Sugar and Spice Page #19

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KYLE:

What the hell are you s'posed to be?

CARTMAN:

I'm a bank-robbin' Betty.

STAN:

You're not a bank-robbin' Betty - you're

a fat f*** in drag...

CARTMAN:

I am not a fat f*** in drag!!!

Cartman opens fire, KILLING KENNY.

TV STATIC DISSOLVE TO:

INT. "LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN" SET - NIGHT

Conan and Andy sit at a desk. Conan talks to camera.

LISA (V.O.)

Then it happened - the moment I'd been

waiting for! Our dip-shits in blue

finally followed up on my evidence...

CONAN:

...they now believe a group of young

women are responsible for the Betty Bank

Robbery.

(to Andy)

I've said for years the Betty Doll was a

bad influence on young girls.

ANDY:

You sure have...can't shut you up about

your Bettys.

CONAN:

(laughing)

That's right. Now, I mean I'm no

authority on young girls.

(mugging to camera)

Or am I?

(to Andy, laughing)

That was kinda creepy.

ANDY:

Do you have to notify police if you

move?

SPLIT-SCREEN

INT. DIANE'S BEDROOM - DAY

with

INT. KANSAS' BEDROOM - DAY

ON LEFT:

Diane on phone with:

ON RIGHT:

Kansas on the phone.

KANSAS:

It was Lucy! Lucy went to the cops!

DIANE:

Remember, Kansas, every time you point a

finger you've got three more pointing

back at you.

KANSAS:

She's been the weak tit on this mama cat

since the beginning.

SFX:
CALL WAITING BEEP

KANSAS (CONT'D)

That you?

DIANE:

Yeah, hold on.

KANSAS:

Just call me later. I gotta get some

smokes for Grandma.

DIANE:

Don't use big bills!

KANSAS:

For a pack of cigs? I use her food

stamps.

Diane presses her receiver and SLIDES SCREEN RIGHT (PUSHING

KANSAS OFF) as Hannah, on the phone, FILLS IN ON THE LEFT.

SPLIT SCREEN:

INT. DIANE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

with

INT. HANNAH'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

DIANE:

Hello?

HANNAH:

(freaking out)

We're dead! They showed this prison

movie to my youth group on Sunday.

DIANE:

Hannah, we've...

HANNAH:

It wasn't like the prison we saw - all

these women had to shave their heads

because they got lice from the filthy

lives they'd lived! Oh G-d, I'm gonna

be someone's bald b*tch!

SFX:
CALL WAITING BEEP

DIANE:

Ooops, hold on a sec.

Hannah continues to rant as Diane PRESSES her receiver and

SLIDES SCREEN LEFT (PUSHING the ranting Hannah OFF) as Lucy,

on phone, SLIDES ON, SCREEN RIGHT.

SPLIT SCREEN:

INT. DIANE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

with

INT. LUCY'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

LUCY:

Di, it's Luce. Kansas just called and

said she's going to "f*** me up!" Then

I heard coughing, a thud and Kansas had

to go. I think her Grandma had another

heart attack. Anyway, why does she want

to "f*** me up?"

DIANE:

She thinks you went to the police.

LUCY:

WHAT?! That's insane!!! Why would I go

to the police?

SFX:
CALL WAITING BEEP

DIANE:

I've got to get that. Relax. I'll see

you tomorrow.

SPLIT SCREEN:

INT. DIANE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

with

INT. HANNAH'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

An exasperated Diane presses her receiver again and SLIDES

SCREEN RIGHT, PUSHING LUCY OUT as Hannah - STILL RANTING -

COMES BACK IN SCREEN LEFT.

HANNAH:

...my Sunday School teacher says that in

prison, women shove broom sticks up

your...

DIANE:

Hold on...

Diane presses her receiver again and SLIDES SCREEN LEFT,

PUSHING HANNAH OUT, DIM SUM CHARLIE, on prison phone - SLIDES

ON, SCREEN RIGHT.

SPLIT SCREEN:

INT. DIANE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

with

INT. JAIL PAY PHONE - CONTINUOUS

DIANE:

Yeah?

DIM SUM CHARLIE:

(screaming in Chinese)

Oh thank Buddha it's you, Kim-Lo, I'm

being held against my will, my civil

rights have been violated and it took

four days to make this one phone call...

DIANE:

Hello?

DIM SUM CHARLIE:

Kim-Lo?

DIANE:

No. This is Diane. I think you have

the wrong number.

SFX:
CALL WAITING BEEP

DIANE (CONT'D)

Ooops, that's me -- gotta run!

DIM SUM CHARLIE:

(about to kill himself)

Wrong number Nooooooo!

Diane presses her receiver again and SLIDES SCREEN RIGHT,

PUSHING DIM SUM CHARLIE OFF, as Cleo, on phone, SLIDES ON,

SCREEN LEFT.

SPLIT SCREEN:

INT. DIANE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

with

INT. CLEO'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

DIANE:

Hello?

CLEO:

Di? I just called to say that Conan

talked about us again last night.

DIANE:

(first smile in a while)

Thanks, Cleo. See you tomorrow.

CLEO:

Bye.

Diane and Cleo hang up. SPLIT SCREEN DROPS DOWN. Hannah,

still ranting, DROPS IN - FULL FRAME.

INT. HANNAH'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

HANNAH:

...and a "b*tch slap." I bet that

really hurts!

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. APARTMENT - BATHROOM - DAY

CLOSE ON:

Foggy mirror. A HAND WIPES IT CLEAR, revealing Diane (SAME

AS OPENING).

DIANE:

(still perky)

Morning, sunshine.

Remember, except for the morning

sickness, blinding back pain and

embarrassingly unpredictable gas - these

are the best days of your life.

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