Standby Page #5

Oh, well. We might as well have.

Are you still technically

my longest relationship?

Yeah.

Damn it.

One more for the road?

This road is getting longer

all the time.

She has a boyfriend. We're just mates.

Try and enjoy the night

like some kind of drunk eunuch.

Thanks.

What are you doing?

Oh, come on. I thought it would be

a pity to leave here without a dance.

Oh, come on.

We shouldn't.

Yeah, you're right. I didn't mean...

Maybe we should just go.

Yeah.

- I'm sorry to you. I got a bit carried away.

- Don't worry about it. It's fine.

I mean, it's crazy, right?

It would never work.

- Right.

- I'm over here, you're over there.

And there's the small matter of me

having a boyfriend.

Of course. Yeah, right.

But if you didn't have a boyfriend,

would it really be that far out an idea?

Because you're the one?

I don't know. I'm trying to be 100% honest.

I thought that's what we agreed.

You want me to be honest?

I really like you.

And not in some meaningless

roll in the hay kind of way.

We had something one time,

but we're different people now.

I just thought we could have

this one really cool night in Dublin,

and we could get away from stuff

and, you know, have fun. But I...

Maybe that's not possible.

Oh, for God's sake!

What is it?

Look, let's not leave it like this.

At the very least, we were having

an interesting night before I got stupid.

One more drink?

- Fine, if you'll get me a taxi.

- I promise you won't be disappointed.

- Okay.

- I think.

Oh, Danny Boy, the pipes

The pipes are calling

From glen to glen

and down the mountainside.

- Is this your regular hangout?

- You're one place as good as the next.

We passed, like, 50 bars

on the way here.

I think you're taking my advice

about switching teams to heart.

Listen, I'll be back in a sec.

Man, if I'm not back in 30 minutes,

my relationship is over.

I owe you big time.

Actually you owe Julie,

that tasty morsel at the bar.

She got us in at the last minute.

- Did you get the bass?

- They not here?

- Been here long?

- What?

- Been here long?

- Five minutes.

- Did someone...

- No, we brought our own glow sticks.

Will you stay for a pint?

My shout.

Grand.

Okay, and now for our final

last minute competitors

for the 'Talent Trophy'...

bringing the fifties back to life

without the use of Viagra,

please welcome 'The Nightlinks'.

Hi, everyone. This is a little song

about love and all its temposity.

Sing it with us if you know the words.

I'm talking to you, Alice.

I've tried so hard, my dear,

to show that you're my every dream,

Yet you're afraid each thing I do

is just some evil scheme

A memory from your lonesome past

keeps us so far apart

Why can't I free your doubtful mind

and melt your cold, cold heart?

- No.

- Yes.

Another love before my time

made your heart sad and blue

And so my heart is paying now

for things I didn't do

In anger, unkind words are said

that make the teardrops start

Why can't I free your doubtful mind

and melt your cold, cold heart?

I don't remember the lyrics.

You'll never know how much it hurts

to see you sit and cry

You know you need and want my love,

yet you're afraid to try

Why do you run and hide from life

To try it just ain't smart?

Why can't I free your doubtful mind

and melt your cold, cold heart?

There was a time when I believed

that you belonged to me,

But now I know your heart

is shackled to a memory

The more I learn to care for you,

the more we drift apart

Why can't I free your doubtful mind

and melt your cold, cold heart?

- Well done, Alan!

- Well done, Alan!

There's always next week.

I'm not even gonna say it.

Look, we're your mates. We're gonna

support any decision you make here.

But if you don't dick this girl,

you're lettin' us all down.

- Lads...

- For the record,

I disagree with using 'dick' as a verb,

but I think the sentiment is about right.

It's not just me you're lettin' down.

Not just me or your Da or Jimi.

I don't mind. I can take the blows.

Now is not the time

to be a cuddly hobbit,

singing weak ass songs about how

ginger ale makes your tummy feel all funny.

Now, my friend, is the time

to sex panther the sh*t out of this.

- What are you talking about? I've...

- What?

I'm not taking advice

from you ever again.

You always say the best way to get

a girl is to walk away from them.

- Yeah, make them come to you.

- That's a classic move in fairness.

Four years in college,

they never followed.

Jesus! I have fallen arches?

Who's going to follow someone

with corrective footwear?

I mean, at least I had an excuse.

What's yours?

I made a move. It didn't happen.

And she's got a boyfriend. End of story.

It's a great show, guys.

We'll take care of this stuff.

- Thanks, Dad.

- See you at home.

Good luck.

We were never here, right?

Lovely pint, though.

Are you sure we can't

convince you to join the band?

I'm just gonna have to be

an honorary member.

Well, this has been great, you know?

Really has. You're...

- Did I say something wrong?

- That's just something he does.

Right, I'm off.

I'm gonna have to break out the emergency

choccies to smooth this one over.

Be good.

- Another boring night in Dublin.

- Same old, same old.

- So I guess you were right.

- About what?

Hank Williams. That was the song

you played me, wasn't it?

I don't want to say I told you so.

Oh, my God.

You are absolutely covered in glitter!

- No, I'm not.

- You are.

Were you making out with one

of those drag queens or something?

Best I ever got.

Hey, that was so great.

Valentine's Day in a gay bar. Drama!

- You were brilliant too.

- Thanks.

Cool. So... what are you guys up to now?

'Cause there's a house party over in

the Northside, and it's going to be deadly.

- You've got your flight in the morning.

- Yeah, and it's past our bedtimes.

Jesus, how old are you guys?

So what are you guys studying?

Engineering.

That must be interesting.

Not really.

Well, you must be looking forward

to graduating then?

No. Not really.

No jobs.

Probably have to emigrate.

What did you say was in that again?

- What did you say was in that again?

- Hash.

It's strong. We don't usually get

hash back home. It's mostly grass.

Grass is class.

Good sh*t.

You definitely have to come to my 21st.

- You a nineties baby?

- You bet.

- What about you?

- '83.

- That's, like, pre-everything.

- Well, not everything.

So, what's the story with your woman?

Are you two, like, an item or...

Yeah, actually we are.

We're just on a little break at the moment.

For how long?

Eight years.

What? He do the dirt

on you or something?

- Totally.

- She's joking.

Yes, but you did convince me

that you were gonna come back,

which I believed

against my better judgment.

And then, you changed your mind

at the last second.

So you are mad that I didn't come back?

I'm not mad.

I think you want me to be mad.

Why would I want you to be mad?

I don't know.

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