Sugar and Spice Page #3

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JACK'S POV

Outside the gym doors.

LISA (V.O.) (CONT'D)

And finally, the football team was

introduced.

PRINCIPAL SMITH (O.S.)

Transferring from Truman High, the new

star quarter back of our mighty Fightin'

Logs!

THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE!

LISA (V.O.)

That's when Jack and Diane met. Nobody

saw it coming...

CAMERA TURNS, PLAYERS head-butt and high-five CAMERA/Jack as

he starts through the door - looking around gym. SLOW MOTION

FREEZE-FRAME as the SPOTLIGHT HITS CAMERA/Jack.

LISA (V.O.) (CONT'D)

Especially not Jack...

SOUND DISTORTS. It's LOUD and CONFUSING. THROUGH IT, we see

the A-squad running and doing back flips toward CAMERA/Jack.

As the squad nears CAMERA/Jack, SUDDENLY Diane's Ked-clad

foot comes INTO FRAME and SMASHES INTO CAMERA/Jack.

DIP TO BLACK:

LISA (V.O.) (CONT'D)

He fell for her hard.

IRIS OPEN. DIANE hovers over CAMERA/Jack, apologizing,

looking angelic. A-squad surrounds her. Suddenly a frantic

mascot breaks through, tips his log head back - IT'S BRUCE

(from try-outs) - mouthing "NOOOOOO!" He pulls CAMERA/Jack

UP.

ANGLE ON:

Mascot/Bruce as he drags his prize quarterback out of the

gym. Jack and Diane's eyes never separate.

LISA (V.O.) (CONT'D)

Jack was fine - oh man, was he fine. It

was like he was a bar of chocolate and

the whole school was on the rag -

everyone wanted a piece of him...

CLOSE ON:

Diane's mouth.

DIANE:

Jack Bartlett... Jack Bart-lett... Jack

Bar-t-lett.

She continues as we PULL BACK to REVEAL we're:

INT. DIANE'S BATHROOM - THAT NIGHT

It's an early 80's dream. The squad sits on their sleeping

bags, in a circle, on the floor. They're painting nails,

giving henna tattoos, streaking hair, etc. Hannah has a

OUIJA BOARD in front of her, hands resting on the "MESSAGE

INDICATOR." Diane has her eyes closed.

DIANE:

... Ja-ck B-ar-t-le-tt... Is Jack

Bartlett interested in me?

HANNAH:

(nervous)

I-I'm sorry - can someone else please

run the Ouija board? It's creepy, it's

wrong and it goes against the teachings

of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

KANSAS:

Hannah, in order to get real answers

from the netherworld, you've gotta have

a Christian virgin run the board. Your

kind is pure of heart - the devil won't

dick with you.

HANNAH:

(looking down)

Well technically, I don't think I'm a

virgin anymore.

Squad REACTS!

HANNAH (CONT'D)

Yeah. This summer at church camp? I'm

pretty sure I had, y'know, an orgasm.

KANSAS:

Hold up, hold up. Any sentence that

starts with "at church camp" ain't

leading to the big "O."

CLEO:

That's not true. Those pictures of

Christ - all sweaty and bare-chested on

the cross - always kinda made me hot.

Squad just stares at her.

KANSAS:

Anyway, last time I checked, you still

had to have sex to have an orgasm. And

I know she ain't seen the lord on all

fours - so I'm just saying.

DIANE:

Well, I want to know what happened --

HANNAH:

Okay, one night, around sunset, I went

horseback riding with the nuns. They

went every night. And, well, we're

trotting pretty hard, y'know? The hard

leather saddle, pounding between my

legs...

CLEO:

I just got a little squishy...

HANNAH:

All of a sudden, I feel... I feel... I

feel just super alive...

(whispering)

"down there." I swear I thought it was

the second coming.

KANSAS:

Nope. Sounds more like the first.

DIANE:

(taking the hand-piece)

I'll just ask the question myself... "Is

Jack Bartlett interested in me?"

As the hand-piece starts to move on the board, we:

INT. JACK'S SPLIT-LEVEL - GARAGE - MORNING

Jack (with a red Ked print on his cheek) stands with THREE

FOOTBALL PLAYERS looking under the hood of his '75 GTO.

They've all got one hand in back pocket, the other wrapped

around a beer.

FOOTBALL PLAYER #1

You do the bondo yourself?

JACK:

Yeah.

FOOTBALL PLAYER #2

Sure-is-sweet.

FOOTBALL PLAYER #1

What'll she do?

JACK:

Never opened her up.

FOOTBALL PLAYER #2

S-weet.

JACK:

Who was the girl who kicked me in the

head yesterday?

FOOTBALL PLAYER #1

Diane Weston.

FOOTBALL PLAYER #2

Now she sure is sweet.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. LINCOLN HIGH - AUDITORIUM - DAY

SIGN hangs above the stage. "HOMECOMING KING AND QUEEN

CANDIDATES." A row of STUDENT CANDIDATES, including Jack,

Diane and Lisa, sit behind a BUTCH GIRL at the podium.

LISA (V.O.)

Look, I'll be honest with you. Most of

us realized we didn't have a whore's

chance in heaven with Jack the day of

candidate speeches.

As the Butch Girl concludes her speech, she holds a sign over

her head which reads, "4-H - A WAY OF LIFE!"

INT. SCHOOL AUDITORIUM - LATER

A GEEKY GUY stands at the podium.

GEEKY GUY:

As the A.V. Club candidate, I think, for

the first time in fifty years, we should

say --

(nervous)

NO to a football player as king!

Two HIGH-PITCHED MALE VOICES cheer O.S.

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