Stuck on You Page #5

has grossed over 200 million dollars!

And secondly, I don't beg.

And you know why I don't beg?

- No.

- Because I am a f***ing Oscar winner!

Cher.

Oh, hi.

Can I help you?

Sorry, we're looking for stage 32,

and a little lost.

Thirty-- There's no 30--

Let me have a look at that.

You're on the wrong lot. You want

stage 32 at Half-Mast Studios.

- That's across the street.

- Oh, well...

So that would explain

why the guard was shooting at us.

Sorry to bother you.

What?

You're Cher.

- Oh, boy.

- l-- Sorry. I'm sorry.

- I'm just a bi-- I'm a big fan. Big.

- He is.

Big fan of your work.

And I'm an actor too.

- You guys are an actor?

- No, no. Not him. Not him. Just me.

- I'm a short-order cook back East.

- Yeah.

He does that, and I'm out here right now

just kind of going through it, you know?

Living it right now. It's going well too.

I got a couple of things going on.

I'm doing a gig

across the street, actually.

I have an agent. Could I just trouble you

for an autograph?

We're busy.

- Right. Okay. No heat on that.

- Wrap it up.

All right, well, just keep on keeping on.

Do what you do.

That really puts things into perspective,

doesn't it?

"That really puts things into perspectiv-- "

Just get me out of the stinking show!

So this is your first job, huh?

Yes. Yes, it is.

Actually, I was wondering...

...is there somebody around

who might have a script?

I haven't gone over my lines.

They're just gonna set up

the scenes...

...and then they're gonna let you all

just kind of wing it.

Improv. This director

sounds very progressive.

I guess.

Who exactly is in this film?

Phil Rupp, Lolly Gagger,

Marianna Trench...

...and Rebecca Romaine-Staymoist.

Phil Rupp.

Never heard of him.

- You're kidding.

- No.

You never heard of Phil Rupp?

Oh, he's done over 500 films.

Hey, what exactly is Pavlov's Dog

about anyway?

Pavlov's Dog? It isn't Pavlov's Dog.

It's Pavlov's--

Dong. Scene 14, take one.

And, action.

That's it, Phil, you spring to life now.

Good. Excellent. A little more.

Give me some more.

I want some more. Nice.

Phil, you disappear now.

The freaks are gonna jump in...

...and we discover the whole scene's

a horrible nightmare.

Wait. Look, Cher,

if you break this contract...

...they'll blackball the both of us.

You'll be finished.

I don't give a goat's bobo

what it says on that thing.

I knew we shouldn't have trusted

that bastard Morty.

Maybe he didn't know

what the movie was about.

He was the executive producer!

Yeah.

Doesn't that contract say

I can choose my own co-star?

Yeah. So what?

I just found my leading man.

Men.

What are you, frigging nuts?

Siamese twins!

- The network'll never go for that.

- Exactly.

That way they'll break the contract

and not me.

Don't--

Cher, please, don't do this.

Hey, guys! Guys?

I just want to say that I am really sorry

for being a b*tch back there...

...but I was in the middle of being

balled out by my creepy manager...

...and I guess I took it out

on the wrong people.

Hi, Bob.

Hi, May.

Walt, what happened to your foot?

I fell off my unicycle.

- Easy.

- I sprained it pretty bad.

This is our friend April.

- Hi, May.

- Nice to meet you.

- God, you're a doll. Good going.

- Thanks.

So we're all here.

What's the big news?

- Yeah, what's going on?

- Okay, well, as of tomorrow...

...my brother, Walter L. Tenor,

the thespian...

...will be co-starring in his very own

major network television series!

- That's incredible.

- It's called Honey and the Beaze.

Cher plays Honey,

I have the role of Mack Beasley.

- Cher Cher?

- One of the nicest women.

- As classy as they come.

- You must've done a great audition!

- He didn't even have to!

- Nothing.

We bumped into Cher on the studio lot,

and she invited us out for coffee.

Actually, yerba mats,

which is this very soothing tea drink--

- Six bucks, though.

- Yeah.

She starts telling us all this personal

stuff like, she's been in a relationship...

...for the last three years

with a very high-profile actor...

- ...but they've kept it out of the press.

- Who?

How would we know?

That's way too personal.

- You didn't ask her?

- No, I asked a lot.

And she said,

"That's way too personal."

We had it going on!

And I was going:

Mikey! I haven't seen you, man.

To Bob, my best friend,

who I'm just getting to know.

- Hello, May.

- Wes!

Oh, aren't you gonna introduce me

to your best friend?

- Hi, name's Bob Tenor.

- Yeah, I know who you are.

- I came up with that.

- It's a double-entendre.

- I'm sorry, Bob.

He hacked into my computer at work

and read my mail.

Don't be pissed there,

lover boy, okay?

I think I had a right

to check up on my girl.

- I am not your girl!

- Not my girlfriend, huh?

Then what was that about

up at Mulholland when you sucked--

Hey, hey, hey!

I think we've heard enough, okay?

Bob, let him finish.

When you sucked down a six-pack

with me and said you cared for me.

- You--

- I said I cared for you as a co-worker.

You have good business sense.

That's all.

Hey, Wes, why don't you go drown

your sorrows somewhere else, okay?

I have a better idea.

You and me, why don't we step outside?

Let's go. Come on.

No, no, no, you stay out of this.

This is between him and me.

Come on, burger boy, stand up.

What the hell's wrong with you two?

- You can't fight fair?

- No, Bob, do not fight him.

He's a black belt.

Just like I thought.

You're a p*ssy.

Let's not let that--

ruin our night.

- Come on, let's dance.

- Oh, no, I'm a terrible dancer. I--

Come on.

Walt, should you be dancing

on a sprained ankle?

Gonna take more than a sprain

to keep me off this dance floor.

You were right

about your brother Walt.

He really doesn't give you

much rope, does he?

She's not talking to you.

The weather's been

just unbelievable, isn't it?

It's just, like, incredible.

Because I bet back home

that it's snowing still.

Well, snow is beautiful too.

Oh, no, no, no, snow's my favorite.

I love snow. It's awesome.

Hey, and we don't

have earthquakes there, either.

- Earthquakes scare me.

- Oh, me too. They, like, freak me out.

Hey, what's with all these maniacs who

live on the cliffs, like on stilts out here?

- These people are out of their minds.

- I couldn't do that.

My dream house

would have to have a yard.

No, you definitely have to have a yard.

That way, that way we could have dogs.

I meant, me and my wife

could have dogs.

Not you.

Not that I have anything against you.

Hey, May, let's go to the bathroom.

- We'll be right back.

- See you.

How'd my right-hand man make out?

Look, man, I don't want any trouble.

Holy sh*t!

She's cheating on you

with a circus freak!

Hey, Walt, Walt, Walt...

Come on, man.

Come on. Let it go!

- Bring it on! Yeah!

- See you.

- Come on, man.

- Oh, I'm scared.

- Come on, man!

- Chill, man! Let it go. It's not worth it.

Hey, boys from Beantown,

why don't you say hello to Billy Buckner!

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