Sugar and Spice Page #12

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KANSAS:

I don't hate you. I need your help.

MRS. HILL

My what?

KANSAS:

Your help.

MRS. HILL

Now how the hell can I help you?

KANSAS:

(sitting close)

Okay, you can't tell anybody.

MRS. HILL

Gee, I'll sit out this afternoon's

coffee talk. Whaddya want?

KANSAS:

My best friend got pregnant.

MRS. HILL

Before you? Whoo-hoo!

They high-five through the glass.

KANSAS:

I know - that's what I said too.

Anyway, we want to help her get some

money for the baby by robbing a bank.

MRS. HILL

Well, sh*t-fire, Kansas, that's the

sweetest goddamn thing ever...

KANSAS:

I know, but we can't quite figure out

how to, y'know, do it.

MRS. HILL

(near tears)

So you need my help? Oh my G-d, this is

like asking me for help with your

homework.

(calling behind her)

Hey, Mink, c'mere!

MINK, a tough-looking woman with short spiky hair joins her.

MRS. HILL (CONT'D)

Kansas, I want you to meet someone

special.

KANSAS:

Oh, Jesus Christ, Mom! Like my life

ain't a great big pile-of-sh*t 'cause

you're in here? Now I have to add,

"P.S. My mom's a dyke" too?

MRS. HILL

What?! Hush up, you mouthy little sh*t!

KANSAS:

Hey, don't "mouthy sh*t" me - I'm outta

here.

MRS. HILL

Wait, Petunia. Mommy's a little amped

up - didn't get her yard time this

morning. Mink ain't my b*tch. She's a

specialist... in banks.

INT. OKLAHOMA WOMEN'S PRISON - WAITING ROOM - DAY

The rest of the squad, in uniform, waits in folding chairs.

A LARGE INMATE stares at them, while slowly mopping the

floor. All but Diane appear nervous. The inmate works her

mop BETWEEN DIANE'S LEGS and stops.

INMATE #1

Thems some sweet skirts y'got there.

DIANE:

Well, thank you. They're actually

uniforms - we're cheerleaders.

INMATE #1

Mmm-hmm... y'sure are.

As she moves in closer, Kansas is let through a metal door.

All jump up. Diane steps politely over the mop handle that's

pressed between her legs.

DIANE:

Excuse us.

The squad joins Kansas as they all hustle out the hallway.

KANSAS:

Same time tomorrow - we have a visit

with our favorite "aunts."

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. OKLAHOMA WOMEN'S PRISON - VISITING ROOM - DAY

PAN DOWN the visitors' row. TOUGH MEN sit across from even

TOUGHER FEMALE INMATES. CONTINUE DOWN to the SQUAD, sweet

and small in comparison - each sitting across from a

DIFFERENT INMATE. Mrs. Hill walks behind the inmates,

supervising.

ON KANSAS AND MINK

MINK:

Robbin' a bank is like pullin' a trick.

You gotta stay in control, know how far

you'll go for the dough and always put

the rubber on yourself... Well, y'know

what I mean. And you gotta do it the

day after Christmas.

KANSAS:

Why?

MINK:

Banks never have a holiday pick up, so

vaults are full. Besides, everyone's at

home eatin' left-overs and beatin' their

kids.

ON DIANE AND HER INMATE

INMATE #1

...You're only seventeen? Sh*t, I was

havin' my third by th'time I's your age.

ON CLEO AND HER INMATE #4

CLEO:

Really? You were cell mates with her?

Oh my G-d, she was my hero! Did she

tell you what Letterman's house was

like?

ON LUCY AND HER INMATE

INMATE #2

Y'gotta buy gats from "The Terminator."

And tell him "Itchy" sent'ya.

LUCY:

And "gats" are...

INMATE #2

Guns, cuties.

LUCY:

And you're called "Itchy" because...

ON HANNAH AND HER INMATE

INMATE #3

You listen to Carol, pussycat, a foot on

both sides-a-your bathtub nozzle - make

your ride with the sisters seem like

nothin' more-n-a piss shiver.

Hannah frantically writes down.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. APARTMENT - BEDROOM - THAT NIGHT

Jack is on his side of the bed, rubbing cream on Diane's

exposed belly as he sings to it. Diane is writing on her

"From the Beautiful Mind..." NOT PAD, which rests above her

big belly.

JACK:

(talking to Diane's belly)

...so although their dad said, "Don't

get out of the car until I get back with

help," they knew the sheriff's voice as

he yelled. "Run to my voice - and don't

look back." The twins did as he said,

but at the last second they turned

around and saw the escaped mental

patient, bouncing their father's head on

the top of the car!

(feels something)

Ah! They jumped, Diane! They jumped!

DIANE:

That was gas, Sweetie.

JACK:

Oh... What are you working on?

DIANE:

Jus some girlie things for the squad.

MUSIC UP:

INT. APARTMENT - DAY

"TO DO LIST" MONTAGE

CLOSE ON:

Notepad. "From The Beautiful Mind of Diane" PAN DOWN to

first item listed:

1) Buy ski masks and maternity underpants.

As it's crossed off, we:

DISSOLVE THROUGH LIST TO:

INT. SEARS - MATERNITY DEPARTMENT - DAY

Diane watches as the squad MODELS BIG WHITE MATERNITY

UNDERPANTS over their Addidas sweats, with pillows and

stuffed animals in the belly portion. It's like some bizarre

fashion show. A STERN OLD SALESWOMAN approaches. Diane

points to Cleo's style, then hands the surprised saleswoman

FIVE SKI MASKS.

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