, Winona!

Everybody else in the audience just stares at him.

KYLE'S MOTHER

Next up we have a special treat...

Please welcome, direct from Vegas- BIG

GAY AL'S BIG GAY EXPERIENCE!!!

The place goes wild as Big Gay Al walks out on stage. Winona

fumes in the wings.

RANDOM SOLDIER:

This guy is the coolest!

RANDOM SOLDIER 2

Totally man!

The back curtain goes up to reveal a tropical jungle set

complete with a waterfall, hippos, monkeys and hundreds of

colorfully dressed dancers.

BIG GAY AL:

How we all feeling tonight?!

Between the cheering, we hear a throng of "Happy!". Now the

place is rocking!! Everybody loves Big Gay Al!

Winona can't believe it.

BIG GAY AL:

I can't hear you...

CROWD:

Happy!!!

BIG GAY AL:

Friends, you know why I'm here... I'm

here to teach TOLERANCE!!

The crowd cheers.

BIG GAY AL:

I'm here to say that we're all PEOPLE

under God, and we should embrace, and

accept our differences!!

The crowd cheers louder.

BIG GAY AL:

And that means we should LOVE CANADIANS

TOO!!

The entire place goes incredibly quiet.

You can hear a pin drop.

Silence...

Deafening silence...

BIG GAY AL:

JUST KIDDING!! F*** 'EM!!!

Slow music swells in. Big Gay Al saunters around the stage

and starts to sing.

BIG GAY AL:

(Singing)

Bombs are flying

People are dying

Children are crying

Politicians are lying too

Cancer is killing

Texaco is spilling

The whole world's gone to hell

But how are you?

Suddenly, Big Gay Al is wearing a big feathery outfit and all

his dancers dash to his side.

BIG GAY AL:

I'm super! Thanks for asking!

All things considered I'm doing

super

I must say!

Very peachee

Nothing bugs me

'Cause everything is super when

you're

-don't you think I look cute in

this hat?

The crowd is absolutely confused.

BIG GAY AL:

I'm so sorry, Mr. Cripple

But I just can't feel bad for you

right now

Because I'm feeling so insanely

super

That even seeing you in that chair

can't bring me down!

EXT. INTERNMENT CAMP - ANOTHER AREA

Cartman is by himself, slowly moving from building to

building. He is scared out of his mind.

CARTMAN:

(Imitating the Mole)

Shut of ze Power, Cartman. Zis is very

important, Cartman... Stupid British

piece of shi-

(BAZZT!)

OW!

He approaches the electrical box. Just as he's about to open

it, two armed AMERICAN SOLDIERS round the corner. Cartman

gets scared and hides in the shadows. The soldiers continue

walking...

AMERICAN SOLDIER

Dude, if I was gay, I'd be just like Big

Gay AL!

AMERICAN SOLDIER 2

Me too!!

...And pass a terrified Cartman.

EXT. INTERNMENT CAMP - STAN AND KYLE'S AREA

The boys are waiting, bored, for The Mole to return.

KYLE:

I don't think he's coming back, dude.

Just then, we hear The Mole return from his hole. He is

carrying the ticket guy from the movie theater.

TICKET GUY:

Oh thank you! Thank you for getting me

out of there!! They locked me up for

selling movie tickets to minors!

THE MOLE:

Is this one of zem?

KYLE:

No! That's not Terrance or Phillip!

THE MOLE:

Oh... Alright, back you go.

The Mole takes the Ticket Guy back through the hole.

TICKET GUY:

No! Please! I don't want to go back!!

The boys sit back down and wait again.

EXT. USO SHOW/STAGE - CONTINUOUS

Meanwhile, Big Gay Al's song continues-

BIG GAY AL:

I'm super! Thanks for asking!

All things considered I'm doing

better than okay!

Feeling peaches

nothing bugs me

Everything is super when you're

-don't you think I look cute in

this hat and my little shoes and

this matching tie that I got at

Merv's?

The chorus guys all pick Big Gay Al up and dance around with

him on stage.

CHORUS:

He's super! Thanks for asking!

All things considered he is better

than okay!

And it's peachee, nothing bugs him

Everything is super when you're-

Let's fight fight fight against

Canada today!!!!!!

The song ends and everyone erupts into applause.

INT. HELL - DAY

Satan is looking into a large, oracle-like ball. Saddam isn't

around, but a few demons and Kenny are hanging out.

SATAN:

The execution is going to happen any

moment... We must prepare.

The demons make excited noises.

KENNY:

Mph rmph rm!

SATAN:

Get everyone in hell ready. When the

blood of Terrance and Phillip spills, the

day is ours!

Two of the demons head for Satan's room.

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