Sugar and Spice Page #9

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SMASH CUT TO:

INT. APARTMENT - BEDROOM - LATER THAT NIGHT

ANGLE ABOVE BED:

Continuation of pervious shot as Jack lands on the bed

completing the touchdown. Diane falls across the frame from

the opposite side. They're asleep by the time they hit the

bed - still in cheerleading and football uniforms. Jack

holds a large STATE TROPHY - Diane holds a half-eaten

Snickers.

END MUSIC:

LISA (V.O.)

Okay, so they won state - b.f.d. The

best part was Diane was really starting

to look like sh*t.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. SAFEWAY BANK BRANCH - DAY

CLOSE ON:

Diane's face - smashed against A SIDE GLASS PANEL as she

SLEEPS. She really does look like sh*t - puffy eyes, no make

up, dark circles, bad hair and drool coming from her mouth.

LUCY (O.S.)

Diane? Diane!

DIANE:

(waking up)

Huh-ha-wha?

(scratching on window)

Ahh! I'm under the ice! I'm uh --

oh...man...

(opening her window)

That was a weird one.

PULL BACK:

To REVEAL the squad stands in front of Diane.

CLEO:

Another sex dream?

DIANE:

Wayne Gretzky.

KANSAS:

Hat-trick?

DIANE:

(exhausted)

He is the Great One...

INT. MALL - VIDEO BARN - LATER

Jack is asleep on his books at the small children's

furniture, set up beside the children's voices. Lisa

approaches.

LISA:

(sweetly)

Jack? Oh Jack...

Ted approaches.

TED:

Can I help you?

LISA:

(loud whisper)

Get your loser ass away from me!

Ted exits. Lisa looks around, then walks over and kicks the

chair out from under Jack's head, sending him crashing to the

floor.

LISA (CONT'D)

Oh my G-d - are you okay?

She immediately kneels beside him, placing his aching head in

her lap - smothering him in her breasts.

JACK:

(groggily reaching up)

Diane?

Lisa stands, dropping him from her lap.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

It's pitch black. We hear a KEY IN THE DOOR. It opens, an

arm comes in and the LIGHT GOES ON. An exhausted Diane and

the squad, carrying things for the sleep-over, enter. LUCY

carries a pizza box. THE PLACE IS A PIT. All but Diane

STOP, IN SHOCK.

LUCY:

Oh my G-d, you've been robbed!

DIANE:

(tired and depressed)

No...I've been pregnant.

CLEO:

Di, are you okay? We can skip the girl

party this week.

DIANE:

(unconvincing)

Everything's fine. I'm just having a

little trouble keeping my frown upside

down.

Diane forces a smile.

HANNAH:

You want us to help you pick up?

DIANE:

(snapping)

Don't Martha-f***ing-Stewart me! If you

don't like it - you try being a pregnant

teen!

Diane YANKS the Safeway bag from Hannah and storms O.S.

KANSAS:

And we have our first pregnancy mood

swing. All that's left is --

Diane FARTS O.C.

KANSAS (CONT'D)

Bingo.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. APARTMENT - LATER

LATER:

Squad sits in a cleared space in front of the BIG TV,

painting nails, reading magazines, etc. Diane eats.

CLEO:

Did you guys hear that in China - or one

a those places that makes the really

cheap silk shoes and kids are super

smart - that as a reward for good

grades, mothers get their kids hookers

to blow 'em?

All stop and look at her.

HANNAH:

No.

CLEO:

Huh. Musta been a dream.

DIANE:

I'm sorry to keep asking this, but are

you guys sure I'm not fat?

Squad looks to each other, nervous, then AD-LIBS "No!"

DIANE (CONT'D)

"No" you're not sure or "No" I'm not

fat?

KANSAS:

Uh, "no"... You're not fat.

DIANE:

You sure I'm not fat?

LUCY:

(can't take it any more)

Look, you're fat, Diane. You're fat,

fat, fat! Because you eat, eat, eat!

(to shocked squad)

What?! She keeps asking because she

wants some honesty.

DIANE:

(breaking down)

No I don't... I keep asking because I

feel fat.

LUCY:

Oh G-d, I'm sorry... You're not really

fat! I was just saying that because,

uh, I thought that's what you wanted me

to say.

DIANE:

You sure?

LUCY:

Positive.

DIANE:

"Positive" you're sure I'm not fat or

"positive" I'm...

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. APARTMENT - LATER THAT NIGHT

Squad is watching "POINT BREAK" on TV: Bank Robbery about to

start. Diane eats Snickers.

LUCY:

Oh my G-d, I read about this! It's

called a "pregnancy insanity." Quick,

she needs a sitz bath --

DIANE:

(putting down her Snickers)

Look, I might be moody. I might be

gassy. But I am perfectly sane. Think

about it. In school, they tell us,

"Dreams can come true." Right?

Squad AD-LIBS agreement - not knowing where this is going.

DIANE (CONT'D)

But they don't tell us how! Well,

thanks to Keanu, I figured it out!

Money makes your dreams come true.

Squad AD-LIBS their concern for her mental health.

DIANE (CONT'D)

(old spirit returning)

Listen, Kansas, I know you dream of

springing your mom some day...

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