Suing the Devil Page #3

has any chance against Satan?

No.

Well said.

Jasmine?

I think the world is pulling

for Luke O'Brien,

and we all hope

that he prevails.

I don't.

Let's go to Mark Engstrom,

who's observing this all the way from...

Tony, you'll like this.

London, England.

Mark?

Barry, everyone in the UK.

Is fascinated by this case.

And the big question on everyone's

mind is whether this really is Satan.

Mark, excuse me a moment,

we're going to go right back now,

as the trial is just

getting back underway.

All rise!

You may be seated.

Court is now in session.

Are you sure you want to

go through with this?

- No.

- This jury was selected by a random...

Yes.

Okay.

Since neither party

chose to settle,

we will go to trial.

And I want a speedy trial,

understood?

You've already turned our court

into a media circus.

Plaintiff, your opening statement.

- Plaintiff!

- Yes, your honor.

Ladies and gentlemen

of the jury,

I feel a little inadequate,

after all...

I am suing the devil himself.

However,

it's very important that you remember

the whole world is at stake here.

And that being over there is the

cause of all the world's suffering.

Your honor, objection!

My client isn't a being,

he's a fallen angel.

Right. Continue, Mr. O'Brien.

I will prove, with a

preponderance of evidence,

that he has caused all the

problems and pain of this world.

And the verdict should be

rendered against him,

for 8 trillion dollars.

Order!

Order!

Order!

Satan! Satan! Satan!

Order!

Order!

Okay, counsel, for the defense,

your opening statement.

The audacity,

the sheer audacity...

to make you poor people

leave your jobs

for this hair brain lawsuit,

- it's unbelievable!

- Objection!

Sustained. Counsel, please

refrain from personal attacks.

I'm sorry, your honor.

Assuming, for argument's sake,

that my client in fact is Satan,

we will prove that this man

is no way responsible

for this man's problems

in society.

And it's a disturbing and

reprehensible thing

for him to sue my client

who's done him no wrong.

I'm done, let the trial begin!

Plaintiff, your first witness.

Pastor Matthews,

- Is Satan real?

- Oh yes, he is.

The Bible taken literally

tells us that.

Satan is mentioned by name

in 47 Bible verses,

- as the devil...

- Objection, your honor.

The Bible is not admissible

as evidence in this courtroom.

Your honor,

the Bible has been the most reliable source

of history than other ever produced.

Let him have it,

it's fiction anyway.

Continue, Pastor.

Come on, be magnanimous.

Let him have it, we're going to win.

Satan, when he was tempting Jesus,

appealed to 3 things.

A lust of the flesh,

the lust of the eyes,

and the boastful

pride of man.

And what is his mission?

He opposes everything

that is good,

and he seeks to destroy

the work of Jesus Christ.

There you have it.

Destroy the work

of Jesus Christ.

I have no further questions,

your honor.

What is this, Pastor?

It's an apple.

And what if I was to tell you

that this was the very apple

that Eve took a bite from

in the garden of Eden?

- Would you believe me?

- No.

- Why?

- Because the apple Eve ate...

would be full of worms by now.

Brilliant deduction.

And so our client over there is guilty

of destroying this man's life because...

Because the scripture says the devil is

a roaring lion seeking who he may devour.

Sounds pretty guilty to me.

And yet this apple is not

from the Garden of Eden.

I understand your question,

of course it's not.

Of course.

No further questions,

your honor.

Wow, already high drama

on the first day of this...

international trial live

from Sydney, Australia.

For those of you joining us

from around the world, welcome.

Tony, comments?

Satan's law is obviously

having a field day here, I mean,

this Luke guy, my heart goes out

to him, he's just out of league,

and if he's not careful they are

going to have him for their lunch.

Jasmine?

What we need to remember here

is that humanity is at stake.

This is clearly good vs. evil.

Jasmine, just lighten it up a bit,

okay?

Satan's the one

being sued, right?

I mean, Satan's the one

being drug by this moron

hithering on and yanked around,

jailed for courts and everything.

Come on now,

have some empathy.

We'll be right back after this.

Your honor, I'd like to call John Door

of Windmile Gas to the stand.

Objection, your honor! What is

relevance of this witness, may I ask?

Think man, think!

Oil company, Satan, evil!

- You're John Door of Windmile Gas?

- Yes, I am.

- Why are the Petro prices so high, sir?

- Are they high?

I hadn't noticed.

You hadn't noticed? What,

is stupid your middle name?

Your honor!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Counsel, will you refrain from

personal attacks, am I clear?

Yes, your honor.

I'm sorry, it slipped out.

Your honor, I want it

noted on the record

that that vicious unwarned

remark was not only unchristian,

but it was vile and wicked.

- So noted.

- Thank you.

Continue.

What you and every

other loser should do

is make more money

and stop complaining.

Why don't you just lower

the price of gas?

Because of money. We have

to make a profit like everyone else.

Your honor, what is the relevance

of this questioning?

Overruled. Continue.

Money, it's a vicious cycle.

Your company raises the price

of oil by a few cents

and then it says it's not

a monopoly.

And then they take out some clever little ad

that says they're a green company

and they're not making

any money.

And this year alone you made

50 billion dollars!

Money and greed,

don't you think?

Objection! Argumentative!

- Compound!

- Ambiguous!

What is the purpose, Mr. O'Brien,

of this questioning?

The purpose? To show

that the love of money

is indeed the root

of all evil.

- Objection again!

- Sustained.

Counsel, will you refrain from personal

attacks, do you understand me?

Yes, your honor, sorry.

Mr. Door, do you believe in God?

No.

Thank you.

Let's take a quick recess.

Wow!

Well, Tony, it appears that Luke O'Brien has

made a remarkable comeback this afternoon.

I'm baffled by this guy, one moment

he's an idiot, the next, a genius.

That's right. Now, I've just been

informed that we've been joined by

20 more countries broadcasting

this event live around the world.

They include Pakistan,

Hungary, Chile, Bolivia, Iraq,

and Jasmine if you can

believe it or not, North Korea.

Yeah, what this tells me, Barry, is

that there's a lot at stake in this trial,

and my prayers are

with Luke O'Brien.

And he'll need

a lot of prayer.

We'll be right back

after this station break.

That was a dirty,...

cheap, rotten trick, O'Brien,

and you know it.

My client has nothing to do

with the oil industry.

Well maybe you're in denial, Murry,

but your client is Satan!

- That ever cross your mind?

- Oh, you're so done!

By the time I'm through with you,

you won't even be allowed

to take the bar exam in Antarctica.

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