Staten Island Summer Page #3

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before I was promoted

to manager over you,

we used to always

have a staff party.

I was, of course, never invited,

but also chose

independently not to go.

So, no party this year, though?

I hope not.

If you are having a party

and I catch you,

I will finally have the excuse

I need to fire your fat ass.

And I'll be

locking up from now on.

See these guys?

These are Chuck's now.

I find out you're

having a party...

Danny, you're

scaring the children.

She's perfect.

Oh, my God. She was saying

the same thing about you,

in your dreams, when you

were jerking off to her.

Remember? You made

a little mess on your tum-tum?

I should explain.

Krystal and I had a history.

She used to babysit me

when I was in third grade.

You were amazing tonight, Danny.

So well-behaved.

After she left, I did what

any third grader would do.

I pretended my stuffed lion

was Krystal Manicucci.

And I stroked its cheek.

And I kissed it oh so tenderly.

Over the years,

our relationship matured.

More grape juice?

I'm really starting to feel it.

And eventually

things intensified.

It was true love.

Look at them.

They're like tiny,

sexy Jeremy Lins,

bouncing that ass

like a basketball.

Right, let's do this. I get

Rachel and you get Rebecca.

Why do I get Rebecca?

Who cares? They're twins.

All right, you take Rebecca.

Rebecca's disgusting.

Hey, Rachel.

Gremlin.

We were just admiring

your dope-ass skills.

Maybe we could

play some doubles.

"Doubles?" Have you ever

played basketball, Frank?

Yeah, I've played

basketball, Rebecca. Okay?

And Rebecca will pair up with

that overflowing trash can.

It's a little more your speed.

Well, I would take

the trash can over you,

based on look and smell. Great.

Oh, what you got?

Oh, f***. It's an actual biker.

That guys looks like he has a tattoo

of Satan on his 12-inch dick.

I catch her with that

a**hole, I'll kill them both.

What the f***?

Holy sh*t!

Son of a b*tch!

Danny. Run, run, run.

Hey, kid! Did you just hit

me with that basketball?

I swear, it was an accident.

I promise.

Accident, my ass!

The basket's over there!

I'm sorry. You're sorry?

What's your name?

Danny Campbell.

53 Highland Lane.

In the future, you be a little

more careful. All right?

And your fat

little friend's a rat.

You know, a rat is actually one of

the smartest creatures on earth.

So I'm pretty sure

he was paying me a compliment.

Yeah? And what about

when he called you fat?

Uh, I'm pretty sure

he called me "flat",

as in flat-chested, which I am.

Hey, Danny.

Oh, sh*t.

You are Danny Campbell, right?

Dr. Campbell's son?

I'm Krystal.

Manicucci.

I used to babysit you.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, right.

Sorry. Of course. Krystal.

Yeah, I think I remember you.

I've had a lot

of babysitters, but yeah.

I'm Frank Gomes. I'm, uh...

Fresh pepper?

Fresh pepper?

You two enjoy... Have a good...

Enjoy the meal that you have.

Uh... Yeah, I don't

really know him.

So, were you leaving right now?

I could be.

Or I could stay.

I don't really...

I'm flexible, I guess.

Well, if you were

leaving right now,

I was going to ask

if I could get a ride home.

My dad was supposed to take me,

but he had to take

care of something.

Oh. Yeah. For sure.

I totally could

give you a ride home.

Um, definitely.

Okay.

So, you're going to Harvard.

Yep, going up to Boston.

Killer wheels, by the way.

Yeah, it goes

zero to 60 in never.

This is you?

Yeah, this is me.

Hold on.

Wow, you have

a really great house.

Are you kidding me?

It's horrible.

My mom decided she was going

to start redecorating.

Everything is marble.

Oh, yeah. And there's a painting

of Frank Sinatra on the cross

like he's Jesus.

That's a really

complicated image.

Yeah, well, I'm saving up

so I can move out.

And my dad is like,

a legit psychopath.

Really? Yeah.

Well, thank you. For the ride.

Yeah.

It was slightly

faster than walking.

That's the name

of my rickshaw company.

"Slightly Faster Than Walking."

Oh, hey, maybe I'll see you

at the pool this weekend.

You know, if you're around.

Uh, yeah. Totally.

I'll be there.

Not going anywhere.

And that's why it's called

"The No Spin Zone".

Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

He doesn't put up with it.

Mmm-mmm.

So, are you all packed?

Like, the car's getting full.

Hey, you know who I

actually saw earlier today?

Krystal Manicucci.

Remember, she used

to babysit me?

Oh, God. How could we forget?

That girl was crazy.

Thirteen years old

and she already had a tattoo.

How do you decide

on a tattoo when you're 13?

I mean, if I got a tattoo

when I was 13, it would be

a tramp stamp of Popeye right

next to a Chinese symbol

for Kraft Macaroni & Cheese.

Remember the time

she arrived with some guy...

He's older,

and he was stoned on heroin.

Or smack. Was it smack?

That's the street

name for it, yeah.

And they both came

riding up on a motorcycle.

What's so bad

about a motorcycle?

You want to ride a motorcycle?

Do you know how many of my

patients have broken bones

from motorcycle accidents?

How many of them

are in wheelchairs right now?

I don't know. How many?

Several.

Very many. Mmm-hmm.

Well, if Krystal was so crazy,

why'd you let her babysit me?

Because her father's

a psychopath.

You know that they're.

We were afraid if we

didn't hire his daughter,

we were gonna wind up

buried in a landfill

next to Dustin Hoffman.

Well, Jimmy Hoffa.

Well, then who's

the baseball player?

I don't think

anyone.

Anyways, um,

Krystal actually invited me

to a party this weekend.

In Orlando?

Because you're in Disney

with us this weekend, right?

Look, I'm not saying I'm going.

I'm just saying I was invited.

Well...

Maybe you can ride there

on a motorcycle.

Hey, maybe I'll see you

at the pool this weekend.

Yes! Bump! Yes!

Danny, I'm so happy

you are staying.

This is going to be

the best last weekend ever.

No one can touch us.

We're never gonna die.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hold on, hold on, hold on,

for, like, two seconds here.

Danny.

Krystal Manicucci

brought you back

to her house and

you didn't bang that?

This is the sh*t

I'm talking about.

F***ing Irish guys, man.

Okay.

Can we focus on the party?

Or, like, anything that

will keep you from talking?

Anything. Truly.

Okay, counterpoint.

Chuck said that

he would fire us

if we threw a party.

Also, Chuck took my keys.

Also, one of his balls

popped out of his Speedo,

and he tried to tuck it back

in like nothing happened.

- Bullshit.

- Not bullshit.

I saw the freaking thing.

It looked like a peach pit.

I'm not doubting that, Skootch.

Bullshit about getting fired.

We are having a party.

Oh, got it.

I'm in. Yeah, I'm totally in.

Okay, well, yeah,

I'm obviously in, too. So...

Mary Ellen?

Could one of the lifeguards

report to the pool deck,

where you're paid

to be lifeguards?

TTYO, guys. Thanks a lot. Hope

the summer's kicking butt.

Well, you heard the man.

Let's get to work. Yeah.

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