Spring Forward Page #4

This other guy's supposed to be with me.

A Native guide or something,

some guy who knows the jungle.

But he's missing, and it's definitely dangerous.

I don't see any tracks or anything, but...

...there is no way I'm leaving this path.

And the birds are whispering, "A gun is stupid."

I think they want me to drop the gun as a trick...

...so that I get killed or something.

My hands are sinking into

the machinery of the gun up to my shoulders.

At that exact moment...

- The monster appears.

- And it sees me.

And I'm just terrified.

I just piss my pants right there.

Then I notice this other set of eyes...

...like a little dog.

A puppy.

Suddenly my hands are just freed from the gun.

So the puppy leads me off the path and...

...out to this...

...big field.

The puppy comes up to me,

and he gives me this big mushroom...

...with smoke coming out of it...

Light blue.

And we eat it.

And I feel this...

Relief?

No. More like...

I don't know. Knowledge.

And I'm not so...

I don't feel like I need

to get back to the path anymore.

I feel like I can just sit there.

The puppy.

The birds.

I can hear the breeze. The whole thing just...

It just feels...

...more alive.

- What are you doing?

- She should know about the watering law.

The guy's waiting with the car.

We've only got 45 minutes.

You want her to get a ticket?

You a**hole.

Whenever you wanna do something...

Besides, we don't want to waste the water,

Mr. Environmentally Concerned.

Don't. Please?

Miss!

Excuse me, miss.

I called Parks and Rec five months ago.

You guys never came for the railroad ties.

What railroad ties?

The previous owner

had a tacky garden in the back.

Railroad ties, gravel.

I thought you guys could use them.

You never came.

- We never heard about 'em.

- They're still back there.

Covered in dog sh*t, but still there.

- What's the matter with your eyes?

- What?

- I got allergies.

- Me, too. It's brutal.

- Don't you take anything?

- Nothing works.

You know the herbal tea?

The two-times-a-day one?

- No.

- Tea?

I got some. It tastes like hell,

but it works most of the time.

- When it doesn't, I take a prescription.

- What, drugs?

- What do you think?

- Mr. Natural here can't do drugs.

It's a good way to be. Don't make fun of him.

I'm not making fun of him.

- You know about the new watering law?

- What's the law?

I let my lawn die,

so the president of IBM can fill his pool?

Jesus. You sound like sh*t. Do you want a pill?

- No, thanks.

- Why? You like suffering?

- He's trying to cleanse.

- Okay, don't make fun of him.

- I'm not...

- You only got one body, gotta care for it.

- You eating cheese?

- No dairy.

He had pizza for lunch yesterday.

What are you saying?

- I'm trying to cut down.

- You won't take a pill, but you eat pizza?

Come in. I'll give you some of that tea.

It's herbal. Herbal's good for you.

Come on. The car guy's waiting.

We got 45 minutes.

- Are you on lunch break?

- Yes, we are.

So am I. I'll give you some food.

I've just gotta feed these puppies.

Two minutes! There goes the break.

Get some of this tea off of her anyway.

Come on, quick!

I don't want to let the puppies out.

Get back!

I got 'em. Watch the puppy!

Look at that one. Watch it. Get it!

There's too many pharmaceutical labs

to let them run around unescorted.

Come on!

Come on. Out.

Lunchtime.

Just make yourselves comfortable

here at the Taj Mahal.

They're beautiful, aren't they?

- What are they?

- Mutts.

Black lab, though. Why, you want one?

- I don't know if it's...

- Look.

- You got a dog?

- No.

Never?

- Not even when you were a kid?

- Nope.

Look how much

that little hungry puppy likes you.

You wanna show me

where these railroad ties are...

...and we can load them up?

Right back there behind the shed.

Next to the gravel.

Take the ties and the gravel, I'll throw in a dog.

I don't think my wife

would appreciate a third dog.

It's up to Paul there.

Never mind the bong. Look out for the dog sh*t.

She likes you.

You got a girlfriend?

No.

- A roommate?

- No.

- Yard?

- Yeah.

You should take her.

You never get lonely.

I come home from work, I'm so glad they're here.

It's like a marriage.

A group marriage.

They're our equals, you know, animals.

Some ways, our superiors.

They don't care who you are.

You're sincere with them, they love you.

No head trips.

I don't think that humankind

is the center of the universe.

A lot of problems would be solved

if we realized that.

I love animals.

- You eat meat?

- I just stopped.

That's good.

I mean, how could you love a...

...sweet little thing like that and eat a steak?

You know?

You should take her.

If you don't want her,

I'll let you bring her back, I promise.

- Okay.

- Okay.

Here. I'll give you my number.

- Thanks.

- What's your name?

- Paul.

- I'm Georgia.

I work at the school.

Why did I say that?

Don't you hate it when people define you

by where you work?

- We were just talking about...

- Where do people hang out here?

- There's...

- Single people.

I went to that bar, the Ancient Mariner.

They all look like escapees

from a J. Crew catalogue.

Chinos, the whole uniform.

Look how much she loves you.

I don't have a car...

Murph and me, we were gonna go look at one.

Now it's too late.

- I'm sorry.

- That's not what I meant. It's okay.

It's just that in this town...

...there's not a lot to do without a car...

I have a car.

You can...

...go other places and stuff...

- But me, I mostly...

- That stuff looks great!

Those ties, gravel,

I could use that on my driveway.

Did you see the old barrels?

- Barrels?

- Over next to the ties.

Next to the shed, not behind it.

Next to the shed.

I'll go look.

So, you don't have a car.

- You want to go out sometime?

- Sure.

- I mean, it's...

- Sure.

Because in this town, there's not a lot...

I can drive. Just call me.

Okay.

When?

- When?

- Friday?

- You don't waste any time, do you?

- "Birds gotta fly, fish gotta swim."

There's only one barrel.

I know. It's back there.

We've got time to look at the car if...

I got some Kleenex if you guys want it.

And I need to make that tea.

And you're taking a pill.

I've made my declaration.

- I'll take the pill.

- Well...

I didn't wanna go

rushing around without any lunch.

She got hungry...

We don't have to rush. Haste makes waste.

You gonna ask her out?

She looks like she got good karma.

I already did.

One year McCain had these left over.

I planted these day lilies.

Every year they come up.

Lilies round the trash.

You know...

...I been thinking about going

to that warrior weekend on Labor Day.

The thing in the woods? The brochure?

- It only costs $200.

- $200?

That includes food...

...lodging...

- What lodging? Three days of campground.

- Food...

- You said food. So...

I don't know. They got Porta-Potties.

Must be money for the organization, too.

They got speakers! They got a sweat lodge, too.

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