South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut Page #4

The other kids nod.

CARTMAN:

Hey Stan, tell 'em about when Terrance

called Phillip a testicle shitting rectal

wart! Stan? Stan?

But Stan is elsewhere, because out on the ice, skating

gracefully, is little eight year old WENDY TESTABURGER.

The heavens part, a CHOIR OF ANGELS sing, as Wendy skates

around and around, performing a series of impossible Triple

Lutzes, Sowcows and what-have-you-not's.

All the animals of the forest -- deer, birds, bunnies -- all

stop to admire her.

Stan's smile grows wider and wider. Kyle turns to see what

he's looking at.

STAN:

Thank my lucky stars

Here before me now

Is everything I'd ever hoped for

Knew it in a word

Saw it in a glance

The only thing I think I'd die

for...

KYLE:

Aw, God Damn it, he's singing that

f***ing song again.

ANGLE - WENDY

Spinning and soaring in slo-mo. Effortlessly covering every

inch of the pond with her ballet maneuvers.

Stan is slack-jawed.

STAN:

I can't stop now

My heart's awake

I pray her arms

my arms to take

So this is why I'm ali-

Wendy finishes her routine with a triumphant Hamill-camel

landing right in front of Stan and spraying ice in his face

and abruptly ending his song.

WENDY:

Hi, Stan!

Stan vomits profusely all over himself.

WENDY:

Ew! Gross!

Just then, another kid skates up, spraying more ice in Stan's

face. His name is GREGORY, and he is a very handsome eight

year old boy, with golden hair and an open-buttoned shirt. He

speaks with a rich English accent.

GREGORY:

Come, Wendy, let us try to jump the hilly

brush.

Stan looks at Gregory.

STAN:

Who are you, kid?

GREGORY:

My name is Gregory. I have been Wendy's

counter-cousin for some time.

WENDY:

Want to skate with us?

GREGORY:

We've been skating all morning. And

laughing and talking of memories past.

Gregory skates away. Stan looks stunned. Finally, he tries to

get Wendy's attention.

STAN:

We saw the Terrance and Phillip movie!

WENDY:

That's nice, Stan.

Wendy skates after Gregory. Stan looks completely rejected.

KYLE:

Woa, dude, who's your girlfriend's new

guy?

STAN:

She's not my girlfriend, dude!

Meanwhile, the schoolkids are all still gathered around

Cartman.

CARTMAN:

Yes, I saw the Terrance and Phillip

movie. Who wants to touch me? I said,

"Who wants to touch me?!"

A small boy steps forward and tentatively touches Cartman's

arm.

SMALL BOY:

Oooooh...

EXT. SOUTH PARK - TOWN - MORNING

Establishing shot of the little town of South Park which

consists of four buildings. The sun rises in the background.

It's a brand new day.

EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY

The elementary school is nestled peacefully between two

mountain peaks.

INT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY

The kids of South Park are all in their seats, singing.

KIDS:

Shut your f***ing face,

Unclefucka!!

You're a shitsucking, cocksucking

Unclefucka!!

The door opens, and suddenly the kids quiet down.

CLOSE-UP on a hand puppet with a large red hat. It seems to

be speaking.

MR. HAT

Okay, children, let's take our seats.

As the voice continues, we PULL BACK to reveal that the

puppet is on the right hand of MR. GARRISON, a forty-six year

old teacher who is in denial about his homosexuality.

MR. GARRISON (AS MR. HAT)

We have a lot to learn and precious

little time.

Garrison looks over the class and notices that every single

one of them is wearing a Terrance and Phillip T-shirt,

except, of course, for Wendy.

MR. GARRISON

Why is everyone wearing T-shirts of

Sigfried and Roy?

KYLE:

It's not Sigried and Roy, Mr. Garrison,

it's Terrance and Phillip.

KIDS:

TERRANCE AND PHILLIP!!

Stan looks over at Wendy. She just rolls her eyes. Stan

sulks.

MR. GARRISON

Well, anyway... Today children, our

friend Mr. Hat is going to tell us all

about the environment.

MR. GARRISON (AS MR. HAT)

That's right, Mr. Garrison. The

environment is what surrounds us. It is

what we live and breathe.

CARTMAN:

I hate the environment.

KYLE:

Dude, how can you hate the environment?

CARTMAN:

'Cuz, dude, it's all sticky and airy and

fragile and stuff. I f***ing hate it.

The kids all GASP!

MR. GARRISON

Eric! Did you just say the "F" word?

CARTMAN:

Fragile?

KYLE:

No, he's talking about f***, dude. You

can't say f*** in front of Mr. Garrison.

MR. GARRISON

Kyle!

CARTMAN:

Why the f*** not?

MR. GARRISON

Eric!

STAN:

Dude, you just said f*** again.

MR. GARRISON

Stanly!

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