South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut Page #5

KENNY:

Mph.

MR. GARRISON

Kenny!

CARTMAN:

That's bullshit! If Terrance and Phillip

can say something, I should be able to

say it too!

BEBE:

Wow, Cartman's cool!

CLYDE:

He's like Terrance and Phillip!

Cartman gloats proudly.

CARTMAN:

F***in' a right.

MR. GARRISON

How would you like to go to the

principal's office?

CARTMAN:

How would you like to gargle rat jiz?

Mr. Garrison is in shock.

MR. GARRISON

WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?!

CARTMAN:

I said -

Cartman takes out a megaphone, hits the switch and puts it

to his mouth. It feeds back horribly.

CARTMAN:

(Through megaphone)

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO GARGLE RAT JIZ?!

Garrison is floored.

KYLE:

Oh, dude we are f***ed now.

INT. PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE - DAY

The boys are seated in front of the Principal's desk.

STAN:

Now remember, don't tell anybody we saw

the Terrance and Phillip movie!

KYLE:

Yeah, let's swear we won't tell!

Just then, the Principal walks in. She is PRINCIPAL VICTORIA,

a frizzy haired woman of about forty.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA

I am VERY disappointed in you boys!

You should be ASHAMED of yourselves! I've

already called in your parents, but first

I want you to THINK about what you've

done.

CARTMAN:

Principal Victoria, can I ask a question?

PRINCPAL VICTORIA

What?

CARTMAN:

What's the big f***ing deal?

STAN:

Yeah.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA

AGH!! I want to know where you heard

these horrific obscenities!

The boys look at each other.

STAN:

Nowhere.

KYLE:

I'VE heard them from Mr. Garrison a few

times before...

STAN:

Yeah!

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA

Boys, I seriously doubt that Mr. Garrison

ever said-

(Reading)

'Eat penguin sh*t you cum sucking ass

spelunker' in school!

The boys all laugh.

But then the door opens and in walks Stan's mother, Kyle's

mother, Cartman's mother and Kenny's mother.

STAN:

Oh, oh...

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA

Thank you all for coming on such short

notice. As you can see, your boys are all

being disciplined.

STAN'S MOTHER

This just isn't like you, Stanley!

Stan looks down at the floor.

KYLE'S MOTHER

What did my son say, Principal Victoria?

Did he say the S word?

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA

No, it was worse than that...

KYLE'S MOTHER

(Gasping)

The F word?!

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA

No, worse. Here's a short list of the

things they've been saying.

The mothers look over the sheet of paper. Immediately, their

eyes bulge.

STAN'S MOTHER

Oh dear God...

KYLE'S MOTHER

What is 'fisting'?

CARTMAN'S MOTHER

That's when the fist is inserted into the

anus or vagina for sexual pleasure.

The two moms stare at Ms. Cartman.

CARTMAN'S MOTHER

What?

KYLE'S MOTHER

(To Kyle)

Young man, you will tell Peincipal

Victoria THIS INSTANT where you heard all

these horrible phrases!

KYLE:

I can't dude! We all took a sacred oath,

and swore ourselves to secrecy!

CARTMAN:

It was the Terrance and Phllip movie!

STAN:

Dude!

CARTMAN:

What? F*** you guys, I wanna get out of

here.

KYLE'S MOTHER

Terrance and Phillip MOVIE?! Oy gevalt!

Not again!

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA

What is Terrance and Phillip?

KYLE'S MOTHER

Terrance and Phillip are two VERY

untalented, unfunny actors from Canada.

Their TV show is filled with toilet humor

and bad language and is just complete

garbage. Now it appears they have a

movie and I'm positive it's not suitable

for children!

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA

Well, it looks like I'll have to send a

warning letter out to parents. I have to

put a stop to this before MORE children

see 'Terrance and Phillip'.

CARTMAN:

Everybody's already f***ing seen it.

MS. CARTMAN

Eric!

CARTMAN:

I'm sorry! I can't help it!! That movie

has warped my fragile little mind.

KYLE'S MOTHER

Alright, boys, that's enough. Get out and

let us adults speak.

The boys get up and walk out. Kyle's mother slams the door

behind them.

KYLE'S MOTHER

We must take action on this immediately.

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