Staten Island Summer Page #4

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Whoo!

Oh, God!

All right. Now, the first thing

that we need is alcohol.

Lots of it.

I would buy it, but I

make, like, $300 a year.

And I spend,

like, $400 on weed, so...

I got this. All right?

Everybody just owe me 50 bucks.

I'll pick up everything we need.

No, I'm not giving you 50 bucks.

Where are you getting alcohol?

Relax. I can get us a deal.

I know a guy.

You know a guy? Who are you,

f***ing Pablo Escobar?

No run... Or do. I don't care.

People are gonna be hungry, too,

so we should

definitely get snacks.

Snacks, huh? Hey, Frank,

how's that diet going, huh?

Diet's going great. I ate kale out

of your mom's p*ssy last night.

Guys, we're a team. Right?

Frank and I will handle

the snacks and mixers.

Go. Yeah, right, whatever.

Just make sure

you get a little prosciut'

and some mozzarel'.

Wait. A little what?

I'm so sorry, did you mean

prosciutto and mozzarella?

I say it the authentic

Italian way, okay?

Oh, okay. So when you go to a

Mexican restaurant, do you ask for.

"Give me a burrit' and

a little guacamol'."

No, you don't do that.

You're an idiot.

You have no respect

for my culture.

More importantly, how are we

supposed to get in without a key?

I'll tell you how.

What? We're not

sharing a secret. Go.

Because Chuck wears a Speedo, he

always leaves his keys in the office.

But

he doesn't get out of the office

for more than 20 minutes.

Which is how long it takes to make

a full sweep of the premises.

Except for one time.

Every day,

at exactly 3:
25 p. m...

Toilet, I apologize in advance.

When Chuck moves his

perfectly regulated bowels.

When Chuck goes to the bathroom,

Chuck stays in the bathroom.

And we make a copy of the key.

Wow.

That thing is awesome.

Home Depot.

Let's take this honey

for a test drive.

What's that, hornets? Huh?

What did you say?

Oh...

Yeah. You know what that means?

Wrong answer, b*tch. Die! Die!

Die!

Die, all of you!

I think the flame

should be bigger.

Yeah, I was going to

say the same thing.

Oh, and you should get

some condoms, too.

You should get condoms.

I already have condoms.

I always have condoms.

Why? You've never had sex.

Having 12% of your dick

inside Megan O'Reilly

is suddenly not having sex?

I've had sex.

Just get condoms.

What, are you embarrassed?

Okay, one box

of the blue condoms.

One box?

That's all you're getting?

Yeah, one box. Why?

Stuff happens, man.

They rip, they break.

Sometimes you lose your boner.

And the friction makes it hot

and you have to tear 'em off.

Just get three boxes.

Okay, three boxes.

You're only

getting the blue ones?

Yes. Why? You get Magnums?

No, but she thinks I use them.

What the f*** are

you talking about?

Okay. I buy Magnums

and I buy regular ones.

I open up the Magnum package,

take out the condom,

put in a regular size condom

and reseal it.

Are you psychotic?

No. I'm a genius, Danny.

I have a very average dick. I'm rolling

six deep, maybe. It's not big.

But the second that girl

sees a golden ticket,

she's gonna be like, "Whoa,

this guy has a baseball bat."

And it doesn't even matter,

because everything feels

the same in the dark.

So three boxes

of Magnums, please.

No, I don't want those.

Oh, please,

don't let me interrupt.

You guys have fun tonight.

Cool. You're such an a**hole.

Can we also get this?

That's the thing. Leo

Manicucci isn't some, like,

crazy, messed-up mass murderer.

It will be in and out,

execution style.

Probably in front of your

family, which is f***ed up,

but, you know, he has to do

it, he has to send a message.

Don't sleep with his daughter,

or talk to her,

or ever, you know,

have anything to do with her.

And to be honest,

not a lot of people

get to meet the person

who eventually kills them.

That's a unique experience, Danny.

You should take that to heart.

You look like an idiot

right now.

No, I don't.

I look like a genius,

because we're going to

have watermelon vodka.

And that's a thing that

only rich people have.

You cut a hole in the top

of the watermelon,

you put vodka in it,

and then you have...

Sh*t.

You dropped your watermelon.

Yep, we'll leave it.

We don't need it.

For the homies.

Well, hello, gorgeous.

Oh, sh*t.

"Oh, sh*t" is right.

A beautiful woman

on a beautiful day.

Hey, look out up there.

You almost hit me with

this angel, you idiot.

Mmm.

I'll f***ing kill you.

Got any weekend plans?

You know what?

I just don't date

you.

Well, if and when

you do change your mind,

I know this topless-optional

Ethiopian joint.

Let me know.

In the meantime, I'll be at

the snack bar, as per ushe.

Come on by, say hi.

Very good.

Go around.

And keep going.

Do it.

Well, well, well.

What is new in

the world of horses?

Catch me up. I did not know

that about horses. Okay.

Hey! What the...

What are you doing? No!

Get back here.

Damn it.

Loser.

Ooh. Somebody help me.

I'm a naked man.

I mean, "Somebody help me."

Only that part.

Hey, cover me.

I won't let you down.

Ha-ha.

We're clear.

Yo, Campbell.

We got a special delivery.

All right. I need your help.

Frank, I need you to cover me

in the big pool. Is that cool?

The big pool? Yeah.

Or I could just

have Danny do it.

No, I'm good.

Got the big pool,

up on top. Lockdown.

Good. My man,

let's do it. Come on.

What is this?

It's my boy,

Greg DiStefano, man.

Buying alcohol from a cop?

Hey, don't worry.

All right, all right, all right.

You're under

arrest for being gay.

No, I'm f***ing with you.

That's legal now.

Wassup, you b*tch? Wassup, man.

How you doing, man?

Easy. Hey. Gun. Respect.

Sorry. F***ing with you again.

Who's this guy?

Uh, this is my buddy, Danny.

He's totally cool.

He's my friend.

I feel like these guys are...

Like the gay versions of us?

F***, man. So what's up?

We got a party?

You want liquor, I know.

I got to ask.

Everyone who's drinking,

they 21?

Right?

Wink. I'm f***ing with you.

Always f***ing with you.

Never forget it.

All right, come on.

I got something else for you,

if you're interested.

All right.

Got a couple of fireworks.

Holy sh*t! Welcome to China!

Fireworks. Get in there,

whatever you want.

However, beforehand...

Yeah?...Can we stop by?

You mind if we kind of roll up?

Stop by where? Yeah,

it'll be fun to come.

To the party. To the party.

This is my boy Wankel,

by the way.

What's going on? Wankel, Officer.

Oh, hey.

No, I don't f***ing hug.

I'm sorry.

Uh, I don't know if you guys

want to come to this party.

We'll come. It's a party, right?

With girls and sh*t?

There's girls, yeah. We would

be very interested in coming.

Um, then, yeah. A firm yes.

That's what I'm talking about.

See you Saturday. All right?

Now unload the trunk.

Let's go. Hurry up.

The city's paying

for this. Come on.

All right,

let's get the booze first.

These guys can't

even pick up the keg.

What are they,

f***ing firemen, bro?

Hey, leave the syrah. The syrah stays.

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