South Park Page #3

Cartman isn't looking. He still thinks this is all a big

joke.

CARTMAN:

Shut up, you guys, it's not working.

KYLE:

We have to do something!

STAN:

Well, we can't do anything for now.

That fat b*tch won't let us.

MS. CRABTREE

WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

STAN:

I-I said that rabbits eat lettuce.

MS. CRABTREE

Oh...

(Pause)

Well, yes, they certainly do.

Ms. Crabtree turns the schoolbus violently and the children

go flying everywhere screaming.

KYLE:

What am I going to do? My little

brother’s been abducted by aliens.

Stan farts.

KYLE:

You farted!

The kids laugh.

CARTMAN:

Somebody's baking brownies.

We see the alien space ship leave the planet.

EXT. CATTLE RANCH - DAY

CATTLE RANCHER:

That's the third cow this month, at

this rate all my cattle are gonna

die before the Winter's through.

The cows look up with concern.

OFFICER BARBRADY

This is nothing out of the unusual.

Cows turn themselves inside out all

the time.

The cows shake their heads.

CATTLE RANCHER:

People been sayin' they've been seeing

UFO's around.

OFFICER BARBRADY

UFO's?? Ha Ha.

CATTLE RANCHER:

Yea, and black army CIA helicopters

and trucks.

OFFICER BARBRADY

That is the silliest thing I've ever

heard.

Just then black army helicopters fly by.

CATTLE RANCHER:

What was that?

OFFICER BARBRADY

That, that was a pigeon.

CATTLE RANCHER:

What am I supposed to do Barbrady?

Just stand here and watch my cattle

get mutilated one by one?

We see the aliens with grass in their hands whistling to the

cows.

CATTLE RANCHER:

Hey, my cattle!! You see there is

something funny going on.

OFFICER BARBRADY

There's nothing funny going on. I'll

get those cows back.

INT. CLASSROOM - SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY SCHOOL - DAY

MR. GARRISON

And now children, our friend Mr. Hat

is going to tell us about Christopher

Columbus.

Mr. Garrison has a ridiculous little puppet on his right

hand that wears a striped hat.

MR. HAT

That's right Mr. Garrison.

Christopher Columbus discovered

America, and was the Indians best

friend. He helped the Indians win

their war against Frederick Douglas,

and, and freed the Hebrews from

Napoleon, and discovered France.

KYLE:

(TO STAN)

Oh man, I can't just sit here! I

have to help my stupid brother or

I'll come home without him and my

dad will start yelling - "Where's

your brother, Kyle!" "You weren't

looking out for your little brother

Kyle!"

STAN:

Okay, okay, let's ditch school and

go find him-

KYLE:

"You know he can't think on his own,

Kyle. Brush and Floss, Kyle!" "Where

has that finger been, Kyle?!"

STAN:

DUDE!

MR. GARRISON

Is there a problem, boys?

KYLE:

Yes, Mr. Garrison, I have to go now.

MR. GARRISON

Oh really, Kyle? What is it this

time? Another prostate tumor?

KYLE:

No, my little brother has been

abducted by aliens.

Mr. Garrison stares blankly at Kyle.

KYLE:

It's true! Ask Cartman, they gave

him an anal probe!

Cartman looks around at the other children, extremely

embarrassed, and finally forces a little laugh as if to say

it's all a little joke.

CARTMAN:

Uhh.. Huh, huh... That's a little

joke.

Kyle steps to the front of class.

KYLE:

Mr. Garrison, seriously, I HAVE to

go! Can I PLEASE be excused from

class?

MR. GARRISON

I don't know, Kyle. Did you ask Mr.

Hat?

Kyle looks down at the stupid puppet on Garrison's hand.

KYLE:

I don't want to ask Mr. Hat, I'm

asking YOU!

MR. GARRISON

Oh, I think you should ask Mr. Hat.

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