Suing the Devil Page #4

- Mint?

- No, thank you.

What just happened?

Everything's okay,

I just told him off.

- Oh, you told him off.

- Yes.

Well, I get a sense

that we're losing.

Look, don't worry!

Don't you ever tell me

not to worry!

Now you better bring him down

in the next round, or else!

You haven't seen

my bad side!

All rise!

Your honor, the defense calls

Luke O'Brien to the stand.

- Why are they calling you now?

- I have no idea.

- Take him out.

- Yes, sir.

Simple question, Mr. O'Brien.

Do you believe in God?

Yes, I do.

Do you believe in Satan?

But of course.

Really?

I hold in my hand an affidavit.

When your mother died,

a nurse heard you say,

"God how could you

let this happen to me?"

Did you say this?

How's that?

It's not great,

it's a little better.

You're so self-satisfied,

aren't you?

I want this little pipsqueak

destroyed.

Did you say this,

Mr. O'Brien?

Yes, I did.

You said, "God, how could you

let this happen to me?"

I emphasize the word you.

You were blaming God,

not Satan then, right?

Order!

Order! I will not have that

disturbance in my court, thank you.

No further questions,

your honor.

Order!

Order!

Order!

If I hear that noise again you will be

out of this court, do you understand me?

Thank you.

Whoa! It looks like the jury is starting

to favor Satan amazingly enough.

I don't know how he can just sit there

and take it from Satan's lawyers.

Why would Satan bother

to defend himself?

Listen meat face, maybe he had

some free time. Who knows?

I know when someones real and not.

That guy is real. It's really Satan.

Don't ever call me

meat face again.

What have I got myself

into here?

That lawyer today, you know,

he was right.

About what?

I did blame God...

for my mother's death.

You don't need to beat

yourself up about this,

there's so many people

that question God in their life.

Yeah, but he had me there.

God could have easily

prevented her from dying,

but he didn't.

Your honor, I call Satan

to the witness stand.

Do you swear to tell the truth the whole

truth and nothing but the truth?

But this doesn't apply to me!

Are you saying for religious reasons

you don't want to take the oath?

I'm not religious.

Do you admit you're Satan?

I admit nothing, I see nothing,

I hear nothing.

Do you admit that you're the

evil being that stalked Eve?

Objection, assuming facts

not in evidence.

It hasn't been established

that Satan is evil.

- Also leading the witness, your honor!

- It's also irrelevant, your honor.

How does overruled sound?

Now sit down all of you.

I did not stalk Eve, alright?

Actually she came to me.

Just like you come to me, Luke,

over and over again.

I'm sorry, I've never

come to you!

I thought the scriptures

made it perfectly clear.

"He who loves this world

is an enemy of God.' '"

And I guess all those times

that you work so hard

to buy those stupid video games

instead of praying to God.

Oh come on!

Call a spade a spade,

you've come to me

many times.

I want to talk about that night

in October, at the hospital.

The night my mother

was hit by a drunk driver.

- I don't remember.

- Just before she died

- I know you were there.

- I don't remember.

You don't remember? You don't

remember too much, do you?

Well, I don't go around

thinking negative thoughts.

Or insignificant ones.

Insignificant?

- My mother was not insignificant.

- Oh, I know what this is about.

This is about the fact that

your mother died

before you could tell her

how much you loved her.

That's not true.

Oh, the guilt you must

have felt being bad son.

And what about that time you ripped her

Bible up and threw it in the trash, huh?

Oh yeah, good going boy,

you really showed her and God.

You stop, I'm telling you!

- Aw Lukey!

- You stop talking about my mother!

She must have brought you up so well

and she died so young, Lukey boy.

- Security!

- I'll kill you!

- Security!

- Don't talk about my mother!

I didn't mention

your mother!

I mean, look at this guy,

your honor, look at him!

I mean, is that Christian like?

Does that look like

a Christian to you?

- Mr. O'Brien!

- I'll kill you!

Don't you talk about

my mother!

- Order!

- Get off!

- Order!

- I didn't mention his mother!

- Mr. O'Brien!

- That's no Christian!

- That man's barbarian!

- Mr. O'Brien!

You lose it again in my court

and I'll have you held in contempt!

Get off me, get off me!

- Understood?

- Yes, your honor.

I apologize, I'm terribly sorry.

- That's alright.

- My mother was a saint.

Alright, apology taken.

My mother was a saint!

I'm sure she was.

But it's not my fault, is it?

I mean, I'm not to blame.

Think Luke, think.

No further questions for now.

- Let's all take a quick recess.

- Hey Lukey boy, Lukey!

A quick recess!

Remember, it's about

winning the jury, okay?

It's like a bad dream or something,

I can't get out of.

Well, well, well, what

do you guys make of this?

Well, if you want my opinion,

Barry, that guy...

is one burrito short

of a combo plate.

Yes, but did Satan convince the jury that

he's not responsible for Mr. O'Brien's mother.

Of course! The wimp is

blaming everybody but himself,

it's pathetic, it's pitiful,

look at that!

Jasmine, thoughts?

What is this love affair with Satan?

We're talking about Lucifer here,

the monster that brought down

all of humanity,

and you're waxing on about Satan

having a field day, what is this?

Alright guys, let's try to have some

civility here, let's maintain order.

First of all,

that's not Satan.

You know how I know that?

I've seen Satan.

Here, you've seen Satan?

Alright guys, excuse me.

Could we just...

I think the audience would like

to stick to the legal issues.

Bottom line, Barry, Luke's in over

his head and he's no match for Satan!

Good, now what have we got?

- Now the gloves are coming off, my friend...

- That's what I want to hear.

That's what I want to hear.

I want you to go low, low, low.

I want this boy destroyed.

- He's gone.

- Yeah, good.

He is sweet but...

Sending some emails huh?

Oh, spam.

I love...

Do you love spam too?

Okay, court is back in session.

Counsel, proceed.

Counsel?

Plaintiff calls Satan

to the stand.

In the Bible,

in the book of Job,

you attack Job both physically

and spiritually. Why is that?

Finally, in this courtroom,

an intelligent question.

The short answer is...

because I wanted to test him.

And he passed your test?

Yes, I know it's hard to believe,

but yes, he passed.

So doesn't that prove you're responsible

for at least one person's suffering?

Perhaps.

So why couldn't you be responsible

for the rest of the world's suffering too?

Your honor, objection!

Leading the witness!

Overruled. Witness will

answer the question.

Look, I'm not omnipresent.

I can't be in two places at

the same time, only God can.

God could stop me anytime,

but he doesn't.

Really he's the one you should be

asking these questions to.

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