South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut Page #6

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA

Ooh yes. I think we'll have to give

detention to those boys.

KYLE'S MOTHER

Forgive me for saying so, Principal

Victoria, but your methods are too...

Shall we say... soft? As head of the

PTA, I am exercising my right under

article 42 of the PTA code.

A look of shock comes over the principal's face.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA

Article 42! You don't mean-?!

KYLE'S MOTHER

Yes Principal Victoria. The PTA is

impeaching you.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA

But I-

KYLE'S MOTHER

You are officially relieved of your

duties as principal of this school!

Kyle's mother sits herself down at Principal Victoria's desk.

KYLE'S MOTHER

Get out of that chair! The PTA is in

charge now!

INT. CAFETERIA - DAY

The other school kids are in line for lunch.

Just then, the Kyle's mother's voice comes blaring through

the P.A.

KYLE'S MOTHER

Attention students. We are now enforcing

a new dress code at South Park

Elementary. Terrance and Phillip shirts

are NO LONGER ALLOWED IN SCHOOL. Anyone

wearing a Terrance and Phillip shirt is

to be SENT HOME IMMEDIATELY.

The kids look down. They're all wearing Terrance and Phillip

shirts.

KIDS:

HOOORAY!!!

The kids all cheer and run out the door. Leaving the

cafeteria absolutely empty... Except for Wendy.

WENDY:

Hello?

Wendy's hello echoes throughout the entire building.

INT. TELEVISION SET

A dapper NEWS ANCHOR sits behind a news desk.

NEWS ANCHOR:

All over America, kids are flocking to

the R rated film, 'Terrance and Phillip

Asses of Fire'. Here with a special

report, is a quadriplegic midget in a

bikini.

INT. SPELLING BEE - DAY

A QUADRIPLEGIC MIDGET IN A BIKINI stands in front of the

camera with a microphone.

Q. MIDGET W/BIKINI

Thanks, Tom. It appears that the effects

of the Canadian Comedy are far reaching

indeed. All over America, children seem

to be influenced.

A TEACHER is on stage with a young spelling bee contestant.

TEACHER:

Alright, this is for the silver medal.

Spell 'Forensics'.

KID:

Oh, f*** that, why should I f***ing have

to spell forensics?

All the kids cheer.

KID:

Here you go; S-U-C-K-M-Y-A-S-S,

FORENSICS.

CUT TO:

EXT. BIRTHDAY PARTY - DAY

A happy birthday party is going on is some kids backyard. A

clown is entertaining everyone.

CLOWN:

Hey kids, how would you like to see some

magic tricks?!

KIDS:

F*** YOU!!

The clown looks startled.

CLOWN:

Huh?

CHILD:

Yeah, and f*** your stupid little red

nose.

CHILD 2

Yeah, and f*** your yellow hair. And f***

your gay pants.

PAN OVER to again find the midget reporter. He now has a

graphic of a record chart next to him.

Q. MIDGET W/BIKINI

And the devastating impact of the

Canadian phenomenon is Terrance and

Phillip's new hit song, "Shut Your

F***ing Face, Unclefucka" which has

climbed the charts with a bullet --

We see a clip from the video, "Unclefucka."

The video has Terrance and Phillip dressed like Mase and

Puffy in that video they did in Vegas. They wear shiny

bright jumpsuits and lunge at the fish-eye lens of the

camera.

TERRANCE & PHILLIP

(Singing)

Shut your f***ing face!

Unclefucka!!

INT. NEWSROOM - DAY

The news anchor shakes his head in disgust.

NEWS ANCHOR:

Thanks, midget. Shocking report. The

controversy surrounding the Terrance and

Phillip movie began in the small mountain

town of South Park, Colorado where the

local PTA banned the movie. With us

tonight is the head of the South Park

PTA, Sheila Brofloski-

A screen appears with Kyle's mother, looking very pissed. The

TITLE below her reads 'Outraged Mother'.

NEWS ANCHOR:

Ms. Brovlofski, how are these kids seeing

this film? Is bad parenting to blame? Or

is it Canada?

KYLE'S MOTHER

Canada!

NEWS ANCHOR:

Alright. Here with a counterpoint is the

Canadian Minister of Movies.

A split screen appears, Kyle's mother on one side, and a

goofy looking Canadian slides into the other.

NEWS ANCHOR:

Thank you, Minister, for joining us.

CANADIAN MINISTER OF MOVIES

Thanks for having me, buddy.

NEWS ANCHOR:

Minister, parents all over America are

concerned about your country's

entertainment. Your thoughts?

CANADIAN MINISTER OF MOVIES

Well, the film is R rated, and it's not

intended for children-

KYLE'S MOTHER

Oh but OF COURSE children are going to

see it!!

CANADIAN MINISTER OF MOVIES

Uh, can I finish? Can I finish? ...The

fact is that we Canadians are quite

surprised by your outrage-

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