Spare Me Page #3

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BUZZ:

I don't know no Grace Skinner.

THEO:

(pulls his arm away)

You knew her. You married her in 1963.

MILLIE:

Married?

Buzz grabs a large bowling trophy and waves it at Theo.

BUZZ:

You're a bullshit artist, that's what you

are. You got no right to be here! Theo

yanks the trophy away from Buzz.

THEO:

I got a right. You're my father.

BUZZ:

I ain't nobody's father!

Theo hurls the trophy at Buzz. He ducks and the trophy sails

into a large glass trophy case. Broken glass and trophies fly

everywhere.

MILLIE:

(noticing Zeus)

ZEUS!

Zeus is laid out cold near the spilled orange whip on the

living room floor. Millie hunches over her comatose poodle.

MILLIE:

My poor baby!

BUZZ:

(to Theo)

You see what you did?

(he picks up the ball)

Take your ball and get out.

Theo takes the ball and exits the house.

23 EXT. BRIDGE - NIGHT 23

Theo, bathed in sweat, practices his release form with

obsessive determination. He is alone near the empty bridge.

Sheila spies on him from behind the bridge control booth.

Theo takes a long slug from a bottle of liquor. He hears a

motor scooter start and ROAR off into the night.

24 INT. 7-ELEVEN - DAY 24

Theo stands at the self-serve island sipping coffee. A muzak

cover of 'Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head' PLAYS.

THEO:

(resignedly)

99 years, 241 days,

(looks at his watch)

15 hours, and 20 minutes of no bowling.

Alfie shuffles up to the self-serve

island and begins wiping it down.

ALFIE:

Find your bowler?

THEO:

Yeah, but it didn't go so good. He wasn't

the man I thought he'd be. Theo is trying

to affix the lid on his cup, but his

hands are trembling, spilling some of the

coffee.

ALFIE:

My father used to say to me "Never..."

no, hmmm. "Always..." No, no...

(puzzles)

Ah! Love and hate are blood relations.

THEO:

Maybe I should have left the ball in the

car.

25 EXT. BUZZ'S HOUSE - DAY 25

Millie kneels on the front lawn patting dirt down on a little

grave marked by a wooden cross. Theo walks up.

MILLIE:

He's not here.

THEO:

I'm sorry about Zeus, Millie.

MILLIE:

(points to grave)

This is a sign! Someone's coming to take

Buzz away from me. I don't know if you're

the guy or what, but I'm not letting it

happen. I'm leaving him first.

THEO:

I couldn't kill Buzz. I need his help.

Theo helps Millie load suitcases into the

trunk of her car.

MILLIE:

Buzz Fazeli never helps anybody but

himself.

THEO:

He's my father, Millie.

MILLIE:

He's no father to you.

Theo lifts a box full of new bowling pins into the trunk.

MILLIE:

Careful with that one. He won't tell me

anything, but I know there's something

strange going on over at the lanes. If

you ask me, I'd say the old fart wants to

die.

THEO:

Where can I find him?

MILLIE:

(looks at her watch)

The Peter Pan.

Millie gets into the car.

MILLIE:

You tell Buzz I went to my sister's in

Ronkonkoma. Oh, I'm sorry about trying to

kill you last night, Theo. It was nothing

personal. Millie puts on a pair of

sunglasses and patches out in a cloud of

gravel and dust.

26 INT. PETER PAN DINER - DAY 26

A blender WHIRRS. Sheila, in her waitress uniform, carefully

chops something.

She watches an indoor motocross rally on the diner's color

TV. 12-PACK, a hefty construction worker, sits at the

counter.

12-PACK

Hey Sheila, how's that orange whip

comin'?

SHEILA:

(mimicking him under her

breath)

How's that orange whip comin'?

THWAP! Sheila is dismembering a Ken doll with a big knife.

She scoops the parts into the blender and switches from purŽe

to frappŽ.

12-PACK

So, I heard Junior busted out again?

Sheila puts the glass down in front of 12-Pack with a THUNK.

12-PACK

Hey Sheila, you can whip my oranges

anytime. Sheila puts a Barbie head

earring on her left ear. Buzz comes into

the diner and slides into a booth. Sheila

walks over with a pot of coffee.

SHEILA:

Cup of joe Mr. Fazeli?

BUZZ:

Yeah, and make it extra muddy, I didn't

sleep a zee last night. Sheila fills a

cup. Buzz lifts it to his mouth, his

hands trembling.

SHEILA:

You don't need coffee, Mr. Fazeli; you

need a vacation. Sheila catches sight of

Theo pulling into the parking lot. She

puts a Ken head earring in her right ear.

Buzz follows Sheila's gaze.

BUZZ:

(groans)

Some people will do anything for an

autograph. Theo enters the diner and

walks over to Buzz.

THEO:

Millie left to stay with her sister in

Ronkonkoma.

BUZZ:

You know what a mixer ball is? It's like

you, you come out of nowhere and upset

things, scattering everything all over.

Buzz grumpily waves at him to sit.

THEO:

What are you doing over at the lanes

that's so dangerous, Buzz?

BUZZ:

You shouldn't listen to her, she's a

nervous old Nellie.

THEO:

She thinks someone's trying to kill you.

BUZZ:

I couldn't pay someone enough to try to

kill me. Sheila comes over to take their

orders.

BUZZ:

I'll have my usual please, Sheila.

SHEILA:

Buzz Burger, side of 'cues. You haven't

introduced me to your fan.

BUZZ:

Sheila, meet...uh...

(leans in to Theo,

sardonically)

I forget the name.

THEO:

(uncomfortably)

Theo.

BUZZ:

Theo! This is Sheila Kastle, my partner's

daughter.

SHEILA:

(eyeing Theo up and down)

You look like you're something on the

lanes.

BUZZ:

Theo's bowled on the tour.

SHEILA:

Oh, a professional man. What'll you have?

THEO:

What's your specialty?

SHEILA:

Whips...orange whips.

THEO:

Then I'll have the number four with one

of your finest whips.

SHEILA:

How do you want it?

(their eyes meet)

The eggs.

THEO:

(discomfited at the blatant

double entendre)

Uh...over easy.

SHEILA:

Coming right up.

Sheila smiles and walks away. Theo watches her slink behind

the counter.

BUZZ:

Watch out for that one. She's got a great

average, but she's looking for a prince.

And, believe me, she's

(more)

BUZZ:

kissed a lotta tadpoles.

(looking Theo in the eye)

Listen, I been thinking about your

problem. I'm not the guy to sponsor you.

It would be unethical. But, there is

something I could do for you.

(leans in, secretively)

Putt-putt golf.

THEO:

Putt-putt golf?

Buzz pulls a golf ball from his pocket, flashes it and slips

it back.

BUZZ:

It's the next level, the next

dimension...

(deep conviction)

...the small ball.

THEO:

(in Buzz's spell)

The small ball.

BUZZ:

It's gonna be bigger than big. Think

Europe. Think Asia. They don't have room

for real golf courses in Japan.

THEO:

(snapping out of it)

Not for me. Miniature golf's for pansies.

BUZZ:

If the Japanese are pansies, then pansies

are my kind of people. Sheila steps over

to the booth with their food. The Buzz

Burger has three holes cut in the middle

to make it look like a bowling ball. Buzz

sees the two sleazeballs park their car

and walk towards the diner.

THEO:

(pondering the thought)

Maybe I could bowl in Japan.

Buzz stands up abruptly.

BUZZ:

I gotta wash up.

Buzz heads for the rest rooms. The door opens with a JINGLE.

SID:

Three whips. To go.

BREEZE:

When you get a chance.

Sid and Breeze walk over to Theo's booth and slide in. Sid's

middle fingers are taped to an aluminum splint. The BLENDER

kicks into action. Buzz watches the group from the bathroom

hall and tries to catch the conversation.

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