Spinning Boris Page #5

Well, you'll like it if we win,

you'll hate it if we lose.

So, we're gonna have to win

at all costs.

I'll talk to Papa about it.

Dick, rise and shine.

Joe, drop your cock, grab your

socks, we got developments.

What, what, what?

It must have gone well with Poppy.

They want us back at the table

at two AM...

to work on his campaign

kickoff speech.

They want what?

No, wait.

We can't do that.

That's not our job.

We don't know enough about the

issues to write a kickoff speech.

- That never stopped us before.

- I can't bullshit in Russian.

- Joe, where you going?

- I'm going back to bed.

- No, we have an hour.

- An hour?

That's different. I thought

we were in trouble.

Okay.

We give them six bullet points.

The good old bullet point standby.

Enlighten us, professor.

The speech is a kickoff,

so it needs to be kickass.

Yeltsin's gotta come off

as energetic. Vigorous.

Popular, and he needs

a message...

that's topnotch.

Tatiana wants to know

why her father...

needs a massage. To look

more vigorous and energetic?

No, no.

Not massage. Message.

What he actually says.

"Message" doesn't exist

in Russian.

It's really hard to translate.

Well, that explains a lot.

Forget the word.

Word isn't important.

Let me show you what I mean. Look

at Zyuganov's nomination speech.

That's fiery, it's contagious,

and he's got things to say.

Slow down reform,

quash the Chechens...

The guy may be a commie,

but he's got a message.

That's what we need.

You see, unlike most incumbents,

your father can't run...

on his past record because

the majority of voters...

view him as a corrupt bumbler.

So, he has to... Instead run

on promises...

and the shortcomings

of the other candidates.

The president is spending too much

time bickering with democrats...

essentially

giving them credibility.

He should start

attacking Zyuganov...

and present himself

as the main alternative...

to the communists.

Attack Zyuganov?

What do you mean, attack?

Not physically. He's gotta

negative campaign him...

with truth squads and

TV spots and sound bites.

Truth squads?

Please explain.

Truth squads are hecklers sent

to your opponent's rallies...

to challenge and boo,

disrupt...

Did you guys watch

the first Clinton campaign?

Anyway, they dressed this guy up

in a chicken outfit...

Chicken George they called him...

and basically Chicken George would

follow Bush around and heckle him...

because he wouldn't debate.

But that's unfair.

What?

Tatiana, it works.

You call this truth squads?

Yes.

Papa will not use

this kind of tactics.

We may stop arguing

with the democrats.

We won't have negative campaign.

What will we have?

A positive campaign.

You said something

about running on promises.

So just give us the six

bullet points...

so we can all go to bed.

What six bullet points?

Six or seven or whatever.

Some points he could address

in the speech.

I think we need to take

a quick bathroom break.

Two minutes, okay?

Ladies and gentlemen,

also, if I may.

Joe.

- I don't have to go.

- Now.

Better safe than sorry.

- What the heck was that?

- Okay, let's recap.

One, we were alone when we

talked about the six bullet points.

Two, nobody was taking

any notes.

And three, the only

possible explanation...

is that we're being bugged.

As usual, I've enjoyed

the statistical analysis, Joe.

- Now I'm gonna go back and pack.

- No. Why?

So they're bugging? So what?

What've we got to hide?

Exactly.

Why spy on us, right?

They're paying us for our ideas.

Dick, they bug everyone here.

It's tradition.

Consider yourself

culturally enriched.

That's right.

Except I'm trying to remember...

Did they overhear anything? Did we

say anything bad about Yeltsin?

You know, I think...

I think I called him a putz.

- You did?

- I think so.

Maybe they don't know

what "putz" means.

Maybe we can tell them in America

it means "great president".

All right. We're back.

Now, this kickoff speech...

has to be different than anything

that he's done.

Let's bring him in through

the back of the auditorium...

where he parts the crowd

like it's the Red Sea.

And the crowd's going nuts.

You station your people

throughout to lead the crowd...

cheering, jumping up,

applauding.

That's right and he's moving

along, and he's shaking hands.

Like Kennedy, he's reaching out,

he's squeezing hard.

And babies.

He's gotta kiss babies.

If it's under three,

he's gotta kiss it.

Yeah. On the forehead.

For some reason foreheads

test better than cheeks.

Then he hits the stage and he's

surrounded by friends and family.

- Lots of love, lots of support.

- And he's smiling.

Smiling for him is going to be

very important.

Now the speech. Short.

Maximum twenty minutes.

And he needs to be sober.

Sixty-six percent think

he drinks too much, so.

Perhaps we should schedule

the speech early in the day.

- Great!

- Good idea!

They look f***ing comatose.

- It's like watching a corpse.

- They could be listening.

Clearly they're not.

Clearly they haven't heard

a f***ing word we said.

Look at this...

it looks like they're applauding

for letting them be corrupt.

They're applauding

'cause it's over.

Three hours and forty-six minutes.

Can you believe that?

How does someone talk

for 3 hours and 46 minutes?

Gotta be some kind of world

record for talking.

What happened? For God's sake

what happened?

We are so screwed.

Papa's advisors were against...

using phony American tricks.

Phony tricks?

Like what kind of phony trick?

Like smiling is a phony trick?

They advised him that smiling

would seem weak, make him seem...

Russian people want him to be...

more czar-like.

According to our polls, Russian

people don't want him at all.

But the speech was a success, no?

He stressed the six points

you suggested.

No, Tatiana, he didn't make

a single point.

I can prove it to you.

This graph corresponds to the dials

in front of each of the participants.

They turn it to the right,

and the wave goes up. See?

They see something they don't like,

they turn the dial to the left...

then the graph goes down.

All right, let's give it a whirl.

Sports is good.

All this activity. Everybody

likes sportsmen. See that?

But look at this, when

he looks mean. They don't like it.

They like it when he smiles.

They like it when he smiles.

I know.

Now here, watch this. The speech.

See that?

Negative.

It's negative entirely.

All the way through, negative.

You're right.

They hated it.

They hated it. I know.

- This is amazing!

- Isn't it? I know.

What do you call this machine?

This is the Perception Analyzer.

Perception Analyzer.

It's like you put their feelings

on screen.

I'll tell Papa to smile more.

What do you want first?

A shower or a cigarette?

Did it occur to you that she is the

daughter of the Russian president?

Really. Thanks for the info.

You're something. Both of you.

Tatiana...

It's not just the smiling.

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