Stuck on You Page #6

Okay, I'm in.

Yeah, the same thing with you, right?

- Come on.

- What's going on?

- We're getting out of here.

- What happened to these guys?

Bad sushi.

This is a joke, right? These are the guys

she wants as her co-stars?

Actually, just Walt.

He's the one in the white jacket.

- I don't get it.

- Oh, I do.

You see, Cher thinks she's being slick.

Isn't that right, Howard?

She's trying to force us

to pull the plug on the show.

No, come on, Terry!

Hey, look at me.

I swear on my kids,

it's got nothing to do with that.

Well, I got a message for Cher.

Tell her we start shooting first thing

Monday morning.

What kind of deal

you looking for?

Basically, it's the same deal I got

for Kitty Carlisle in What's My Line?

- Twelve hundred and fifty dollars?

- Per show. And that's not all.

He gets his own dressing room

with a star...

...and a fresh pot of coffee every

morning. And none of that cheap stuff.

Folgers Crystals.

That's very doable.

What are we looking for

on the back end?

You mean the brother?

Bob doesn't really act.

How about 50 bucks a week

and his own dressing room?

Hi, are you Attorney Honey Garret?

Who's asking?

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

Name's Mack Beasley.

I understand your law firm is looking

for a crime scene detective.

All right, Mr. Beasley,

you have five minutes.

Well, I appreciate you taking the time.

This is quite an office you work out of.

Yes, I know.

So...

Well, Mr. Beasley,

what are your qualifications?

Well, I'm a Rhodes scholar.

I have a Ph.D. in bio-analysis.

I trained with the Navy SEALs for,

let's see, seven years...

...and I won the Heisman Trophy.

Twice.

Well, here, fill this out...

...and I'll see if I can squeeze you

into an entry-level position.

Fantastic. Let me tell you,

you won't regret this.

If you need any references

or anything...

...I can certainly furnish you

with everything that--

Bob, Bob, Bob, you're killing me.

You're really-- Cut it. Cut it.

Ten. That's 10 times.

Please, let's go.

It's okay. It's just very, very important

that you stay on your mark.

Yeah, I'm just-- I am a little nervous.

I have some opening-day jitters.

It's okay, kid.

It's just, you have to stay out of frame.

Okay? Otherwise, the whole show

won't work. All right?

Griffin, back home

at the Oak Bluffs Playhouse...

...we used to disguise him

as different props.

- Right.

- Great idea, we'll turn Bob into a bush.

- lt might not be such a bad idea.

- lt is a terrible idea!

The network has made it very clear

that the kid stays out of the picture.

And this way we don't have to explain

why the Beaze is followed by a bush.

- Still gotta explain the sucky dialogue.

- Hey, hey, hey.

I'm sorry, Bob, do you now

have a problem with the script?

No, no, no, the script is awesome, sir.

It's just the dialogue.

I mean, every guy knows

that Archie Griffin's the only guy...

- ...who won the Heisman twice.

- Archie who?

Hey, Bob, just cool it, okay?

He didn't mean it.

The kid's right. This script sucks.

Griffin, come here.

Why don't we just give Bob a chance

to write the script?

Yeah, right.

- Bob, you ever written for television?

- No.

See how perfect this is?

We can get rid of the old hacks...

...that wrote this crap,

get some fresh blood.

Are you suggesting

that we bring in the bush...

- Yeah.

- ...to punch up the script?

Look, you gotta go with me on this.

I got a good feeling about this guy.

I don't believe this.

I just-- l--

All right, everybody,

that's, you know, that's a wrap.

Okay, folks, that's a wrap!

Congratulations...

- ...you're the new head writer.

- Thanks.

Cher! Cher!

No, no. No!

- ls your throat sore? Are you achy?

- I'm just feeling a little run-down.

I was up all night studying lines with

Walt, so that's probably what did it.

Is that why he got you

the big teddy bear?

Yeah. He really went overboard

this time.

Now, get some rest.

- And I'll see you tomorrow.

- Okay.

Thanks for the "neo-tu-tong."

Bye-bye.

Jeez, I thought she'd never leave.

- I am a terrible person.

- I don't know why you're doing this.

- Why don't you just tell her?

- You're right. The time has come.

You know?

By the way, I gotta give you some

credit for bringing Moe on as a writer.

He's really given the Beaze character

some dignity, you know?

I don't want to be an actor who takes

a role and ends up looking like an ass.

Know what I mean?

I just can't believe this.

It's like a miracle.

- It's not a miracle. WaIt's a great actor.

- Yeah, but Bob can't act.

- How are they gonna pull this off?

- Hush. It's starting.

- Hey!

- Watch the show, you dumb-sh*t!

Miss Garret, there's a Mack Beasley

here to see you,

I don 't know any Mack Beasley,

Get rid of him,

- I'm sorry, I told him not to--

- Are you Honey Garret?

Just who the hell do you think you are,

barging in here?

I figured I had a right,

According to this cocktail napkin,

I'm half owner of this law firm,

- Where did you get this?

- Won it off a drunk at a poker game,

That drunk

happens to be my ex-husband,

- I can see what drove him to the bottle,

- You son of a--

I meant losing a beautiful squaw like you

would drive any man to the firewater,

- You see that? That was Bob.

- Where?

- He was right there.

- You got farts in your head.

- l' m telling you, I saw his nose!

- I'll keep this...,

- There he is again.

- lt is his honker!

- Yeah, that's him. That's him.

- Oh, my, Bob looks very good.

He's lost a little weight and he--

Nice tan.

With Chromakey, the camera picks up

every color except for blue.

To the audience at home,

you don't exist.

Hey, Bob, put your mask down.

Check it out.

Wow.

I look incredible.

Look at that.

What the hell is this?

Oh, we're giving Walt a chance

to spread his wings.

- Well, he was doing just fine before.

- Well, now he'll do even finer.

Barney. Check out what I'm doing

to Cher's butt.

Hey.

- You like that, huh?

- Put some junk in her trunk.

- Can I talk to you in private?

- Sure, Cher.

Don't you realize how morally repugnant

and politically incorrect it is...

...to hide WaIt's

God-given Siamese-ness?

Your concern is very touching, Cher,

but let's live in the real world.

America isn't ready for that.

Besides, Bob doesn't want to act.

I just don't believe Bob

should be cut out.

- We do.

- You seen today's trades?

Listen to this:

"Despite its generic title, Honey and

the Beaze should generate solid buzz.

With snappy writing that pokes fun

at an all-too-familiar genre...

- ...show deserves to find an audience."

- Hey!

"Newcomer Walt Tenor's inspired turn

as cocky but sensitive...

...biochemist Mack Beasley more than

compensates for a lackluster perf...

...by Cher and indifferent direction

by actor-turned-helmer Griffin Dunne.

Tech credits are run-of-the-mill."

It's a rave, guys!

- Great.

- Son of a gun.

This baby may just make it.

Oh, excuse me, Miss Cher.

There's a few fans outside

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