Strictly Sexual Page #4

how to run a cable through the yard.

Anything else?

Beer.

Know what I love about LA, Joe?

People don't date.

They just move in.

Yo! Yo!

- Dick, gimme it.

- You're being a dick, man, I found it.

Dude, it ain't yours. It belongs

to somebody else, let me have it.

It ain't yours either, man.

- They're fighting over a ball.

- Just spray them with the hose.

Should we do something?

They're probably hungry,

put a bowl of food out for 'em.

- Let go, dick!

- Gimme it!

It's my ball, man!

You guys hungry?

Where are you going?

Isn't it Saturday?

No, I'm going to the store.

It's open.

In fact, I have a very important

meeting with a fashion rep.

Okay.

Bye.

I'm going to write.

You two boys behave yourselves.

- Don't you write at home?

- Too distracting.

See that, Joe?

They're up all night on Friday

and then go to work on Saturday.

Yeah, they're like guys.

Hardworking. Like us.

I respect that.

Look, fashion week is next month.

All the top designers, all the critics...

...every magazine are gonna be there.

- Yeah, I know.

No, I know you know.

You're a designer but I'm the rep.

And I'm very successful

at getting people in.

- Absolutely. You're one of the best.

- My being the best isn't the point.

The point is that's very difficult

to get into fashion week.

Only a certain amount of designers

get in. You're lucky.

This guy just dropped out.

Drugs, overdose, who cares?

- I want you to take his place.

- Are you serious?

- You can get my line in?

- Yeah.

Just have your line ready.

And putting the show on isn't cheap.

You're gonna have to pay

for all this yourself.

Don't come to me.

I'm not the bank.

Well...

...I cab barely make ends meet now...

- Make it happen.

I make the rest happen.

How do you like my dog? Makes me

seem warm and approachable, right?

- Think we're invited for dinner?

- Sh*t, I guess not.

- I think we're slaves.

- We are.

- We are whores.

- We are, aren't we?

Should we go invite them in?

No, we always make enough

food for four.

I don't know, I guess I just

thought you were... I don't know.

You are such a liar. You always

act like this when you like a guy.

Don't even!

I like f***ing the guy.

- Boys, dinner's ready!

- Guess we're invited.

This is a good gig

we got going on here.

- So don't, you know, mess it up.

- What do you mean?

You know what I mean. You can just

kinda piss people off sometimes.

So, how come y'all didn't

have girlfriends back home?

What?

Did you just kick me? She asked

a legitimate question. I'll answer it.

No, no, never mind.

It was a stupid question.

Tell you why we didn't have

girlfriends back home.

Three simple words:

women are morons.

Excuse me?

Are you for real?

He just said all women are morons

and I'm included in that group.

- I mean, you know what I mean.

- He didn't mean you two.

And where do you get off

saying something like that anyway?

No, I'm trying not to piss you off,

so forget it.

No, no, please.

Please, let's hear this.

Women wanna be treated like sh*t.

Thus the fact:
they're morons.

Can you generalize a bit more?

Listen, whether she's a supermodel,

works at a daycare center...

ugly, hot, it don't matter. You all look

for the guy that pisses you off...

a guy you couldn't complain

about try and fix.

Should I complain about men?

Where should I be getting?

First of all...

You wanna know the number

one complain...

I hear about men from women?

"He's too nice."

That's considered a detriment.

Show me some girl can date

any guy she wants:

fifty bucks says

she's with some a**hole.

They don't want nice.

They want a**hole.

Okay, let's just drop it

'cause you're pissing me off now.

Alright. I'm a guy. I'm the one

suffering the injustice of it all.

You don't see guys saying...

"Yeah, I broke up with this girl

because she was too nice".

I don't do anything shitty.

Guys break up with you

'cause you're too nice?

- No, I break up with them.

- Oh, yeah? How come?

Stanny, it's not

in your job description.

You're right.

Would you like some sex?

You have a way with words.

You should be a writer too.

Oh yeah, I'm gonna write a book.

It's called...

"Men Are From Mars and

Women Are F***ing Morons"!

What? Bro, this is what they're really

paying for, they want to hear abuse.

You should thank me.

All you can do is sit there.

You look like Mr. Compassionate

next to me.

So, wait.

If all they want is abuse...

and I'm the nice guy...

does that make me

the good one or the bad one?

We're a team.

We're a team, brother.

My God.

Right there. That was so good.

Don't stop.

While I'm down here

can I ask you something?

Well, okay.

Where the hell does the pee

come out of this thing?

- No, don't stop what you're doing.

- You want me to explain specifically...

That's okay, later.

F***ing amazing view. I could stand

here for hours and just take it in.

Yeah, it's funny.

Never really come out here anymore.

I'm sorry if I offended you before.

I was just f***ing around.

No, you weren't.

No, I guess I wasn't.

Actually, it's alright.

I'm writing and you're giving me

a lot of good material.

- What do you mean?

- I guess writing is...

just putting down on paper

what people say.

I forget sometimes

how the male mind works.

It's good just to, you know,

get it down.

I hope you're learning something.

Let's just say my characters

are coming to life.

You must be a really great writer.

How do you know

how good or bad I am?

'Cause you got conviction, you know.

Not a lot of girls are like that.

When you talk about men or sex...

you don't apologize, you don't

hold back. You just say sh*t.

You got something to say.

I love that.

I think it's time

you got back to work.

That was amazing.

Don't be shy to tell someone

what you like.

People miss out on great sex

all the time...

just because they're shy about it.

It's just communication.

- You're secretly very smart.

- I know. Don't tell anyone.

- No one would believe me anyway.

- Okay.

So, there's gotta be something

you've never done...

something you swore

you'd never do.

- Yes, there is but I'm not gonna do it.

- Well, why not?

Is it something that your last few

boyfriends wanted you to do...

and you wouldn't?

Oh, yeah.

Tell me, how come you write? I mean,

you don't really have to do anything.

Why do you write stuff?

I don't know.

I guess I should have some Byzantine,

philosophical reason why, but...

mostly I just like making

things up. It's fun.

Yeah, it probably is, huh?

It's kind of like reading a great

book or going to a great movie.

It's just this amazing escape.

Yeah, f*** reality.

I just drink more.

- Okay, you just gotta relax.

- Oh, my God. No, no, no.

This isn't physically possible to...

No, this can't fit.

What d'you mean? You've seen

the size of my dick, right?

Well, have you ever taken

a poop that big?

See? It's gotta fit then. All you have

to do is just relax a little bit.

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