Sugar and Spice Page #11

---

LUCY (CONT'D)

Uh, in summation, no part of "Heat" is

really applicable to a grocery store

bank branch robbery.

JACK (O.S.)

What the heck is going on here?

All turn to see Jack, followed by football players and the

Video Barn Geeks.

DIANE:

Uh, Jack - look, I can explain...

JACK:

Diane, there's no excuse for not taking

your pre-natal vitamins. Now, if you

guys were really friends, you'd remind

her to take these.

He smiles, gives Diane her vitamins and kisses her head

before exiting to the "jock table."

TED:

Uh, Cleo...would you just say my name?

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. GYNECOLOGIST'S OFFICE - WAITING ROOM - LATE AFTERNOON

The squad, in uniform, sits along the wall. Pregnant COUPLES

fill the rest of the room.

HANNAH:

...so, while it's a laugh riot for the

whole family, and Tim Conway is just

about as funny as they come, especially

when he goes...

KANSAS:

Wait a minute. You watched the Apple

f***ing-Dumpling Gang?!

HANNAH:

I'm only allowed "G" movies.

KANSAS:

(losing it)

Am I the only one who cares about this?

At least I watched "Dog Day Afternoon!"

HUSBAND:

Excuse me, could you please keep your

voice down? We're not introducing anger

into the womb.

KANSAS:

(snapping back)

Well how'd you like me to introduce my

foot into your ass?

DIANE:

Kansas!

KANSAS:

(lowering her voice)

I'm sorry, Diane, but I'm not gonna

watch my dreams fade away 'cause the

Virgin Mary here thinks she's gonna get

ideas from kiddie movies --

HANNAH:

Those of us who have parents, know that

they have rules because they care!

All fall silent - she went too far. Kansas stands.

KANSAS:

You sure you wanna go there?

HANNAH:

(nervously standing)

Uh...maybe?

KANSAS:

'Cause I will Jerry Springer you faster

than you can say "Fat-assed lesbian!"

Kansas and Hannah go at it - the GIRL FIGHT is on. Diane,

Cleo and Lucy try to pull them apart, AD-LIBBING "Stop!" and

"Knock it off!" A NURSE enters from the other side of the

room.

NURSE:

Diane Weston?

Diane pushes her way through the fight, forcing a smile.

INT. EXAM ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

A disheveled squad enters to find Diane on the exam table,

crying. Her sweater is pulled up, pregnant belly exposed.

An ULTRASOUND MACHINE and MONITOR is on beside her.

CLEO:

Di, we're sorry. We...

DIANE:

It's off... I can't take the fighting,

the back-stabbing, the open hostility.

We're not acting like cheerleaders,

we're acting like a bunch of sorority

girls!

The squad rushes to a sobbing Diane, embarrassed by their

behavior and what it's done to Diane.

DIANE (CONT'D)

(through tears)

It's all my fault. I'm sorry I ever

started this...

KANSAS:

Di, it's not your fault. We all wanted

to do this - for you... for ourselves.

Squad AD-LIBS agreement. Cleo picks up the ULTRA-SOUND HAND

PIECE beside Diane and starts fiddling with it.

HANNAH:

Look, maybe I can watch a PG movie...

I'll just say I'm counting dirty words

for Sunday School.

DIANE:

That's okay, Hannah. It was silly to

think we could learn to rob a bank from

watching movies. Sex - you can learn

from movies. But robberies? There's no

way.

Cleo sets the HAND-PIECE on Diane's belly. The squad stares

in wide-eyed wonder at the monitor - for the first time they

see Diane's baby. Diane doesn't notice.

DIANE (CONT'D)

Besides, TV-LAND had a "Little House On

The Prairie" marathon and the Ingalls

made baby Carrie's bed in a dresser

drawer. I guess I can just do that...

Diane sees the squad staring and turns to the monitor.

DIANE (CONT'D)

Oh my G-d...

She SEES HER BABY MOVING and GENTLY TOUCHES her belly with

both hands. It's all very real. Suddenly, the BABY SHIRTS

FORWARD and we see a SECOND BABY'S HEAD.

CLEO:

Ahh! Baby's got two heads!!!

LUCY:

It's twins!!

DIANE:

Oh, thank G-d! I'm not just super fat!

KANSAS:

(building)

Oh - okay, we ain't done with this...

Those babies are gonna get a good start

in life - with a real crib - one that

costs a sh*t-load! We're gonna learn

how to rob a bank from the only people

who really know how to do it -

criminals! I'm gonna visit my mom!

Squad can't believe what she just said.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. OKLAHOMA WOMEN'S PRISON - VISITING ROOM - DAY

CLOSE ON:

Mrs. Hill, a tough looking woman who smokes like a chimney.

MRS. HILL

You don't look nothing like your

pictures. What happened to the curly

red hair?

ANGLE ON:

Kansas.

KANSAS:

Grandma and Grandpa sent you pictures of

a neighbor girl. They didn't want you

to break out and come kidnap me.

MRS. HILL

Thank G-d. I was starting to think I'd

killed the wrong man.

There's an awkward silence as the reality of this hits

Kansas. Her mom lights up a cigarette.

KANSAS:

You shouldn't smoke so many of those.

MRS. HILL

I know, but it keeps down the size of my

can.

KANSAS:

They could kill you.

MRS. HILL

So could half the women in here. And

I'd rather go out with a nice can... So

watcha here for? To say how much you

hate me or how much your grandparents

hate me...

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes