Staten Island Summer Page #6

---

'cause the legs ain't listening.

Right?

Mom, I've never ridden a

motorcycle in my life.

I don't think I've actually

seen one in person.

But you know what?

If I want to ride

a motorcycle, I will.

Okay. It's a perfectly

viable life skill.

No, it is not, Danny. It is a

death skill, that's what it is.

A death skill.

A motorcycle?

Is she the one that's turning

you on to these motorcycles?

That girl is a bad influence.

You don't even f***ing know her.

Whoa! Language, guy.

You can't ground me anymore, Mom.

I'm an adult.

And like any normal adult,

I'm not going to Disney World.

You know why?

Because normal adults go

places that are interesting.

Like England. Or France.

Well, for your information,

we're going to England.

And France.

It's called EPCOT effing Center.

Jesus.

That's what happened

when they rode motorcycles.

You got any hot sauce?

No, we don't, Griffith.

All right. This ought

to kick it up a notch.

Where did you get this?

My cousin works for Delta.

He gets free jet fuel.

Hey, Victor. How you doing?

Unstoppable.

Word.

Hey. I wanted to let you know we're

having a staff party this Saturday,

if you want to come by.

Oh, really? You're inviting me?

Like, you consider me

part of the staff?

Yeah. Of course, man, always.

You want me to make

anything for the party?

I'll do an ice sculpture.

You know, like an angel.

Nah, I think we're good, man.

But thank you.

Yeah, I wanna make you

an ice sculpture.

Oh, no, you don't have to,

man. I think we'll be okay.

We're gonna have, like,

booze and weed and stuff.

We don't need an ice sculpture.

It's summer.

It'll melt pretty fast.

Huh? It's ice, so it'll melt.

So we don't...

So you want one? No.

Yeah.

Hey, did you see

the giant new hornets' nest?

Where? Yeah, over the shed.

- What?

- Holy sh*t.

Yeah. You might wanna

take care of that, man.

Come on, little man,

we got some work to do.

Move out of the way, yeah.

Watch it. Very flammable.

Can I come to the party, too?

We'll see.

I only get a plus one.

Yo.

Will Hunting,

this is disgusting.

All right. Come on.

Quit your dog shopping.

Chuck's at lunch.

It's game time. All right?

I'm out today.

All right, man. You're

gonna miss all the action.

I'm telling you, Osama Bin

Laden had this dog. Right?

Best friend in

the entire f***ing world.

And our military

was able to go in,

kidnap the dog,

bring it back to the US,

teach the motherf***er

how to speak English,

and that's how they found out

where Osama Bin Laden was hiding.

What, you don't believe me?

Okay, I can do this.

This is easy. Frank Gomes, drug buyer.

I can do this.

Hey.

Can you guys get out of here?

Sorry. Could you please leave?

Thank you.

That looks good.

Enjoy your juice.

Hey, uh,

Konko.

That's a cool name, man.

Is that Eastern European?

So you sell,

mmm, drugs?

Oh, because I'm black,

I sell drugs.

No. I did not say that.

I heard a rumor

that all ice cream men,

regardless of race, sold drugs.

Relax, dude. I'm just messing with you.

All right?

Okay.

Yeah, I can get you some.

What you want? Crack?

Crack? No. Not crack.

No, no, no, no.

I just want some weed.

You know, weed.

B*tch, do I look like

I sell crack? No.

You have your own business.

You're not dumb.

You're a smart guy.

You want green, right? Yeah.

All right, let's go, get in.

Your truck? I only got five

minutes on break, man. I...

We'll only be gone a minute.

Like an actual 60-second

minute, or like,

you know, "Wassup, homie, haven't

seen you in a minute" minute?

Now get your simple ass

in the truck, man.

I'll get in the truck.

I'll get in the truck.

All right, give me your parents' money.

Let's go, guys.

Whoa, Sofia, high roller.

Where did you get this?

Bets are closed, guys. Two to

one odds on Mikey Calcags.

You're a punk, Mikey.

Nobody likes you.

You got this, baby.

You got this.

Hey, I'm looking

for Chuck Casino.

Oh, not now, man.

We got deck races going on.

Hey, you want in?

Hey, and by the way,

my kid is a lock.

I sprinkled some Adderall

on his chicken fingers.

All right, remember the rules. You

stay within the glass bottles.

First one to dive

into the shallow end wins.

And remember, you guys,

no running.

Come on, come on, come on, Mikey.

Go! Run!

Go, Mikey!

Come on, Mikey! Go, Johnny, go!

Come on, Mikey! Go!

That was Calcags.

Boo-yah.

Oh, thank God, man. Oh, my kid

yesterday wiped out like a mo'f***er.

There was so much

blood in the pool,

it looked like the Kool-Aid

Man killed himself.

Like he caught

his wife cheating.

Like he came home

and he was like,

"Oh, no."

Just brains.

Just Kool-Aid

brains everywhere.

Who are you?

I'm the health inspector.

I was kidding about everything.

A health inspector?

What are you doing here?

Is this some sort of

surprise inspection?

Are you Chuck Casino? Yeah.

You called me.

Oh, that's right, I did.

I did. I forgot.

Anonymously.

"Are dogs reliable spies?"

Hey, can I check out

the ice creams?

I told you not

to touch anything.

Can we turn on the music? No.

The pH level is a five.

Bro, five out of 10 ain't bad.

It's out of 14.

And yes, it is bad.

It's worse than urine.

I'm shutting you guys down

for the weekend.

What? Yeah. What a shame.

I guess this happens

with pools sometimes.

Did you do this?

Why would I want to ruin a party

that I wasn't invited to?

You son of a b*tch. Okay.

Skootch, Skootch, Skootch.

Whoo!

Look. Don't move,

and don't touch nothing.

Yeah, yeah, you got it, Konko.

I got to get

the f*** out of here.

Shaolin's finest.

Wassup with you?

F***.

- May I help you?

- Hi!

Hey. Uh...

I was just...

I wanted some weed.

Uh, yeah, I could get some weed. If

that's cool for you. Convenience.

All right, come on.

Oh, my God.

All right.

Ready to do the honors?

Hells to the yeah.

Okay, but remember.

A-B-C. "Always Be Safe."

Sir, you got to believe me, man.

Chuck set this whole thing up. I

swear on Chuck's shitty life.

Sorry, Skootch.

Looks like the P-A-R-T-Y is.

O-V-E-R-Y.

"Party is overy?"

Wait a sec, did you say Skootch?

Yeah.

Did you work at the YMCA,

like, 15 years ago?

Perhaps.

Mike Lynch.

Shut up. You taught

me how to swim.

Mikey Lynch, man? Yeah.

Dude, I haven't seen you since

you were, like, this tall.

What's going on, man?

All right, here you go.

Shaolin Special.

That's cocaine. Do it.

Ugh, I did so many lines

of coke,

it's like I don't even

know what time it is.

Listen, if you gonna buy from us,

we need to know you straight.

Uh...

Do it.

I love you so much, Rachel.

Dude, you hooked

up with Kim Douglas

inside that dumpster.

She was so hot.

No. Yeah.

Married? Check it out, bro.

No way...

You can say it. Say it.

She got big. No.

She got big. She got big.

F***! F***!

What the f*** is that?

It was a Pixy Stick.

Dude just snorted sugar.

Oh, God damn it!

You guys are jerks!

You guys are real jerks!

What? Who the f***

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes