Super Troopers 2 Page #9

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Holy Hindu holidays.

There's a new guest

at the party.

AK-47s.

RABBIT:

Hey.

Oh, no, I don't

want to hear it, Rabbit.

Genevieve,

could I just explain?

There is nothing to explain.

They put bears

in our station.

This is Canada!

There are bears everywhere.

There are bears that

go through

my garbage every night.

I have cereal

with bears in it: Bearios.

Canada's most

popular breakfast.

LALOUSH:

Someone say "Bearios"?

(IN FRENCH ACCENT) Hey there, Genny.

Wanna grab some eats?

No, thanks.

Turn that into a maybe

and I'll have your baby.

(CHUCKLES)

Lonnie Laloush?

That's mon nom.

Don't wear it out, eh?

You want a hot coffee?

I'm pouring.

Oui, s'il te plait.

Seems like a real

"dickwa-duh", huh?

I told everyone

how wonderful you all are.

Well, you're not.

You have bad hearts.

Who wants crme fraiche?

Nobody?

(CHEWING LOUDLY)

Okay, no crme fraiche!

- Please just go.

- Genevieve...

Just go.

(GUNS FIRING)

They're actually AK-48s.

Illegal in the U.S.

THORNY:
Why 48?

Because they hold

one extra bullet.

Yeah, sure. You never know

when you're gonna

need just one more.

This one says "Tiger Penis".

Suck it!

Shut up, Farva.

The Chinese use it

to get hard-ons.

I tried to get it once.

- You can't buy it in the United States.

- (SCOFFS)

Dude, what's up

with your mustache?

Nothing.

- Are you wearing a mustache wig?

- No!

It's a postiche, okay?

I'm having a little hair loss.

Don't worry about it.

Worry about your

own goddamn mustache.

F***in' a**hole.

Hey, Mac tell you guys

about our little moment?

Did you, Mac and Cheese?

You told us, Farva.

I don't want to hear it again.

I'm the Cheese.

THORNY:

All right, look, guys.

I know we're

in some serious sh*t here,

but if we can crack this case,

we might just be able to get

beyond this

whole Mountie thing.

We didn't do anything.

Foster, we kidnapped

and impersonated

officers of

a sovereign nation.

Right.

Cuban cigars, Canadian pills,

counterfeit cell phones,

AK-48s and Tiger Penis.

What's the link?

All this stuff is

more valuable in the U.S.

than in Canada.

So, it's

a smuggling operation.

Someone's trying to move

this sh*t over the border.

No, they're not.

Think about it.

This stuff is just sitting on

Canadian land. Yeah. Okay.

But what happens

when this Canadian land

becomes American land?

No need to move it at all.

It's already on U.S. soil.

Exactly, huh?

Passive smuggling. (CHUCKLES)

It's my kind of crime.

So, they must have this sh*t

stashed all along the border.

Yeah. But who is "they"?

Who "are" they.

FOSTER:
Hey, look,

I said this earlier

and you guys laughed at me.

But I think it's the Mounties.

They are sh*t people. Okay?

And they smoke Cubans cigars.

We've seen that.

They're getting transferred

to God knows where.

I mean, what

do they have to lose?

I am starting to agree with

Sherlock McSerpico over here.

- (CLAP ECHOES)

- Ooh!

I'm telling you, fellas.

In my experience,

it's always the local cops.

What would you guys give me

if I kill that bird?

Farva, that's a Bald Eagle!

Get a wig, baldy!

(GUN FIRING)

- Yeah!

- (EAGLE CAWING)

Put the goddamn gun down.

- What?

- (EAGLE SCREECHES, WHIMPERS)

Oh, booyah!

Guys, what do I win?

A one-way ticket to hell.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

This place wishes

it was Shenanigans.

Welcome to Chicanery's, eh!

Can I get you a booth?

Uh, no. We're meeting

somebody here.

Oh, yeah, there he is.

I'll pay the rent

- Cap!

- God knows I've done you wrong

MAC:
Chief, we've been

looking all over for you.

Cap, Cap, Cap, I think

we've figured it out!

- Do you re...

- Chief. I think we cracked the thing.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

I've been waiting

here for an hour.

I think you're gonna

want to know this.

- This is my song.

- I know, but listen, I think we...

- I'm singing here. Sit the f*** down.

- No, no, no.

I'm singing here.

I'm singing here.

Sit the f*** down!

Bill Bailey, won't you

please come home

What can I get for you guys?

Maybe a cold beer?

Liter of cola?

What did you say?

Do you want a liter of cola?

You have that here?

Yeah, we got

the Decaliter Delight.

You get a punch card, you

rack up ten liters of cola,

get yourself a free dessert.

Bring them all.

Bring them all right now.

Bring all ten liters

and the punch card.

I want it all right now.

Come on.

Canada's pretty awesome.

- Boop boop.

- Uh, don't do that.

- Boop beep boo boop beep.

- (STUTTERS) Cut the crap.

- Genevieve?

- (SIGHS)

I feel terrible

about what I said to you.

I know I overreacted.

It's just the town is so upset

about the turnover.

Sure.

Anyway,

you are not a bad person.

Even if you are American.

(LAUGHS)

Well, I've actually been

working on that for you.

- For me?

- Yeah.

Moosehead. Canadian beer.

Beaver chili.

Trs Canadien.

(LAUGHS)

And I've been working

on my French too.

- (ROMANTIC SONG PLAYING)

- (GASPS)

Oh, I love this song!

Oh, it reminds me of summers

on Etang de la Soupe Aux Pois.

(SINGING ALONG IN FRENCH)

Wow! That's very good.

Oh, I wouldn't say that, but,

I don't even know

what it means.

It's a sad song about

the Nazi Occupation of France.

Oh.

I'm sorry. I...

No. No, no.

It's about two lovers

trapped in a war

that neither wanted,

but they love

each other anyway.

Oh.

So much better. (CHUCKLES)

(SONG CONTINUES PLAYING)

- Is this really happening?

- Oh, yes.

I love it.

(GENEVIEVE MOANING)

Wait, wait, wait.

- Where is the fat one's desk?

- Right there.

Okay.

You don't know his name?

Flarvla.

(CHUCKLES)

I smell a new nickname.

Guess we hurry.

Passive smuggling?

It's brilliant.

And it's gotta

be the Mounties.

- Why?

- (SLURPING)

'Cause it's always

the local cops.

Here's your punch card.

(PUNCHING)

Five, six, seven, eight.

Number nine. This is ten.

Technically, you have to drink

all ten to get the dessert.

Oh, you challenging me?

This will be gone

in three seconds.

I'll have

the butter tart yule log.

Come on. Chop-chop!

MAC:

Just do it, dude.

Canada!

And the beauty is,

there's nothing they can do

with all that contraband,

until this land

becomes America.

So all we have to do

is push back the turnover,

until we can find

the rest of the stuff.

O'HAGAN:

Well, you heard LeFranc.

Who knows what's gonna happen

with the turnover?

Whatever happens,

we gotta solve this case. Now.

Let's take another look

at that contraband.

- We may have missed something.

- (SLURPING)

Hold on! I didn't

get my free dessert.

Move it, Farva!

Come on! It's a fucki''

butter tart yule log!

O'HAGAN:

Let's go! Now!

Damn it.

Oh! Whoa! Watch it, pal.

Walk faster, finger blaster.

(BOTH EXHALE)

Son of a... Rabbit!

MAC:

Whoa!

Whoa!

The booty's gone!

Did they take

the Flova Scotia?

In addition to Rabbit!

Hold your bones.

Rabbit's car.

The dash cam! Look at this.

Ooh, you clever

little prick, you.

Prick? I'm tired

of these putdowns!

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