South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut Page #7

KYLE'S MOTHER

YOU JUST DON'T CARE!

CANADIAN MINISTER OF MOVIES

Can I finish? Hello? Can I finish? ...The

United States has graphic images of

violence on television all the time, what

is that one show? COPS? And car crashes

caught on tape? We can't believe that a

movie with some foul language and fart

jokes would piss you off so much.

KYLE'S MOTHER

BECAUSE IT'S EVIL!!

CANADIAN MINISTER OF MOVIES

Can I finish? Please? Can I finish? ...

... Uh... Okay, I'm finished.

NEWS ANCHOR:

But minister, it isn't like this film is

the first troublesome thing to come out

of Canada. Let us not forget Brian Adams

a few decades ago.

The Minister thinks.

CANADIAN MINISTER OF MOVIES

What?

KYLE'S MOTHER

The Canadians are just mad that we

mothers here in South Park have the

chutzpah to stand up to them! Like it or

not, Mr. Canadian Minister, OUR children

are now safe from your Canadian smut!

INT. MOVIE THEATRE - DAY

The boys are in the front row, this time with Wendy, watching

the Terrance and Phillip movie.

TERRANCE:

Well, Terrance I hope you learned

something from this whole experience.

PHILLIP:

I did, Terrance, I learned that you are a

boner biting dick fart f*** face!

The boys laugh merrily. Wendy just looks bored.

TERRANCE:

Say Phillip, want to see the Northern

Lights?

PHILLIP:

You bet, Terrance!

Terrance pulls out a match, lights it, then farts.

The flame burns Terrance to a blackened mass.

PHILLIP:

HA HA HA! You burned yourself to death by

lighting the fart! HA HA HA!!

TERRANCE:

(Just a skull)

I sure did, Phillip!!

The boys laugh hysterically.

STAN:

Did you see that, Wendy?

WENDY:

Yup.

EXT. THEATER - DAY

The boys walk out happily.

KYLE:

Man, that movie gets better every time I

see it!

CARTMAN:

Yeah, but you know what? That whole part

about lighting farts is bullshit. You

can't do that.

KENNY:

Mph rmpmh rm.

CARTMAN:

No way.

STAN:

Didn't you think it was funny, Wendy?

WENDY:

Stan... I think you and I need some time

apart.

STAN:

WHAT?!

CARTMAN:

Oh sh*t.

WENDY:

It's just... It's obvious that we don't

have a whole lot in common anymore. I

need somebody who's... a little deeper.

STAN:

But Wendy, I can go-

Wendy places her little gloved hand over Stan's mouth.

WENDY:

No. Don't speak. You'll only make things

more annoying. Goodbye, Stan.

And just like that, Wendy is gone. Stan looks almost ready to

cry.

Kyle walks up behind Stan.

KYLE:

Dude, anybody who doesn't think Terrance

and Phillip is funny can f*** off

anyways.

STAN:

(Insincere)

Yeah...

The boys walk off.

KENNY:

Mph rmph rm!!

CARTMAN:

No you can't Kenny!

KENNY:

Mph rm rmph!!

CARTMAN:

Okay Kenny, I'll bet you a HUNDRED

DOLLARS you can't light a fart on fire!

KENNY:

Mph mm!

Kenny pulls out a book of matches.

He strikes a match and holds it under his ass.

After a few seconds Kenny farts, and there is a little flame.

Suddenly, the flames catch and Kenny starts burning alive.

KENNY:

MMMPMMPH!!! MGMFEODFO!!!

Kenny runs around, and finally falls to the ground, still

burning.

STAN:

OH MY GOD!! YOU KILLED KENNY!!

KYLE:

YOU BASTARD!!

Cartman looks shocked.

CARTMAN:

Wow, I guess you CAN do that!

INT. HOSPITAL - LATER

DOCTORS and NURSES are pushing Kenny into the operating room

ER style.

Everything is quick and chaotic. Shouts fill the hallway.

NURSE:

CBC chem kit STAT!!

DOCTOR GAUCHE:

LOAD THAT I.V. WITH 70CCS OF SODIUM

PENTOTHAL!!

INT. OPERATING ROOM

It's mid-operation.

DOCTOR GAUCHE:

Siphon the fluid off his brain!! Vacuum!

Another nurse hands him a sucker tube. He immediately shoves

into Kenny's skull. It starts to slurp and burble.

DOCTOR GAUCHE:

Try to untangle his trachea and

esophagus!

NURSE:

Right!

While Doctor Gauche wrestles with Kenny's lungs and torso,

the nurse reaches into Kenny's mouth and pulls both his

windpipe and esophagus out of his mouth, turning them inside

out in the process.

Off to the side, Stan, Cartman and Kyle look on as the doctor

and nurses tangle themselves in knots with Kenny's innards.

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