Strange Bedfellows Page #5

(Neil)

I really appreciate this,

you know?

No worries.

(Timmy)

So, Ralph.

T ell us where you

and your friend

have been hiding out

all this time.

(Ralph)

It's a little town

called Yackandandah.

You probably

haven't heard of it.

The Sleaze Ball.

What?

Where I saw you before.

Nah.

(Neil)

So when did you two

come out, then?

Today.

On the bus.

Yup, that's it.

Dirty fuel.

Should give it a test,

though.

Sure.

You know, I really could have

done this on my own, Neil.

And now,

for your entertainment,

give it up for the luscious,

the gorgeous,

the breath-taking Monique.

[cheers and applause]

Looking at you,

my troubles are fleeing.

I'm admring the view,

'cause it's you I'm seeing.

(Neil)

Now let me get you a drink.

What will it be?

Just a beer, thanks, Neil.

Heineken, Redback,

Steinlager, Coopers?

As long as it's cold.

Where's your man?

Oh, haven't got a clue.

Look, don't get me wrong,

but you two seem

like an odd couple.

Well, we're poofs,

aren't we?

It doesn't get

much odder than that.

[cell phone ringing]

[laughter]

Hello.

Ralph, what's going on?

You playing tonight or not?

Fred.

Uh, listen, mate.

I'm in Sydney.

Sydney?

Yeah, I'm up here...

for a visit.

Oh.

We were expecting you

for poker.

You have got

to meet Ralph.

She is so crazy.

Geez, mate, I forgot.

She's up from the country

with her boyfriend.

Yeah, I'll be back tomorrow.

What's her name, Ralph?

Sorry, Laurie, what was that?

I said, what's

your boyfriend's name?

Vince.

What was that about Vince?

Oh, Vince.

Yeah, he's here.

[applause]

He's...

Ooh, careful, love.

Give a girl

a hernia.

Who was that, Ralph?

Listen, Fred,

I'm in a bar, mate.

It's very noisy.

I've got to go.

I'll see you tomorrow.

[country music playing quietly]

It seems Ralph and Vince

are in Sydney.

Really?

Why would they be

in Sydney?

Must have gone

up there for work.

Yeah, yeah,

sure, sure.

I think so.

Vince does have

a business.

Of course,

he's a businessman.

Wears a tie and all.

(man)

Probably...

gone up there for business.

Definitely.

I went to Sydney

for business once.

See? It's quite common.

Yeah, of course it is.

Vince is a businessman.

He went up there

for business.

Why do you think

Ralph went?

Because...

he's a mechanic.

Of course he is.

And a damn good one.

[cheers and applause]

Darling,

Iife seemed so gray.

I wanted to end it

till that wonderful day

you started to mend it.

And if you'll only stay,

well, then, I'll spend it

Iooking at you.

[cheers and applause]

Did you get any compliments

on your pants?

I think my undies

frightened them off.

[laughs]

[bear yells]

Oh, I didn't expect that.

Oh, neither did I.

First prize, eh?

We must have been better

than I thought we were.

(Laurie)

How you guys

enjoying the big city?

Well, to be honest, Laurie,

if I hadn't have seen it

with my own eyes,

I never would have believed

a place like this existed.

Wonderful, isn't it?

(Laurie)

Yeah.

A lot of things have changed

in the last 300 years.

Nowadays,

it's in to be out.

No one seems to notice anymore.

Oh, yeah?

You should come down

to Yackandandah.

I grew up in the country,

and I can tell you,

it was not easy.

(Neil)

You guys are heroes.

You know that?

I mean, you've lived

amongst all this prejudice,

and here you are,

years past your prime,

eyes filled with passion

that's only for each other.

Yeah, just look

at the two of you.

Beautiful.

You know...

you make me proud

to be a gay man.

T o Ralph and Vince.

(Neil)

T o Ralph and Vince.

(Tim)

T o Ralph and Vince.

Who wants

another drink?

You know,

it's funny, mate.

And don't take this

the wrong way.

But the worst thing

about all this gay business

is not that

people think I'm gay.

It's that people think

I'm going out with you.

Eh?

Well, no offense,

but if I was really gay,

I could do

a lot better than you.

Yeah?

I tell you what.

If I was really gay,

I could do a hell

of a lot better than you.

Sorry, mate.

I don't think so.

Oh, yeah,

I'd have good-looking blokes

after me, you know,

Iike movie stars

and that.

Like who?

Oh, Burt Reynolds.

Burt Reynolds isn't gay.

No, but I could probably

get him to turn.

You certainly couldn't.

Vince.

Yeah, mate?

I think it's just as well

we're going home today.

Yeah.

[tires screeching]

[Carla on answering machine]

Hey, Dad.

You're probably out

helping get things ready

for the ball tonight.

We're at Jigalong,

and Pete's just

filling up the car.

Just rang to see

if you needed us

to bring a chicken

or anything for tea.

But you're not home,

so we'll sort it out

when we get there.

Okay, see you soon, Dad. Bye.

(Yvonne)

Vince?

There was

a gentleman here today asking

where you boys were earlier.

Really?

Yeah, he said

he was a bit early,

and I had no idea

where you were,

but he said

he'd be back.

Oh, here he comes now.

Um, Vonnie.

Mm-hmm.

Me and Ralph

are in a big hurry.

Can you do us

a really big favor?

Yeah.

Will you just tell this guy

to meet us at Ralph's place

in, say, half an hour?

Is everything all right?

Oh, yeah.

Just a business thing.

Vonnie, thanks.

Oh, Vince.

[bear yells]

I'd like to wrap it nice

for you.

[disappointed]

Oh.

He's here, Ralph.

(Ralph)

Who?

The bloody ferret

from the--

(Ralph)

Strewth.

You must be the gentleman

looking for us.

I'm Vince Hopgood.

Ah.

And this big hunk

is Ralph Williams.

And I'm Russell McKenzie.

Russell.

Sorry, sorry

to keep you waiting.

We just got off the bus

from Sydney.

Didn't know you were going

to be here early.

No worries.

Um, could--

could you be a dear

and give us 200 mnutes

to snip home

and take these rags off?

Of course.

You got

the address, then?

I do.

Splendid.

Lovely day for it.

Super.

What's my favorite color?

Purple.

It's blue.

Blue.

Little things like that

will trip us up.

Sorry, love.

So remember:

when we first got together,

I chased you,

and you played

hard to get.

If you say so.

Good.

So how'd you do it?

Do what?

How'd you win me over?

I bought you flowers,

took you out to dinner.

Yeah? Where?

I don't know, the pub.

Cheapskate.

That wouldn't win me over.

All right, I took you

to that flash restaurant

in the Beachworth Motel.

Well, at least that's got

a bit of atmosphere.

Yeah, might have even

treated you

to a naughty weekend.

I don't even want

to think about that.

Okay.

What?

Mate, I don't want

to do this

any more than you do.

But we got to look

like the real McCoy.

Agh.

Relax.

And then:

No, no, no, no.

I can't do it.

I can't believe you.

You still find all this

disgusting, don't you?

No, I don't.

Yes, you do.

After all we've seen,

all the people we've met,

you still find homosexuality

disgusting.

No, I don't find homosexuality

disgusting at all.

I just think

it'd be disgusting with you.

Yeah.

All the more reason

we have to rehearse.

Come on.

Come here.

Here we go.

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