Super Troopers 2 Page #10

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It's a compliment,

shithead.

F*** you,

midget Burt Reynolds.

- Mm.

- Mm-mm.

MAC:
(CHUCKLES)

Oh, a little mnage two.

FARVA AND MAC:
Mm.

- MAC:
Ah.

- THORNY:
Yeah, partner.

- (CHUCKLES)

- (HOWLS)

Can you believe she picked

Donnie Osmond over me?

- MAC:
Yes.

- I mean, is anyone else shocked here?

- No.

- And on my desk?

O'HAGAN:
Shut up, Farva.

This is serious.

- ALL:
Whoa!

- What the f***?

THORNY:
Now how are

we gonna find them?

All those iPhones

had the same number.

Now, if we only

had a triangulator,

we could locate them.

Aha! Take that,

you bastards.

MAC:
Those are the

phones right there.

Enhance.

All right,

but what is this place?

Enhance.

- Enhance.

- Okay, okay.

FOSTER:

"Sciere de la Vache."

All right, you guys speak

French, what does that mean?

(SMACKS LIPS) I don't

know what sciere means

and I also don't know

what vache means.

THORNY:
So you really don't

understand anything?

Sciere de la Vache?

I believe it's

"The Scary Vase".

MAC:
Yeah, yeah. Let's

see, sciere is "beetle".

- Beetle vase. No. Yes.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But la vache is "angry".

"Angry Beetle."

- Okay.

- Yeah. Angry Beetle, we think.

It's "The Sawmill of the Cow",

you idiots!

It's a sawmill!

- Why "Sawmill of the Cow"? No.

- It doesn't make any sense.

Let's go and give those

Canuckleheads

a good old-fashioned

red-white-and-blue,

fist-f***ing!

- (ALL CHEERING)

- Yeah! Let's do it!

FARVA:

Shotgun! Shotgun! Shotgun!

Whoa!

Sh*t.

(SIRENS WAILING)

You know you're always paying

for the sh*t that's free

Hey, pull over.

I gotta take a pee-ahs.

Shouldn't have drank

all that soda.

You know, it just now

occurred to me,

you and I have never been

alone together before.

- Yeah, thank God.

- (SCOFFS)

Seriously. Have we ever had

a one-on-one conversation?

Why would we? You seem

like a pretty boring dude.

You still banging

that blonde cop, or...

You say you want to finish,

but you never start

You want to get it finished

but you just try hard

Where the hell

are they going?

(MUSIC CONTINUES

PLAYING ON RADIO)

That was the turn, back there.

Are you sure?

I don't think so.

Have you completely lost

your sense of direction?

Well, your yelling at me

certainly doesn't help!

Cap's right, Thorn.

That was the turn.

Shut up, Mr. Perfect.

- MAC AND O'HAGAN: Whoa!

- (TYRES SCREECHING)

To broke to pay attention,

better get you some

When trouble's up,

I double up on bubble gum

(MUSIC TURNS OFF)

(SIGHS)

- (SWITCH CLICKS)

- (ROCK MUSIC RESUMES)

I saw that!

Where are those

female sex pills?

Cap!

Give them me!

Give them me!

- Thank you.

- (SIGHS)

FOSTER:
(WHISPERING)

No sign of Rabbit.

But I got two Mountie cars...

and our contraband.

Where the hell's Farva?

Ah. I got him.

(FARVA SNEEZES AND FARTS)

FOSTER:
He's like a walking

hydrothermal explosion.

You want to see

some fartography?

I'm still gonna go back

and get that

butter tart yule log.

All right, boys.

Let's milk this cow.

(KEYS JANGLING)

PODEIN:
I moved this

stuff the last time.

BELLEFUILLE:
I don't

want to lift it either.

PODEIN:

You don't move anything.

You don't move your body,

you don't move boxes.

(WHISPERING)

One, two, three, go!

Alright freeze!

You're under arrest!

Bullshit, eh!

You're under arrest!

Bullshit,

you f***ing smugglers!

We're not the smugglers!

You're the f***ing smugglers.

We're not

the f***ing smugglers!

You're the f***ing smugglers!

O'HAGAN:

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Everyone, lower your weapons!

Something's not right.

Wait, wait, wait.

The old-timey one is right.

Something doesn't add up here.

- (GROWLS)

- (GRUNTS)

- THORNY:
Oh, sh*t!

- Die, you f***ing smuggler!

O'HAGAN:

Farva, you idiot!

(CLAMORING)

Put the gun down!

Put the gun down!

F*** you. F*** you.

Put down the f***in' gun!

Drop the gun,

I don't want to shoot!

You f***in' Canadians!

Cool.

(BOTH WHIMPERS)

What the f***

are you guys doing?

(LIGHTS SWITCH ON)

GUY:

Blinded by the light

Apropos, right?

Go on, kill each other.

What ever happened to "Shoot

first and ask questions later"?

Uh, what the sh*t, Guy?

Why you tell us these guys

are the smuggler, huh?

Well, it's a lot smarter

than telling you

that I'm the smuggler.

What do you mean,

you're the smuggler?

I'm sorry, but what else

was I gonna do?

Being the mayor

of a small Canadian town

sounds romantic and cool.

Being the mayor

of a small American town

sounds like you're a loser.

For reals.

- (BOTH LAUGHING)

- You got to admit it's a good scam.

All along the borderline.

But I never would've

thought that

the guys from

the Fred Savage incident,

would be the ones

to trip me up.

These are the cops

that killed Fred Savage?

Sadly.

But I will say, this little

rivalry between police forces,

is the perfect opportunity

to take you both out.

Well, now we're taking you in.

(CHUCKLES) I'm sorry.

But that's not the way

it's going to go.

Henri, if you

would be so kind.

- THORNY:
No!

- MAC:
Oh, Jesus.

- FARVA:
Holy sh*t!

- And do pay attention to that man behind the curtain.

(MUFFLED WHIMPERING)

Your Rabbit

wasn't quick enough.

Maybe next time,

he'll hop a little faster, eh?

If anything happens to him,

I'm gonna f*** you

six ways to Sunday!

Jeez Louise. Now I know who

gobbled all my Flova Scotia.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

So, drop your guns,

or the Rabbit

and his girlfriend

will multiply

in gruesome fashion.

I'm so sorry.

(MACHINE WHIRRING)

Let her go, Guy. She has

nothing to do with this!

Well, if they put

their guns down,

no harm will come to her.

Go on. Drop them.

(SOFTLY) Drop your guns.

Drop it.

GUY:
Now get those

hands in the air.

Like you just don't care.

So, are you ready...

(STOMPS)

for the big twist?

(WHISTLES)

(SHUDDERING)

What the f***?

What are you doing? What?

Shut the front door!

RABBIT:
Genevieve.

What's going on here?

He'll kill me.

Let me out of my chains.

What the f***

took you so long, Guy?

First I have to have

his circumcised dick in me

and then you tie me

to this log?

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

(SPEAKS FRENCH)

Are you f***ing

kidding me?

(BIDS GOOD-BYE IN FRENCH)

I hate you!

I hate you.

Shoot them.

Shoot them all.

With pleasure, boss.

FARVA:

Hold on!

If I'm going down,

I'm going down American!

Oh say can you sing

By the dawn's early fight

What so loudly we sail

At the nightlife

on the street

And the red

rocking chair

The bombs gasping for air

Gave proof in the life

All right,

enough with that song.

Shoot them.

- (GUNSHOTS)

- (GRUNTS)

(SCREAMING)

Hurry, it's about

to slice my johnson!

This is not happening.

I got it right now,

but I don't feel it

(WHIMPERING)

( MUSIC )

(THORNY YELLING)

That was a hell

of a thing to do.

I guess my maternal

instinct is kicking in.

Go real fast,

I think you got it right now

- (BULLETS FIRING)

- La vache.

What?

Shoot the cow.

Ah!

( MUSIC )

Damn it! I'm out of bullets!

I got one more!

Make it count!

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