Stuck on You Page #7

hoping for autographs.

All right,

but I'm not taking any pictures.

- No, no, no--

- What's this?

Sh*t, it's just Cher.

Sorry, I should have specified.

They're looking for Walt. Seen him?

Hey, lady, can you

go get the Beaze for us?

We want Beaze! We want Beaze!

We want Beaze!

Hey. You wouldn't happen to know

if Bob was alone, would you?

I highly doubt it.

Okay.

Bob?

Hello?

I've got a surprise

for Mr. Sick-in-Bed.

Oh. I'm sorry.

I was looking for Bob.

What? What? May?

Oh, my God.

You're not brothers, you--

No, May, no!

It's not what you think!

May!

May, wait! Wait! May!

It's not what you think.

Listen to me.

I don't have to listen to anything.

I have eyes!

Well, then use them.

Oh, my God.

Please...

...don't go.

I wonder what she's got

under that hood.

I'm really sorry, Bob.

It's not your fault.

Don't worry. She'll be back.

Where else is she gonna find

a guy like you?

I don't know. Chernobyl?

Don't worry, boys. We're gonna

hit this thing head-on.

- What thing?

- Someone ratted you out, boys.

It's gonna be all over the 5:00 news.

Cronkite's gonna have

a field day with this.

In the wake of the startling

revelation that Walt Tenor...

...of Honey and the Beaze

is a conjoined twin...

...sponsors are running for the hills,

Let's get out of here before

Johnny Press comes sniffing around.

Come on.

What are you waiting for?

We stand firmly by our decision

to hire Mr. Tenor.

Sadly, the realities of our business

template are such...

...that with the loss

of our sponsors...

...we are forced to halt production

until further notice.

We will, however, run the final

three episodes, as scheduled.

Here's the plan. We're gonna

canvass all 48 states with denials.

Now, I'm giving you the same advice

I gave Hudson in '56.

Deny, deny, deny.

Right. Deny what?

That there's two of you

where one should be.

I got a better idea.

Who asked you, Trixie? These are

my clients. They'll do as I say.

Wait, what's your idea?

Hey, hey, hey,

what is this, a minute-iny?

It's really simple.

Don't "deny, deny, deny."

Embrace.

You know Walt Tenor from

the series Honey and the Beaze,

His secret is out, You all know it,

He's here to share it,

Please welcome Walt and Bob Tenor,

Come on out here, guys,

- Good to see you,

- All right,

Have a seat,

Have a seat,

Have a seat, gentlemen,

- Thanks for coming,

- Thank you, This is great,

Let's get right to it,

How do you iron and fold

a pair of pants with four legs on it?

- We take turns,

- He thinks we do,

His memory's so bad

I always say it's his turn,

- My memory's not bad,

- Come on,

Sometimes I think he 'd forget his

own brother if I wasn 't sewed on,

I understand you 're an athlete,

I'm told you were all-state hockey goal--

Oh, you were! Oh, okay!

You were an all-state hockey goalie,

But Walt was honorable mention,

- Oh, okay,

- Oh, come on,

He carried me,

- Dude, I gotta ask,

- Yes?

What if you have to go

to the bathroom at the same time?

It's actually harder when

only one of us has to go,

- What?

- Go to sleep.

You got a geography test tomorrow.

Oh, nice ball, Walter.

Yes!

- Awesome.

- Very good. Very good.

- Play something else.

- No.

- Come on, Walt. Come on.

- No, no, that's all I got.

Walt, this is from the management.

We're all big fans of your work.

Oh, well, forward on a big thank-you

on to the management from the Beaze.

I will.

Can you believe all this?

It's awesome.

I'm really happy for you, Walt.

Hey, look at the chickadee

passing through the room there.

She thinks she's so hot.

Hey, maybe you ought to go over

and work some of your magic.

Huh? Come on,

just go over and say hi.

You're a free bird.

Start taking advantage of this.

- No, no.

- She's checking you out.

- I don't want to.

- Back up.

- Seriously, I don't want to.

- Go over there. Say hi--

Stop it!

I said I don't want to.

What is the matter with you?

I was just fooling around.

I'm out of here.

Well, I've been thinking a lot lately.

Yeah?

About?

I think we should do it.

Okay.

What are we gonna do?

The operation.

What?

Yeah. Yeah, I don't think either of us

is gonna really be happy...

...until we've just done it.

Are you crazy? I have never seen

you happier. You have a career.

I'm a gimmick, not an actor.

We've been over this a million times.

Forget it.

And for the record,

I'm perfectly happy with how I am.

No, you're not.

You're in love with May.

Only you two

don't stand a chance...

...until you can learn to stand

on your own two feet.

You know, if that's how she feels,

then, you know, the hell with her.

No, no, this isn't

how she feels, Bob.

This is about how you feel.

You're the one who couldn't

tell her the truth.

- No, okay--

- And let me finish.

Just think about this.

Imagine playing a round

of golf alone.

Slow dancing with a woman

without me breathing down your neck.

Masturbating in private the way

the good Lord intended.

What are you talking about?

Come on, last night was like

sleeping next to a paint shaker.

It is-- It's not that simple. I mean...

- Look, I always wanted--

- I want that operation.

- I won't do it.

- Yeah, you'll do it.

- No, I won't do it.

- You'll do it.

I'm not gonna give my consent.

That is final.

You will do it. Barkeep, can

I get a shot and a Bud over here?

Oh, very mature.

It's not even noon.

- May l?

- Sure.

- Thank you. All right.

- Oh, terrific.

We'll do it your way.

But I'll tell you what.

You better sit back,

take your foot off the brake...

...fasten your seat belt.

Thank you.

- We're gonna go for a hell of a ride.

- Come on!

That's unfair. I'm gonna be

the one dealing with that tomorrow.

Yes! You are correct!

Bob, Peachie's working

her way through med school.

You gotta admire that!

This is crazy.

I should be driving.

Yeah. All right, Walt.

Good news, milady.

Thou noble prince hath arrived--

She's got a mace!

Sorry!

My cornea!

Pretty sure I had

some Visine in here.

Can you identify the man

that stole your purse, ma'am?

I think it's the Siamese twins

in the middle, but I can't be certain.

Pisses me off when you

celebrities get off so easy.

I'm getting off?

I can't pin anything on you

so we gotta let you go.

- Oh, great.

- Thank you, kind sir.

You're spending the night with us.

You've been charged with a DUl.

What?

I didn't even drink anything.

Well, hotshot blew a.20. Divide that

by two and you're both legally drunk.

- And since you were driving, let's go.

- Oh, no, come on, that's just silly.

Lock down!

Good. Sure you don't

want a bite?

I'm fine.

Roast beef.

- End cut.

- I don't want any.

Hey, Hollywood.

How's it feel to be a free man?

You must feel pretty good.

Being able to come and go

as you please.

Seriously, Walt. Visiting hours are

over in 10 minutes. Let's wrap it up.

Gorgeous day.

You know what? That's it.

I'm not going another step

until you apologize to me.

Hey, did you hear me?

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