Super Troopers 2 Page #8

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to eat your papers.

(IN FRENCH ACCENT) Can you

show me your party papers?

- You want to see our party papers?

- Party papers?

Bon vivant bouillabaisse,

cul de sac, les serve

chicken cordon bleu.

Formidable

Baton Rouge.

No bles or blis, o bon

pain Chteau Marmont?

- Croque monsieur?

- Croque madame!

(SCOFFS) Non!

Est stupid!

Frre Jacques, Grey

Poupon, Marquis de Sade,

tourette whoop!

Feather duster, croissant,

Les Miserables,

fart catcher,

Luc Robitaille, D'artagnan,

Perrier, Fran Tarkenton,

peanut butter parfait.

Eau de toilette!

(IMITATES MOCKINGLY)

Officers? I'm sorry.

You're, you're obviously in...

No, no, no, no, no.

I must apologize, uh,

for me and my partner.

We should not fight.

To argue is no way

to go through the life.

I know.

- Do you know the key to life?

- What's that?

The key to life is a...

a penis in your a**hole.

I beg your pardon, sir!

I think you must be

saying that wrong!

No, no, no. The key to life

is a penis in your a**hole.

I don't think you're saying

what you mean to say.

Oui! Oui! Oui!

A penis. A penis.

You know, eh, eh, to smile.

To be happy.

Oh!

- "Happiness!"

- (ALL CHUCKLES)

Honey! It's...

Okay.

In your a**hole.

That's...

Your a**hole.

Eh, where you live.

Your apartment,

your domicile.

Your house.

- "Household!"

- Ah!

"The key to life is happiness

in your household!"

Oui, the key to life is

"a penis in your a**hole"!

- Oh!

- I'm trying to tell her that.

(ALL LAUGHING)

What you think I say?

Oh, I don't even

want to tell you.

Maybe they'll get

a kick out of it.

We thought that you said,

that the key to life

is a penis in your a**hole.

Sacrebleu, non!

You Americans think

everyone want to f*** you!

No one want to f*** you!

Merde!

Here is your party papers!

I thought Canadians were nice.

THORNY:
Whoa! Whoa! Wait for me.

Okay.

(LAUGHTER)

I was thinking

we could do like

a "Who's on First?" pullover.

"Rabbit and Fostello."

You know, old-time comedy.

- Love it.

- Ooh.

- How are they back so quick?

- Sh*t! Sh*t, sh*t, sh*t!

- Sh*t!

- Go, go, go, go!

There are these

son-of-a-b*tch guys, eh!

Stomp you a new mudhole!

O'HAGAN:
Whoa, whoa!

What the hell happened

to you guys?

They dump us in the woods!

What?! Why would we do that?

We're the police.

Too bad for you

my dad dropped me in the woods

- naked every summer!

- Hah?

Oh, sounds too bad for you.

Come on. You know you do this.

Look at us.

We are paint all red,

white and blue.

Aren't those the colors

of the French flag?

(SPUTTERS) Oh, the

color the French flag.

Perhaps the guys

who did this were British.

Could've been Costa Rican.

Who wants breakfast burritos?

- (SPEAKS FRENCH)

- (EXCLAIMING)

Take that off

or I'll kill you.

Let's settle this

the Canadian way!

You're in America now!

(CLAMORING)

Hey! What's going on here?

Great Tim Horton's ghost!

First, I get a call

that the Mounties

are out farting sideways

on the highways.

Then I get a call

to come down here.

BELLEFUILLE:

Oh, it wasn't us!

These f***ing guys,

they kidnap us

and they leave us

in the woods to die.

Yeah, then they steal

all three of our uniform, eh.

These guys put a bear in our station!

A real bear. Big bear!

You don't have

any proof of that.

A real bear?

Maybe. And maybe

they deserve a bear!

- (CLAMORING)

- Nobody deserves a bear!

I give a bear to you!

- We could have been eaten!

- (LAUGHING)

Why you laughing, Guy?

Fellas, you are thinking

about this all wrong, eh?

These guys?

They impersonated officers.

There is no way they're

holding onto their jobs.

And I'll do you one better.

When I get done talking to my

good friend Justin Trudeau...

Eh, the Prime Minister!

I bet you this

whole turnover thing

goes right out the window.

Boom!

So, boys, unpack your bags.

Revive those cable bundles.

'Cause you are

not going anywhere.

I say we celebrate. What are

we having for breakfast?

- Pancake.

- Pancake, yeah?

All right.

Oatmeal and raisins it is.

- Oh.

- Kidding. It's pancakes.

Eh, pancake! Maybe two eggs

side by each, eh?

I don't want this oatmeal.

BELLEFUILLE:
Maybe you put the

raisins inside the pancake.

Genevieve, wait.

You brought this

on yourselves.

They put a bear...

This is bad, fellas.

This is "Fred Savage

Ridin'-Along Incident" bad.

Tell that to Fred Savage.

Well, no sense in having

good breakfast go to waste.

- I've lost my appetite.

- I'm sorry, man.

- I'm just not hungry.

- (CHUCKLES AND STAMMERS)

You try to do something

nice for people,

and then it just,

I just, you know.

What's the point?

Stop taking

female hormones!

Makin' money

Makin' dollars,

makin' money

MAC:
Can we

please come in, Cap?

- He's taking years off my life.

- (BURPING)

O'HAGAN:

Just the bad years, kid.

- I'm serious, Cap. I'm about to snap like a dry twig.

- (BURPS)

Things are still pretty dicey here.

Best keep Farva away.

We'll let you know

when the coast is clear.

(MUSIC PLAYING

ON EARPHONES)

(LOUDLY) Have you

heard the new Kanye?

He's not just about big butts!

He's a really good singer.

(FARVA CHEWING LOUDLY)

This is great. It's like

being on the road again.

I like to chew mint gum

when I'm on the road.

When I'm radio, it's fruit.

You know, like Juicy Fruit,

Bubblicious, Hubba Bubba.

Anything fruity.

On the road,

I like mint, though.

Mint, mint, mint, mint, mint.

And Beech-Nut,

have you tried that?

They should call it

"Beech-Not!" (CHUCKLES)

Oh, sh*t, I'm gonna

write that down.

What kind of gum do you chew?

They should make

a black mint gum.

That would be choice.

They could call it

"Minty Black".

Yeah, I'm gonna

write that down too.

- No one would buy that.

- What?

No one would buy

that stupid gum.

(UNZIPS)

- Bullshit.

- (URINATING)

They'd buy it

if it was on Friends.

Like if Ross

or Rachel chewed it,

it'd sell like hotcakes.

Are you a mutant?

You follow me out here while I'm

pissing just to tell me this sh*t?

Quit looking at my dick.

I'm not looking at your dick.

We're taking a piss.

- So, piss.

- I don't have to go.

(ENGINE ROARING)

I'll f*** that Canadian

right in his back bacon!

Rod! Rod!

(GRUNTING)

- (CHUCKLES) Yeah!

- Farva!

- (SIREN WAILING)

- Farva!

Farva!

(TYRES SCREECH)

Dumb f***.

(ALARM BEEPING)

- Unbelievable.

- (BEEPING STOPS)

Who pops an airbag?

God. You weigh a ton.

You gotta be shitting me.

Don't die on me, Farva.

Okay. You can do it.

(MAC GAGS)

Oh! F***!

From upside down,

your mustache looks

like a big hairy smile.

Why would you

give me the Shocker?

My way of saying, "Thanks,

honey. You saved my life."

I was dead. I went to Heaven.

And you were there.

- You know what you were doing?

- What?

Trying to make out with me,

sweetheart! I'm on to you.

(CHUCKLES) Come here.

Give me some more of that.

(MAKES KISSING NOISES)

What the hell is that?

(FARVA GROANS)

Well, hello, Laverne!

Looks like the same stuff.

Yeah, but a sh*t-ton

more of it.

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