Standby Page #3

Alright?

So Alan tells me you guys

get together and stuff?

All you have to do is get married

and divorced to join us, Alice.

Is that all?

I'm gonna change out of these things.

I'll just be a sec.

Okay. Got room for another?

- Sure. But we only play for real money.

- That's a shame. I only have Euros.

A euro and you're in.

Do you guys ever think

about getting remarried?

No!

We've had enough of lies, Alice.

I'm sure men lie just as much

as women do. That's my opinion.

Check.

Check.

Raise.

- I'm out.

- I'm gonna stay for five.

I'll go along.

In my experience, Alice,

men lie because they have to.

Women lie because they can.

A guy once lied to me

and told me his mother was dying

just so he could put his hand up

my sweater. I mean...

that's pretty messed up, but I'm sure

you guys can all beat that, right?

My wife handpicked

our wedding photographer.

She said he was the best, and he was.

Because when he sent me

the wrong photographs,

I could see that they were

handpicking each other.

- It's true.

- Raise you five.

I'm out.

This girl I once knew, her boyfriend

secretly filmed them having sex.

And then, when they broke up,

he accidentally but yet anonymously

sent it to everybody

that she works with.

That being a sixth grade class

that she teaches.

All in.

Well, I'll... call.

With a full house of kings and aces.

- A straight flush beats a house.

- Unbelievable.

Hey, don't feel bad. Whenever there's

a winner, there's gotta be a loser.

I found my wife in bed with a man

dressed in a Wombles suit

while another man in a Barney outfit

stood above them taking a sh*t.

Alright? Ready to go?

I think so, yeah.

It was really nice to meet all of you.

- You too.

- Yeah, good luck.

- Did you play?

- Yes.

- Win?

- I don't know.

- Cheerio.

- Bye now.

So what did you think

when you saw me at the airport?

I thought,

'She's really let herself go.'

Speak for yourself.

No, I guess I thought...

that it was a shame

that we didn't keep in touch.

Well, if you had stayed

and accepted my proposal?

That was...

a mad idea.

I was just trying to get you

a Green Card.

I know...

but I still had another year in college.

- The sensible decision.

- Yeah. Hard to argue against it.

And then you got that super

awesome internship.

Yeah.

I always intended to come back.

It's cool. It was just

a summer thing. Right?

Right.

Far be it from me to pull you away

from your simple thatch cottage

- to the big city.

- Yeah.

You probably didn't even

own shoes, did you?

- Who can afford them?

- Just a bunch of freckles and a dream.

- And my fighting skills.

- Yeah.

How can you make a living without those?

- It was... it was just an idea.

- Yeah.

Chalk it up to a wild youth.

Think of that tattoo

that you never ended up getting.

- Here we go.

- The job?

Hi, Vicky.

Oh, it's kind of hard to hear you.

Hang on a second.

Hey! Sorry. Yeah. Right.

Okay.

Not close enough?

For someone who doesn't believe in lies,

you're really sticking your toe in.

I know. Just be cool.

Okay. Like you?

The opposite of me.

If I was cool, I wouldn't be doing this.

Where is she?

She just got the job of her dreams.

I love it when good things

happen to beautiful people.

Well, thanks for the opportunity.

Okay, bye.

- Maybe I should tell her the truth.

- This will kick the ass.

- So what if I don't have a girlfriend?

- I'm here. We're f***ing doing this!

- This is a bad idea.

- No.

- Yeah. I'll just...

- No. No!

You're a dirty liar now

just like the rest of us. Okay?

I was thinking we should plan

a nice trip.

I was thinking we should go away.

The wine's not very bad.

Two bottles, please.

So you guys work together?

That's gotta be interesting.

It has its moments.

It is hard to control ourselves.

The relationship is very physical.

Yeah.

- How long was it before you...

- Became lovers?

Sure.

- It was, it was pretty soon, yeah.

- It was at a David Bowie concert.

Well, not David Bowie,

but someone who look like him.

What was their name? You know?

The name of the band that was not him?

- Diamond Dogs.

- Yes, the Dogs.

Well... We went just as friends.

The David Bowie man,

he sings 'Life on Mars'

and the crowd, it surge forward,

pressing our bodies together.

And as David sing, we look

into each others' eyes as one.

And then we kissed.

Brilliant. It was a brilliant night.

- You're very good at this.

- Just to make her jealous.

Yeah, I got that when you compared me

to a fully inflamed stallion.

It's Valentine's. The least I can do

is pretend we are f***ing.

By the time I am finished,

she will be dying to be with you.

Look, it's not gonna happen.

She's got a boyfriend.

The guy who Wendy left you for.

He must have done this, no?

- Exactly.

- But it seemed to work for him.

I'm not gonna be like the guy

who ran off with my fiance.

Maybe if you were,

you would not be here.

- Who knows?

- This is obvious, Alan.

Weren't you doing finance? I thought you

were going to be the next Gekko the Great.

Just what the world needs.

The bank is a pool of rats.

He told them to shove it up their asses.

No, no, no, music is Alan's passion.

You quit your job?

Yeah, yeah.

I told them where to stick it.

Aren't you full of surprises.

- What is it you said?

- What?

You know, after you leave?

- Remind me again.

- That's it.

He said to me, 'Beatrice, we must live

in the moment. Not in f***ing suits.'

That's cool. You know, I...

I had this consultant gig for a little while,

and it was a pretty sweet deal,

but it just didn't do it for me. You know?

Yeah, right, totally.

And that's it, just like that,

never going back.

I mean, why would you, right?

If we had formed a band,

what would we have played?

- I don't know. Johnny Cash?

- I love Hank Williams.

Since when?

Last couple of years. Why?

You don't think he'd be on my playlist?

No, I'm happy he is,

but I'm pretty sure I played you some

back in the day and you weren't that keen.

I think I'd remember if you did.

- Let's agree to disagree on that one.

- Just that one?

Alan, could I speak to you

for just one second?

It's alright. I was just about

to go to the restroom.

- What's the problem?

- I've met someone.

- You were in the bathroom for two minutes.

- I was coming out, he was going in.

Our eyes, they meet.

Alan, I must leave with him now.

In what universe do you think

this is appropriate...

- I cannot help it!

- Billions of guys out there.

Can't you just let one walk by

with his pants still on?

Alan, this might be love.

You don't want to spend

the rest of your life

with someone you met

outside a toilet, do you?

Buena sera.

Well... well...

- Go on.

- Have fun.

Great.

Hi. Beatrice had to help out a flatmate.

They lost their key,

and they called Beatrice.

She's really sorry she didn't get to say

goodbye. She's really, really sorry.

Alan...

I'm between girlfriends at the minute.

So she...

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