Step Brothers Page #8

with a buddy of mine, Topher.

You guys remember Topher, right?

Driving around, he has this

brand-new Testarossa, right?

We hit this four-point buck. Dead.

Lying in the road.

Long story short,

we sue the state of Michigan.

I end up getting 125 G's. Okay?

You know what I spent that money on?

Sniper rifle to hunt deer.

Either way, the deers lose,

my friends.

Good riddance.

Eat all the damn flowers, anyway.

If you'll excuse me...

...I think I'm going to go into

the other room to check my hair.

- Excuse me.

- Sorry, everybody.

If you'll excuse

my space-cadet wife here.

Let's just say the meds

aren't helping.

I'm kidding. Kidding. But not at all.

I have to get some more gravy.

- Oh, Dale, it's right there.

- Oh, no.

Shush up, Nancy.

I have to get some more bread.

What did I do to deserve that?

What do any of us do

to deserve anything?

I pay enough taxes to support

all these lazy goddamn liberals.

Get off me! Off!

Get back. Get back! Back!

- What do you want?

- Merry Christmas, darling.

- Merry Christmas.

- Oh, that was torture.

I couldn't eat another bite of turkey

without thinking of you inside of me.

Come on, let's try something illegal.

So, Tommy, what did you

get for Christmas?

Well, Santa brought me the Bowflex

and $ 1000 in fresh-minted $50 bills.

Wanna know what I got

for Christmas? A crushed soul.

- Alice, please.

- Sing along, Santa.

You know this song.

What is that noise?

It's... This is the ghost.

- Just try to be quiet. Okay.

- You're right. You're right.

- We've got to be discreet.

- All right.

No, no! Oh, hey.

Are you all still talking in here?

What are you doing?

Alice was moving a chair from the

living room into the dining room...

...for an extra chair

and her back went out.

And I just did the best thing,

which is get right on the muscles...

- Muscles.

...so they don't seize up.

Just add some heat to it.

Damn it, Dale, sit down.

It's just a real deep, tight muscle.

Hey, sweetie,

can you grab me a beer?

- I'll get you another Heineken.

- Yeah.

Merry Christmas.

And how about you, Tiffany,

what did you get for Christmas?

I got this Mikimoto pearl necklace.

But next year I'm gonna ask

Santa for breast implants...

...because I'm impatient

with my body.

Hey, Tiffany. Wanna know

what I got? A crushed soul.

You mentioned that earlier.

- So good.

- Oh, gosh!

It's gone into a real bad spasm,

so I put a yoga move on her.

- grant me this one,

because I was pretty wasted.

So I put my lips

around that breathalyzer...

...and I saw those numerals pop up:

So I started going to Chad

Michael Murray's Christmas party.

I think that was the year.

And just driving...

I have to interrupt you. Robert, while

the children are in the living room...

...I think this would be a good time

to make our announcement.

- What's going on?

- It's over.

I'm gonna be moving in

with my friend Jack Handle...

...and Nancy found a townhouse

in the city.

What is this? What's happening?

What Robert is trying to say

is that we are getting a divorce.

- Don't do this.

- No. No!

- I could've called this one.

- No.

- Yeah.

- Is it our fault?

- Is it because we were bad?

- No. No.

The main thing that

Robert and I talked about...

...is that we did not want you two

to blame yourselves.

- What can we do to fix it?

- Dale, honey, are you okay?

- Why are you calling him "honey"?

- I cannot stress this enough:

- It is not your fault.

- Whose fault is it?

- F*** it, I wanna f***ing know!

- Let's cut the sh*t.

- It is directly your fault.

- Robert.

You destroyed my boat.

You beat me up in your sleep...

...and worst of all, you made

Nancy and I resent each other.

- It is absolutely 150 percent your fault!

- Of course it's their fault.

They're the world's biggest d*ckheads,

and they're living in your house.

- Shut up, Derek.

- I'm sorry, but that...

Please don't cry like that.

Please don't, Brennan.

- Mommy!

- Dale!

I told you that they would feel

completely to blame.

- Oh, let's grow up.

- I think I'm going to throw up.

- I think I'm gonna throw up...

- Don't throw up.

...all the nice dinner that I had.

I'm gonna throw it up.

- You're not gonna throw up.

- He's gonna throw up.

- Come on.

- My God, he threw up. Oh, this is ugly.

- Hey, guys. Guys.

- This is not nice!

- All right, dipshits. Right here.

- Stop it, Derek.

- One, two, three...

- I don't want my picture taken now.

Good luck, and remember, I need you

out of this house by tomorrow.

No exceptions.

If there's anything you need,

anything that you boys need...

...you just give me a call. Okay?

It's all right.

Hey. Are you awake?

Yeah.

I can't believe we actually

have to move out of this house.

I know. I feel bad.

Hey, you know,

we don't have to whisper anymore.

Mom and Dad aren't here.

Yeah, but can we keep

doing it, though?

It helps me pretend that they are.

You must feel just terrible.

- I mean, I know I feel bad.

- Yeah.

But I can't imagine how you feel...

...after my dad looked

right at you and said...

...it's all your fault

that they broke up.

That's funny, because my mom said:

"If that curly-headed f*** Dale

wasn't here...

...everything would be perfect."

- You take that back.

- No way. It's your fault.

You know what your problem is?

You live in a fantasy land.

You refuse to get a job...

...and you don't know what it's like

to work for something.

You don't take responsibility for

your actions. This is all your fault!

Well, you're a mama's boy

who's too chicken to sing in public!

Yeah, that's right.

Run away, little boy,

because you know it's true.

Just avoid everything.

What are you doing?

- Dale broke up Mom and Dad

- Motherf***er!

Dale broke up Mom and Dad

Dale broke up Mom and Dad

- Dale broke up Mom and...

- Brennan!

Get up, Brennan,

I know you're faking. Get up!

Get up!

Brennan?

It's just like Cold Case Files.

It's just like Cold Case Files.

It's just like Cold Case Files.

People die every day.

Give him a proper burial

in an unmarked grave...

- Brennan! You're alive! Oh, my God.

- I know.

I'm alive.

- You were dead. I saw you die!

- I was faking.

I used ninja focus

to slow my heart rate down.

- What are you doing?

- I'm burying you.

- I'm alive. Brennan, I'm alive.

- You're waking the neighbors!

- Shut up!

- No. No.

- Now I'm gonna play your drum set.

- Help me.

Close your eyes.

Let the dirt just shower over you.

This is your fault.

Oh, I'm exhausted.

I'm gonna sleep good tonight.

- Don't you touch my drums!

- Zombie!

Zombie! Zombie!

Get off me, zombie.

Get off.

I'm late for school.

I will kiss you right on the mouth,

Kenny Rogers.

- Just get off me.

- Hey.

So I guess it's really over.

I'd say you trying to bury me alive

pretty much did it.

You know what I just realized?

You've been the one

dragging me down.

Now I'm gonna go out and I'm gonna

get a job and an apartment...

...and then I'm gonna get Mom

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