Sugar and Spice Page #8

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INT. APARTMENT - BEDROOM - NIGHT

CLOSE ON:

Diane's belly. Jack's HAND comes into frame, tracing it

against the wall. PULL BACK as DIANE steps away. We SEE TWO

LINES labelled, "AUGUST" and "SEPTEMBER" on the wall. They

smile and kiss.

INT. LINCOLN HIGH - HALLWAY - DAY

SLOW MOTION:

The squad, in uniform, walks toward camera in a line across

the hall - looking cool as hell.

ANGLE BEHIND:

Squad walks away. An ADDITIONAL PIECE OF FABRIC has been

added to the back of Diane's skirt.

INT. APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - DAY

Jack and Diane open the front door. The BUILDING MANAGER

pushes in a big screen TV. MUSIC UNDER.

BUILDING MANAGER

I need a place to keep this. Anyone

asks, what d'ya know? You don't know

sh*t.

SCHOOL BAND MUSIC UP. Jack and Diane hug each other, they

have a TV!

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - NIGHT

Jack hikes the ball, steps back to throw, but trips on his

shoe laces.

ON THE CROWD:

All are silent. A HECKLER STANDS.

HECKLER:

Hey, Bartlett, pick up your skirt when

you run!

ON THE SQUAD:

Watching from the field. Diane turns to the crowd. Jack's

heckler must die!

KANSAS:

(yelling to heckler)

Run, you bastard, run! She's hormonal!!

Diane's off, SCALING THE BLEACHERS.

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - AFTER GAME - NIGHT

FANS ARE GONE. A beat-up Jack, helmet under arm, walks with

his arms around Diane, who's icing her fist. He smiles and

kisses her hand.

INT. APARTMENT - BEDROOM - NIGHT

CLOSE ON:

Diane's belly. Jack's hand comes into frame, tracing it.

PULL BACK:

as Diane steps away. We see THREE LINES: "August",

"September" and "October" already written on the wall. They

smile and kiss.

INT. MALL - VIDEO BARN - DAY

CLOSE ON:

Jack and the social retards.

JACK:

...she's in my hands, right? Moist to

the touch. It's at that moment I think

I control her - she's mine. But it's a

false illusion, like in "Backdraft." No

man controls fire! She's ready, I'm

ready, she's ready, I yell, "One-fifty

four, forty eight."

PULL BACK:

to reveal he's holding a football.

JACK (CONT'D)

Hike!

The social retards are orgasmic over his story.

INT. SAFEWAY - BANK BRANCH - DAY

MUZAK UP. Diane, at the service window, smiles as she helps

a CUSTOMER, then drops her pen behind the counter, mouthing

"Ooops, one moment." She bends down.

BEHIND THE COUNTER

Diane voraciously rips the top off a SNICKERS and shoves it

into a jar of HAAGENDAAZ. She takes a huge bite, then pops

up, SMILING - MOUTH FULL.

INT. MALL BOOK STORE - PARENTING SECTION - DAY

Squad is looking over different pregnancy books. Cleo reads

from a TEEN LOOKING MAGAZINE.

CLEO:

I can't believe they have the "Top Ten

Alternatives to Sex for You and Your

Boyfriend" and "watching each other

masturbate" isn't even listed!

All stare at her a beat.

LUCY:

(off pregnancy book)

Diane, it says here you're going to have

mood swings, uncontrollable gas.

KANSAS:

More proof God's a guy...

LUCY:

...and sex dreams where you actually

have an orgasm!

KANSAS:

Virgin Mary musta snuck that one in.

Hannah hits Kansas. MUSIC TURNS TO SLOWER MINOR CHORDS.

INT. LINCOLN HIGH - HALLWAY - DAY

Same SLOW MOTION scene. Squad walks TOWARD CAMERA in line

across the hall - again looking cool as hell.

ANGLE BEHIND:

A larger piece of fabric has been added to the back of

Diane's skirt.

INT. APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Diane (eating Snickers) sits in the bean-bag chair in front

of the BIG SCREEN TV. Jack stands beside it, holding a

video, "ANIMAL BIRTHS." He smiles and puts it in the VCR.

Under OPENING CREDITS a KITTEN IS BEING BORN. Jack is

horrified by it.

INT. MALL - VIDEO BARN - LATE NIGHT

Jack, LOOKING TIRED, is doing homework at the counter with

the social retards. (Store is decorated for Christmas.)

CHRIS:

Jack, c'mon, you promised.

JACK:

(yawning)

Okay, one question.

TED:

(to other social retards)

Oh, me-me-me, mine's great.

CHRIS:

Proceed, Dungeon Master Quan.

Lisa approaches the counter, VIDEO TAPES in hand.

TED:

Okay. Jack, y'know how you and Diane...

slept together?

(looking to tards, pleased with

himself)

Well now that you can't, y'know, (f***)

"sleep together," but you still sleep

together, don't you ever get, like,

just, super horny? If so, how horny?

I'll be quiet now so I can listen to

your answer.

LISA:

(flirting her ass off)

Yeah, Jack - I'd love to hear your

answer.

She sets her videos on the counter, smiling seductively.

Jack starts to run them under the scanner.

JACK:

The answer's easy...

(quickly)

Oh, "Lolita" is due tomorrow - Same for

"9 1/2 Weeks." Ditto on "Wild Things."

(back to question)

I'm gonna be a dad! Dads don't get

horny.

Lisa grabs her tapes and exits.

INT. APARTMENT - BEDROOM - DAY

CLOSE ON:

Diane's belly. Jack's HAND comes into frame, tracing it.

ICE CREAM drips on it.

Jack licks it off as we PULL BACK to see a VERY TIRED Diane

holding a pint of ice cream, using a SNICKERS as a spoon.

FOUR lines labelled "August," "September," "October" and

"November" on the wall. Jack gives Diane a tired peck on the

cheek as she continues to eat.

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - NIGHT

ON CROWD:

As they TURN FLASH CARDS IN UNISON to read: "2-4-6-8 LOGS ARE

ROLLIN' ON THE STATE!"

ON SQUAD:

going nuts! They notice Diane isn't there. She's eating a

vendor's box. They run over to her.

ON JACK:

running for a touchdown - a la his homecoming run. This time

he's exhausted and the competition is gaining.

Everything grinds to a SLO-MO CRAWL as Jack makes a heroic

leap for the touchdown. With his spare hand, he attempts to

smother a huge yawn, as opposing players come flying at him

from both sides.

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