Sugar and Spice Page #13

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DISSOLVE TO:

INT. APARTMENT - DAY

THE LIST as

2) Buy gats from "The Terminator" is crossed off.

EXT. "THE TERMINATOR" EXTERMINATOR SHOP - DAY

Squad stands FROZEN looking up at this cinder block shack. A

bad, HAND-PAINTED SIGN on top has ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

STANDING ON A COCKROACH.

END MUSIC:

KANSAS:

Whoever gets out alive -- have the

authorities to check in the crawl space.

Diane walks to the counter and rings the bell.

DIANE:

Kansas, you should never judge a book by

its cover.

HANK WOOD ENTERS (greasy hair, dirty coveralls, big rubber

gloves). He's a chain-smoker and reeks of insecticide. The

squad reacts.

HANK:

Yeah?

DIANE:

(sotto)

I guess there's an exception to every

rule.

KANSAS:

You're the "Terminator?"

HANK:

You come in here to bust my balls? I

kill bugs for a livin'. G-d already

beat ya to it.

He turns to exit.

DIANE:

NO! Wait...um...

(nervous, but smiling)

We're the A-squad from Lincoln High?

So, uh...

KANSAS:

We were told you could "fix us up."

HANK:

(eyeing suspiciously)

Really...

LUCY:

Yeah. "Itchy" sent us.

HANK:

She did, did she? How is the old girl?

LUCY:

Definitely old.

HANK:

(warming)

That's Itchy, alright. How many y'need?

DIANE:

Well, we'll each probably want one - so

let's make it five. Five should do it.

HANK:

Okay. How much ammo you reckon you'll

need?

DIANE:

Ammo?

HANK:

Bullets.

DIANE:

Bullets? No bullets! Oh my gosh, these

are just to scare people.

Kinda like round-off, back handspring,

whip back, double full. You never

really use it - you just want the

opposing squad to know you've got it.

HANK:

Right.

(beat)

That'll be fifteen hundred - cash.

Squad REACTS!

CLEO:

What?!

KANSAS:

You piece-a-sh*t bug zapper!

DIANE:

Hey, hey, hey. C'mon you guys.

(to Hank)

Obviously that's a little more than our

budget will allow. Basically, we're

looking for something around two-hundred

dollars.

HANK:

Oh, why didn't you say. For two-hundred

I got a nice rubber band and a real

sharp nail in back... I'll gift wrap it

for you. The deal is fifteen hundred.

Cash. Take it or leave it.

HANNAH:

What kind of deal would you make if I

said we were going to the police and

tell them you're selling illegal guns...

to minors! To girl minors!

HANK:

(big toothless grin)

I'd just hafta kiiiiiill you.

DIANE:

Well, okay then. It was a pleasure

meeting you. Take care, let's go you

guys.

Squad quickly exits.

HANK:

Hold on!

They stop, still facing the door.

LUCY:

Oh please, we've all got bright futures

ahead of us - we're not going to tell

anyone. Promise!

HANK:

Maybe we can make a deal.

KANSAS:

Look, we're not gonna trade sex for

guns. Unless Cleo...

Cleo hits her.

HANK:

My daughter's always dreamed of bein' a

cheerleader. Put her on your squad and

I'll give you the guns.

DIANE:

You're kidding.

HANK:

Fern! C'mere!

(to squad)

She's siphoning tanks - takes a sec to

cap off the cyanide hose.

FERN, all of 85 pounds wet, ENTERS wearing BIG GOGGLES, BIG

RUBBER GLOVES, BOOTS and a BREATHER which she removes and

gasps for air.

DIANE:

We'll be right back.

EXT. "THE TERMINATOR" EXTERMINATOR SHOP - DAY

The squad runs out and gets into Hannah's STATION WAGON.

KANSAS (O.S.)

Holy sh*t! That's a poster child for

"Planned Parenthood."

INT. LAMAZE CLASSROOM - NIGHT

CLOSE ON:

Slide of VAGINA.

INSTRUCTOR (O.S.)

The vagina, forming the lower portion of

the birth canal, will normally expand

its folded walls to allow for the birth

process...

Suddenly Diane and the squad walk across the screen.

DIANE:

Sorry, we had our first basketball game -

went into overtime... Excuse us. Sorry.

PULL BACK TO REVEAL:

Pregnant WOMEN on the floor, resting on pillows - husbands

kneeling beside them. CONTINUE TO PULL BACK with the squad

as they make their way to the back row.

INSTRUCTOR:

(annoyed)

May I continue, ladies?

KANSAS:

Sure. Unless it's hard for you to talk

with that stick up your ass.

A few couples LAUGH. Pissed, the instructor continues in the

B.G. Room starts LAMAZE BREATHING. Diane joins in.

CLEO:

Is Jack upset that he can't be here?

DIANE:

(La Maze breathing)

Hee-hee-haaaa-weee worked it out. Heee

hee-haaa....

SMASH CUT TO:

INT. VIDEO BARN - CONTINUOUS

CLOSE ON:

Jack, kneeling on the floor. Behind him a MONITOR plays a La

Maze instruction video.

JACK:

(La Maze breathing)

Hee-hee-heee-haaaaa, hee-hee-hee-haaaa,

doin' good, Sweetie...

(looking down)

Hey-hey, let's remember our focal point!

Jack raises a STUFFED ANIMAL by his face. PULL BACK TO

REVEAL one of the social retards, CHRIS, playing the role of

Diane - head on a pillow beside Jack, La Maze breathing.

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