Step Brothers Page #9

and Dr. Doback back together.

I'm gonna be the hero,

and you can suck on it.

My life was perfect

before you came here.

Me and my dad had a perfect setup,

and you wrecked it.

Hey.

We're no longer brothers.

We never were.

We were stepbrothers.

- That was one of your best.

- These balls f***ing suck.

All right.

Well, well, well,

look who's here, boys.

Can you give me a job, please?

TJ, get an office pool going.

Give Ken-Doll Crotch here

two weeks, tops.

Dr. Angel Face,

I just wanted to say thank you...

...for meeting me

on such short notice.

- Don't call me Angel Face.

- I apologize.

I'm very alone right now, and the thing

I wanna ask you to help me...

To show me how I can be

a grown-up.

Do I carry my

high-school diploma around?

What do you do with your hair?

What happens if there's

inclement weather?

Where do you...?

What do you wear?

Can you wash clothes

in the dishwasher?

I notice that there's a long gap

in your job history...

...and it said for 22 years...

...you went Kerouac

on everyone's ass?

I'm gonna be honest with you.

I really need a job.

And I will take any position,

as long as it doesn't involve...

...having sex with old ladies

for money or bear traps.

- Those are my two bugaboos.

- All right, got it.

There's a catering business,

there's a temp job open.

And you get to play with fire.

What do you want?

This is my online-poker time.

I'm ready to take on

the Catalina Wine Mixer.

Slow down there, Speed Racer.

I know what it entails,

and I'm ready to nail it.

I want it, okay?

I want the Catalina Wine Mixer.

- Yo, yo.

- Hey, D-man.

- You tell him what's up?

- I sure did.

- Hey.

- Hey.

Your brother wants a shot

at the Catalina Wine Mixer.

I'm ready, walking tall.

You're ready to run with the bulls?

I've been earning and burning,

snapping necks and cashing checks.

Screw it, let's let him do it.

It's a win-win for me...

...because if you f*** up, Brennan...

- Yeah?

...I get to fire your ass. But if you pull

it off, I look like a genius to the board.

- Okay?

- I get it.

Brennan, here's the thing.

It's the Catalina f***ing

Wine Mixer, okay?

Are you saying "pow"?

What are you saying?

It's the biggest helicopter-leasing

event in the Western Hemisphere...

...since 1997.

- Why does he keep doing that?

- I have to sell or lease...

...at least 80 choppers

to make my nut.

And you mess with my nut, Brennan,

Randy here is gonna eat your dick.

Like Kobayashi.

I've seen him do it.

You've seen him eat a penis?

It was in international waters,

so they couldn't prosecute him.

I tell you now, I'll nail it.

I'll pull it off, okay?

Wait a second,

why do you want this so bad?

Trying to get Mom and Dad

back together or something?

- Why do I want this?

- Yeah.

Because I wanna make bank, bro.

I wanna get ass.

And I wanna drive a Range Rover.

Okay, well, you better, Brennan.

This is the f***ing

Catalina Wine Mixer.

Nancy. Hi.

Hi. What are you doing here?

Well, Dale's working the function.

Guys, this is supposed to be jicama,

not bok choy.

Sorry, folks.

And I got an invitation from Brennan.

Can you believe

Brennan put all this together?

And now here we all are in Catalina.

- It's funny, huh?

- Yeah, it's funny.

- Hey, hey, hey.

- Hey.

Not bad. You're nailing it.

- Thanks, Randy. That means a lot.

- Yeah.

I don't know what it is...

...but I wanna deliver one of these

right in your suck hole.

- Is there anything I can do?

- No. Not really. It's your face.

Again, you're doing great, man.

The Catalina Wine Mixer.

We're all having a great time,

having fun.

You pulled it off.

But if you don't change your face...

...l'm gonna change it for you.

- Okay. Okay.

All I can do is take that in,

consider it...

...and I'll just do my best version

of whatever I think that would be.

I don't even hear you,

your face is driving me nuts.

- Thanks again, though.

- Oh, tits. Hold on.

- Hey. Hello, Catalina Wine Mixer.

- Hi.

How are you? We are Uptown Girl.

We are California's preeminent

"Piano Man"!

What did I just say, man?

All right, we don't play that...

...so let's keep it in the '80s

and let's keep it fun.

You having a good time?

I hope you are,

because sometimes life can be tough.

And I know that sometimes

it's hard to "Keeping the Faith."

You guys seem to be hitting it off.

Oh, honey.

Oh, my God,

this is the greatest party.

- Hello, Robert.

- Way to go.

- Brennan, this is fantastic.

- Way to go.

So impressed.

- Hi, Dad. Hi, Nancy.

- Hi, Dale.

- Hey, Brennan.

- It's good to see you.

Thanks for hiring

our catering company.

Easy decision. You guys have

a outstanding track record.

- Just like old times, huh?

- Right, it really is.

You still have your

night-vision goggles?

No, no. No, I had to sell those

to pay for car insurance.

How about you?

You still breaking boards...

...or kicking holes in pumpkins

or anything?

No.

But I did start taking baby aspirin

to reduce my risk for heart attack.

That makes sense.

Gotta keep an eye on it, you know.

- Knock off the sweets.

- Thank you.

It's a truly funny observation.

Yeah.

Dale, the empanadas

are starting to sweat.

Okay. I better run.

- It's good to see you, Brennan.

- You too.

- Take care, be well. Take care, Dad.

- Okay, buddy.

- It's great to talk to him.

- Yeah.

I gotta go too.

We should do this again.

I think it was very constructive.

- Maybe grab a bite to eat?

- Sure.

- Go to Outback Steakhouse.

- Okay.

I've grown very fond of that place.

Thank you for coming.

Great to see you.

It was very nice to see you, Robert.

I think Brennan organized this

whole thing to get us back together.

You have to excuse me.

I think that I just might cry.

It's the funniest thing. Bye-bye.

"Start the Fire," buddy!

Come on, man. Play something

from The Stranger!

We strictly do '80s Joel music, sir.

'80s Billy Joel doo-wop sucks!

Hey, listen, motherf***er,

we only sing '80s Joel!

So take your skank hooker wife

and get the f*** out of here!

Sh*t.

- What's wrong?

- All right. "What's wrong?"

Get him out of here.

Get his ass out of here!

Hey.

Hey, great job, f*** face. You just

busted my nut. This party's shot.

Just relax. I didn't realize

he would say these things.

You know what?

You cost me money.

So this isn't even

a judgment call, man.

- You're Audi 5000, my friend.

- Derek, can't we talk about this?

No.

- Hey.

- Sh*t.

- Is everything okay?

- No. He just fired me.

What happened to the music?

The band left. The guy freaked out.

Derek fired me.

- It's no big deal.

- Robert, you don't get it.

It's the Catalina Wine Mixer!

People have killed

to be in the position I'm in.

- He's right. It's a big deal.

- Here's a thought:

I see an empty stage.

I see drums, I see a drummer.

I see a microphone,

and I see a singer.

- Dad, come on.

- What?

- We gave that stuff up.

- We don't do that.

Listen to me.

Dale, look, when I was a kid...

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