Sugar and Spice Page #5

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Diane LAUGHS. They move in for a hormonally driven kiss.

INT. SPLIT-LEVEL - LIVING ROOM - LATER

All are seated. The women are enjoying pigs-in-a-blanket

while the men suck back screwdrivers.

LISA (V.O.)

I obviously wasn't there the night they

all met, but it was probably a super

goober fest.

DeeDee enthusiastically MOUTHS the following:

LISA (V.O.) (CONT'D)

(mocking DeeDee's voice)

"Your Jack's one heck of a good football

player."

Jack's Dad MOUTHS the following:

LISA (V.O.) (CONT'D)

(mocking Jack's Dad's voice)

"I don't know how he can concentrate

with your lovely Diane cheering on the

sidelines?!"

They all LAUGH.

LISA (V.O.) (CONT'D)

"Ha, ha, ha, ha..." Ucht!

Jack and Diane enter the holding hands. DeeDee goes crazy

FLASHING PHOTOS. All AD-LIB adoration.

JACK:

Hold on a minute. Hold on. I have an

announcement.

Jack puts his arm around Diane - they're beaming.

JACK (CONT'D)

Me and Diane, uh... we decided we're

going to get married.

The parents react with shock, then absolute joy! DeeDee

starts to cry - turning the CAMERA on HERSELF.

DEEDEE:

Oh, oh, mother of the bride - I'm

allowed!

DIANE:

But not before... I have our baby.

All FREEZE - the calm before the sh*t storm. Suddenly,

Jack's Mom throws her head back and lets out a BLOOD CURDLING

SCREAM.

SMASH CUT TO:

JACK AND DIANE'S STUNNED FACES

PULL BACK to REVEAL we're:

INT. JACK'S GTO - MINUTES LATER

DIANE:

... so when your dad said, "I never want

to see your "f-'in' faces again!" do you

think he meant forever or just until

your mom wakes up?

JACK:

I don't know... And what the hell was

that sound she made right before she hit

the coffee table.

DIANE:

Well, if I had to guess...

(convincing self)

I'd say that was the sound of a mother

saying good-bye to her little boy and

hello to a young man who's going to be a

daddy of his own...

(getting an idea, cradling his

face)

Jack, do you know what I see here?

JACK:

Spit from your dad?

DIANE:

(wiping his hair)

I see a flower. And y'know, even the

most beautiful flowers still grow from

dirt.

JACK:

Yeah.

DIANE:

So, while we're knee deep in right now -

and things seem pretty "stinky" - in the

long run, we're going to grow strong

from this.

JACK:

Y'think?

DIANE:

I sure do.

BEAT.

JACK:

(trust and love in his eyes)

Diane, I've loved you ever since I first

saw you -- right before you kicked me in

the head.

DIANE:

(touched)

Oh, Jack...

As they move in for a kiss, we:

WIPE TO:

A SEA OF BALLOONS FLOATING UP THROUGH FRAME. LOUD MUSIC UP.

INT. LINCOLN HIGH - GYMNASIUM - LATER

Jack and Diane are on stage, wearing crowns and large velvet

robes - they turn and wave! They won! They appear to be

floating on a sea of balloons.

WIPE TO:

A SEA OF BALLOONS FLOATING DOWN THROUGH FRAME.

INT. LINCOLN HIGH - GIRLS' BATHROOM - HOMECOMING NIGHT

FIVE PAIR of LEGS with HIGH HEELS dangle from the STALLS.

(We've seen this shot before.) MUSIC from the dance presses

through the walls. A HAND REACHES UNDER the first stall,

PASSING A BOX OF TAMPONS to the next stall.

LISA (V.O.)

Diane must've told her squad that night.

BOX OF TAMPONS CONTINUES down the line - UNTIL THE LAST

STALL. Diane's hand comes down and pushes the TAMPONS BACK.

DIANE:

(in last stall)

No thanks - don't need one.

FIRST STALL DOOR FILES OPEN, followed by the SECOND, THIRD -

it sticks, Kansas climbs over - and FOURTH! (Cleo exits

fixing her gel breast.) The squad surrounds Diane's stall

door. She finally exits.

DIANE (CONT'D)

(looking at everyone a beat)

So...

Stunned silence.

LISA (V.O.)

I'm sure they were thrilled. I mean, if

Diane said jump, they'd say "Double

Dutch," "Shoot the Moon," or "Split

Russian?"

Suddenly, everyone starts talking at once.

CLEO:

Holy sh*t.

LUCY:

You just became a statistic!

KANSAS:

(suddenly happy)

Oh my G-d! I'm not first!

HANNAH:

But you're not married.

CLEO:

Wait! Did you say you are pregnant or

you were pregnant... You had it, threw

it out and you're gonna go back and

dance all night!

KANSAS:

Shut up, Cleo. Di, how much do you need

for an abortion?

HANNAH:

(suddenly freaked)

What?! No! Not an abortion! My church

can arrange for you to go to Oregon and

take care of a "sick aunt" for nine

months. Then they put your baby good

home and you come back - a little dazed

and puffy - but everything's fine! Oh

please, Di, don't be a whore and a

murderer!

All FREEZE - no one can believe she just said that.

LISA (V.O.)

Jack told the team that night, too.

CUT TO:

INT. LINCOLN HIGH - GUYS' BATHROOM - HOMECOMING NIGHT

Jack and a bunch of FOOTBALL PLAYERS in tuxes stand at the

urinals, BACKS TO CAMERA.

JACK:

Hey, guys? Uh, I got Diane pregnant.

FOOTBALL PLAYER #1

What?! Well - all right!

He HIGH-FIVES Jack with his free hand.

FOOTBALL PLAYER #2

You nailed Diane Weston? I'd never wash

my Johnson again!

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