Spare Me Page #4

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BREEZE:

Hey, you still here?

SID:

We're looking for Buzz Fazeli, seen him?

THEO:

I don't know no Buzz Fazeli.

BREEZE:

Look Sid, a Buzz Burger. The Faz's

favorite lunch. Sid reaches for the

plate. Buzz walks over to the booth and

pulls his burger away from Sid.

BUZZ:

Get away from that burger.

BREEZE:

Sorry Faz, we didn't know you was here.

SID:

Buzz, Mr. Kastle wants to talk to you.

BREEZE:

(to Theo and Buzz)

Are you guys bruddas?

The booth party is silent for a moment. Theo LAUGHS.

BUZZ:

No, we ain't brothers.

SID:

You know why we call him Breeze?

Sid puts a hand near Breezes left ear and blows into Breeze's

right ear. He makes fluttering motions with his hand as if

wind was hitting it. Breeze's face breaks into a smile as he

pushes Sid away.

BREEZE:

Hey, cut it out Sid, that tickles. I'm

serious! You guys are related, right?

THEO:

He's my dad.

Buzz flashes a warning glare to Theo. Sid grabs some of

Buzz's french fries.

BUZZ:

(slapping his hand)

Get your own.

BREEZE:

See that, toldja Sid. I knew I seen a

resemblance.

BUZZ:

Why don't you clowns get your whips and

get lost.

SID:

Look, Faz, Mr. Kastle was not his usual

charismatic self today when he told us to

tell you...

(gazing artfully upwards and

rubbing his chin)

What was that he said...?

BREEZE:

I remember, Sid! Mr. Kastle says he don't

like no sticky fingers in the till.

SID:

(exasperated)

Pinhead! Don't just blurt it right out.

Sheila comes over and PLUNKS down the three whips-to-go.

BREEZE:

(to Sheila)

Your pop said to put these on his tab.

Sid gets up and jerks his thumb towards

the door.

SID:

So Buzz, let's skedaddle. Mr. Kastle is

waiting. As Buzz gets up, Theo rises and

steps between his father and the two

sleazeballs.

THEO:

I'm coming with you.

Sid shies away from Theo, protecting his hand.

BUZZ:

Easy. I got business to do, Theo. I'll

come back and haunt you later.

(drops a twenty on the table,

pats Theo's cheek)

Don't say I never gave you nothing.

Buzz goes outside with a sleazeball on either side. Sheila

takes the twenty dollar bill. Theo grabs his jacket and makes

for the door.

THEO:

(to Sheila)

Do those two work for your dad or mine?

SHEILA:

Mine, and they never tip.

The sleazeballs hustle Buzz into the front seat of their car

and patch out.

THEO:

Do you know where they're taking him?

SHEILA:

Yeah, Babylon. Buzz runs the lanes there

for my dad. Everybody who has anything to

do with bowling in this town answers to

my dad. Theo splits.

27 EXT. WOODS - DAY 27

Junior is running at breakneck speed through the thick brush.

Bloodhounds BARK. Junior slows down and drops to his knees,

gasping for breath. He looks up to the sky. The camera pushes

up to his sweaty, tortured face.

JUNIOR:

(shrieks)

SHEILA!

28 INT. BABYLON LANES, BUZZ'S OFFICE 28

MILES KASTLE lounges in a cheap chair behind Buzz's desk

toying with one of those motorized wire balancing sculptures

they have in airport souvenir concessions. He is a carefully

groomed middle-aged low-budget version of Hugh Hefner in an

acrylic sweatsuit with 'Miles 'O' Lanes' embroidered on the

front. Sid and Breeze push Buzz into the room. Buzz is poker

faced.

KASTLE:

Buzz.

Buzz nods.

KASTLE:

(to Breeze)

You got my whip?

Breeze pulls the third whip out of a bag and gives it to him.

KASTLE:

(motions to Sid and Breeze)

Lose yourselves.

Sid and Breeze leave the room. Buzz goes to a locker and

begins changing into a flashy MC outfit.

BUZZ:

What's on your mind, Miles?

KASTLE:

We've been partners a long time now,

haven't we Buzz?

BUZZ:

Seven years.

Kastle pokes a straw into the whip and takes a long drag.

KASTLE:

This scam we got going here was your

(more)

KASTLE:

brainstorm, Buzz. I admit, I thought it

was a rotten idea, but I put up the

scratch.

(pulls a smile)

And now we got a beautiful thing.

BUZZ:

It's a beautiful thing.

KASTLE:

A beautiful thing. And you know why Buzz?

You know what we got? Buzz raises an

eyebrow as he buttons his shirt.

MILES:

We got balance.

Kastle flicks the little wire man. It bobs and sways.

KASTLE:

A partnership is a very delicate balance.

But let's say something tips the scales,

maybe one partner takes more than his

share, then... Kastle tips the wire man

off his perch. The little motor squeals

pathetically.

KASTLE:

... oops. We got no more balance.

Buzz looks on with narrowed eyes as he adjusts his cravat.

KASTLE:

And look at that; both partners go down

together. Kastle shoves the sculpture

onto the floor, stands up, and crushes it

under his heel. He goes over and puts his

arm around Buzz.

KASTLE:

Simple math, Buzz.

(he holds up his fingers)

Two plus two does not equal three.

BUZZ:

Miles, I've always been on the square

with you.

KASTLE:

I'm sure you have Buzz.

BUZZ:

Wish me luck.

Buzz jogs out into a spotlight.

KASTLE:

Break a leg...

(sneers)

...partner.

29 INT. DWARF BOWLING ALLEY 29

APPLAUSE erupts as Buzz appears in the spotlight. The dwarf

bowling alley is a pungently smoke-filled room peopled with

shady, washed-up bowlers sitting in chairs behind a bowling

lane. The old-timers are shouting and pounding shots.

BUZZ:

(over the PA)

Greetings, ladies, gentlemen.

(the place grows silent)

My dentist told me this one the other

day:
How many bowlers does it take to

screw in a lightbulb?

AUDIENCE:

How many?

BUZZ:

It takes three bowlers to screw in a

lightbulb. One to hold the bulb, one to

turn the ladder, and one to hold their

balls. Thank you, thank you. Just throw

money.

CUT TO:

30 EXT. BABYLON LANES - EVENING 30

Theo drives through the full parking lot of Babylon Lanes. He

pulls around the back and sees dark figures slip into a back

door. He parks his car, walks over to the now closed door.

It's locked. Theo finds another entrance and sneaks in. He

creeps his way through the darkened alley towards the sound

of raucous partying.

BUZZ (OS)

Welcome to Buzz Fazeli's Dwarf Bowling,

folks, where we bring you the finest in

specialized bowling entertainment.

THEO'S POV

Through a crack in a door Theo can see

Buzz standing in the spotlight.

BUZZ:

I would like to draw your attention to

the top of the lane.

(a Casio drum roll PLAYS)

Weighing in at sixty-nine pounds and

standing exactly three feet - the

diminutive dominatrix Teeny Weenie Tina

the Terrible! The crowd CHEERS as the

spotlight moves to Tina, a masked lady

dwarf duded up in a combination black

leather and cowhide western style S&M

outfit. She CRACKS a whip and leers at

the bowlers. They HOWL with excitement.

BUZZ:

Don't be shy, folks!

Tina straps into her customized skateboard. A drunken

customer forks over a wad of bills, steps up and grabs hold

of the mini-human projectile.

BUZZ:

And - bowl 'er!

Tina is hurled head-first towards the pins. The crowd goes

wild.

TINA'S POV

The camera tracks low behind Tina as she

crashes into the pins.

31 INT. BABYLON LANES, BATHROOM 31

Theo sneaks into an empty bathroom. He hears voices and ducks

into a stall. Sid and Breeze shove Buzz into the room.

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