Sugar and Spice Page #18

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DIANE:

Oh my G-d! A real crib! You guys -

thank you! Can you believe we did it!?

(reality hits)

I mean, we did it. We REALLY DID IT!

Squad CHEERS and starts to throw money around again.

LISA (V.O.)

I guess no one could've predicted the

sh*t-storm that was about to hit. The

only thing people cared about, thought

about or talked about was the robbery.

Everyone had a theory.

EXT. SAFEWAY - SAME DAY

NEWS CAMERA POV:

Safeway Cashier talks into an "Action News '98" mic.

SAFEWAY CASHIER:

...well, judging by the way the robbers

practically flew up to spray paint

security cameras, I think it was an

Asian gang. As a people, they tend to

be quite tiny and very acrobatic...

LISA (V.O.)

That's all it took, then the next thing

you know...

SMASH CUT TO:

EXT. "DIM-SUM CHARLIE'S" CHINESE RESTAURANT - NIGHT

S.W.A.T. MEMBERS surround this Americanized Chinese

restaurant - machine guns at the ready. SUDDENLY, a small

frightened Asian man walks out, hands in the air.

LISA (V.O.)

...Dim-Sum Charlie's being hauled in for

questioning...

INT. SAFEWAY - BANK BRANCH - NEXT DAY

NEWS CAMERA POV:

BANK BRANCH WORKER talks into a "Channel 5" mic.

BANK BRANCH WORKER

I think it was five pregnant women, mmm

hmmm. My wife and I have two babies of

our own and there's no accounting for

the things they'll do when they're in

that "condition." One night my wife

came home from work and she just kicked

me in the balls. To this day, I don't

know what came over her - just kicked me

in the balls.

INT. LA MAZE CLASSROOM - NIGHT

A POLICE OFFICER stands beside a POLICE SKETCH of a PREGNANT

BETTY.

LISA (V.O.)

From there, the town just seemed to go

ape-sh*t...

PREGNANT WOMEN YELL and point at ANOTHER PREGNANT WOMAN

they've cornered. UNFORTUNATELY she looks just like a WENDY

DOLL.

Her husband tries unsuccessfully to prevent TWO OFFICERS from

taking her away. The squad sits quietly - horrified by this

witch hunt.

EXT. FACTORY - DAY

NEWS CAMERA POV:

Factory Worker talks into an "ABC" mic.

LISA (V.O.)

News of this didn't stop at the border

of Lincoln County. This thing spread

faster than a canker sore on the girls'

swim team. Someone in Lincoln would say

something like...

FACTORY WORKER:

It was a bunch of faggots! Sure-as

(BEEP). They was dressed like a bunch

of freakin' Wendy Dolls, for chrissakes.

They had faggoty little voices.

(removing charred cap)

And only a buncha G-d-(BEEP) queer'd

shoot up a union cap!

LISA (V.O.)

All of a sudden...

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. JERRY SPRINGER SET - DAY

JERRY SPRINGER talks INTO CAMERA from the audience.

LISA (V.O.)

It's on Jerry-f***in'-Springer!

JERRY SPRINGER:

...today, we'll meet a growing number of

transvestites who don't just like to

dress up as women, they like to dress as

pregnant women. When we return,

"Transvestites with a Twist."

ON STAGE:

TWO TOUGH-LOOKING MEN, dressed as pregnant women, stare out

at the audience.

LISA (V.O.)

(alternate line)

I'm not talking "Maury" or "Leeza."

This thing was definitely huge!

EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREETS - DAY

A POLICE CAR with TWO OFFICERS cruises a neighborhood street.

They pass DONUTS back and forth to each other. Through their

windscreen, we see TWO SMALL CHILDREN WEARING WENDY MASKS

playing "cops and robbers."

ROBIN QUIVERS (V.O.)

In other news...oh, did you hear about

the six-armed Betty Dolls that robbed a

bank the other day?

HOWARD STERN (V.O.)

Oh man, that's so my fantasy - life size

Bettys tellin' me what to do. "Get down

on the ground, you filthy man." Yes,

Giant Betty. "Bend over!" Yes,

Mistress Betty.

ROBIN QUIVERS (V.O.)

They were pregnant.

HOWARD STERN (V.O.)

What?! Knocked-up Bettys?! Couldn't-a

been Ken, his schlong is molded to his

body. Hey, at the police line-up, they

should just see whose knees can bend the

wrong way...

INT. "ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT" SET - DAY

BOB GOEN sits at the anchor desk.

BOB GOEN:

...when we come back, a behind the

scenes look at Fox's week long series,

"When Bettys Attack."

TV STATIC DISSOLVE TO:

INT. ESPN SET - NIGHT

DAN PATRICK sits behind the desk.

DAN PATRICK:

Tonight in St. Louis, bottom of the

ninth...

GAME FOOTAGE OF THE FOLLOWING:

DAN PATRICK (V.O.) (CONT'D)

Ramirez with the pitch... McGwire

gone...

FOLLOW BALL...

DAN PATRICK (V.O.) (CONT'D)

McGwire goes yard for the forty-second

time this season...

ANGLE ON STANDS:

FANS, dressed as PREGNANT BETTYS (masks, jackets, etc.),

reach up for the ball. One catches it, holds it up and waves

to the crowd.

DAN PATRICK (V.O.) (CONT'D)

...right into a waiting pack of pregnant

Bettys.

INT. ESPN SET - CONTINUOUS

DAN PATRICK:

Did I say that right? A "pack" of

Bettys? It might be a "gaggle" of

Bettys...

TV STATIC DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. "SOUTH PARK" - ANIMATION FOOTAGE

ESTABLISHING SHOT OF TOWN

SFX:
A KID PARTY

INT. KENNY'S BASEMENT - DAY

A COSTUME PARTY is in full "swing." Guys (not in costume) on

one side, girls (in costume) on the other.

KENNY:

(mumbled, pointing O.C.)

What the hell?!

The GROUP OF GUYS TURN to see CARTMAN, dressed as a PREGNANT

BETTY - machine gun in hand, approaching.

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