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No.

So...

Why?

Would you like to order

some coffee or dessert?

I think we'll just take the check.

Look, okay, I didn't quit my job.

I was fired.

Any more lies you'd like to clear up?

A couple of months before that,

I was stood up at the altar.

- You were going to be married?

- Yeah.

- You?

- Yeah.

- To a real person?

- Yes, a real person. Wendy.

Wendy.

What?

Nothing. I'm just surprised.

- That I met someone else?

- Sure.

Well, Wendy turned out to be

a lucky escape.

I don't know what I was thinking.

- Once bitten, though...

- It still doesn't explain the fake girlfriend.

Look, okay, I promised you...

that if you ever came here,

I'd give you a great night.

I just wanna make good on that.

If you'll let me.

- 100% honesty.

- Trust me, 100% is impossible.

Well, as close to.

You can ask me anything.

Like first gig, first crush.

- Last time I whacked off.

- Sure.

- What?

- That last one.

Fine.

Last week.

I was on my own

in the apartment for once.

There was a film on the telly.

I had a couple of beers

and one thing led to another.

I'm not proud of it, but there you go.

Who was it?

Helen Mirren.

In 'The Queen'.

You're a fan of the Royal Family?

In the drunken scenario I came up with...

I was doing it for my country.

- Is that enough truth for one night?

- I think we're just getting started.

So you've just completely

taken yourself out of the game?

You could say I'm keeping

the bench warm or something like that.

Maybe you should think

about switching teams.

- Probably wouldn't hurt.

- Maybe initially, but you'd get used to it.

I guess I just haven't met anyone

who's ticked all the boxes.

- I gave up ticking boxes a long time ago.

- Really?

You just need to accept

that love is a lottery.

Well, I don't like those odds.

Well... tough sh*t.

So is this all people do in Dublin?

There's not that much to do

in the evenings.

Maybe in the summertime...

There must be something.

Play a few games of pool.

- Get a kebab?

- I thought you were a tourist advisor.

We usually advise them

to go somewhere else.

Okay.

Let me think.

Do what you did yesterday

Go on repeating

'Cause my heart's only on fire

When you are the teacher

You take the torch and I

Follow the leader.

You'd be my master

And I'll be your fever

You told me your past

was taken by thieves

Since then you've been running

In search of reliefs

You don't know when it's coming

I don't know either

Nice.

Dad worked here for a while.

We'd have lunch up here sometimes.

If you don't mind me saying so,

he seems to have some...

interesting views on women.

Well, sometimes they don't turn out

the way you hoped, you know?

Women or parents?

Just parents.

They're not meant to be unpredictable.

Okay.

Your folks will be delighted

about the news.

Well, unfortunately...

High security.

- Oh, crap!

- What?

I'm sure someone will be up in a minute.

Hello? Is there anyone there?

Try calling the desk again.

We're on the roof of a hotel.

Well, you know, someone has to hear us.

Can't believe I'm gonna get

double pneumonia for this!

You said the view was nice.

I was being polite. I've already seen two...

three people throwing up down there!

Okay.

I can really see why

you wanted to stay here.

Yeah, yeah. I was really hoping

to live it up here on the roof.

If I still need to say sorry

about the whole Green Card thing...

I think you're overestimating

your impact.

Alright.

There was nothing stopping you

from coming here.

You knew how I felt about you.

- Jesus!

- All right, that's it!

I'm done freezing my ass off out here.

- Get out of the way.

- What are you doin'?

- Get out of the way, Alan.

- Not before...

I knew exactly how you felt about me.

And that's what pissed me off the most.

You should see our summers.

Help!

- Did you hear somebody?

- My eardrums are full of water.

Please! Someone!

Hello?

Help him, please!

Something's gone down the wrong way!

- He's choking.

- Okay, don't worry, here we go.

One, two, three!

Thank you.

- Thank God!

- Oh, I was almost a goner!

I'm sure you've got plenty

of life still left in you!

If there's anything we can do for you.

I just don't know how we can thank you.

- We're grand.

- Oh, please. There must be something.

You wouldn't have

any dry clothes, would you?

We just popped up to drop

our things off, but...

the moment got the better of us

if you know what I mean.

- Well, thanks for these.

- Oh, no. Keep it. It's missing a button.

- You'll have to join us.

- We insist.

- Okay, yeah.

- Wonderful.

- Could you just give us a moment?

- Okay.

Don't take too long.

What are you doin'?

I think they're super sweet

and we should stay.

I'm really not up

for this kind of thing.

Come on. What, are you never gonna go to

another wedding for the rest of your life?

Do you not think they're creepy?

I thought this was my night.

Well, I mean, is it or isn't it?

This is so awesome.

It's like something out of 'Cocoon'.

Are you related

to the bride or the groom?

No. We just borrowed their clothes.

We're going to end up

on a spacecraft full of piss!

I've known Barbara for sixty years.

Yes, sixty years.

We were friends at first. Then life

took us in different directions.

We met wonderful partners and had

a wonderful married life with them.

We assumed we'd had our turn at love.

But then, all these years later...

we found each other again.

Oh, how lucky we are.

How very lucky indeed.

So I would ask you to raise your glasses

and toast to my beautiful wife, Barbara.

To Barbara!

I know it's short notice, but I just wanna

give her the best night I can.

No, it has to be tonight.

Just tell her you'll have sex tomorrow.

If you do it, so will Cian.

Look, there must be a place

we can play. Anywhere.

No, Dad's not working tonight.

Okay, you guys wanna play

weddings, right?

Help me out here and I'll play wherever

and whatever you want.

Even 'Fields of Gold'.

Brilliant. Brilliant.

Brilliant, thanks, Jimi.

You got a camera?

Are you getting them?

Yeah.

It's a keeper, alright.

So I never asked you how Paris was.

It was incredibly romantic

in a very depressing way.

Well, at least Dublin is depressing

for the right reasons.

Brian was supposed to come with me,

but he had to cancel at the last minute.

- Work?

- Yeah, he had this golf thing.

He cancelled a trip

to Paris with you for golf?

Some big client was in town, and he was

put in charge of showing him a good time.

Can't really say no.

It's how you make partner.

So do yous live together?

No. He lives with friends.

College buddies.

One year. My longest relationship.

We mostly see each other on weekends.

Right.

So when you say you're going out a year,

actually being in the same room...

A year of weekends, I guess.

Which adds up to?

A hundred days. Maybe less.

We had a whole summer together.

So that's nearly four months.

- Every day.

- Working, living...

We didn't live together.

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