Superbad Page #10

What did I say to you?

I told you not to park here.

Why Would you park

in the staff parking lot?

Shut the f*** up, Fogell.

I mean, because you're not staff.

I knoW that, Fagell! I knoW that!

Evan, let's go to your house.

Wait, are you guys

still picking me up from Work?

Can you ansWer me?

Man, don't you have

any non-infant clothes?

- It'll be fine.

- Yeah.

Why don't you just Wear

What you Wore to school?

I can't do that. I can't let Jules

see me in What I Wore to school.

It's completely unbecoming.

No one's gotten a handjob

in cargo shorts since Nam.

I have to kill these guys.

You don't negotiate With terrorists.

Really? Yeah, that's What

We should be talking about right noW.

Then Why don't you go

and get some of your oWn clothes?

That's the dumbest thing ever.

My parents Will see that my car's

been toWed and I'll be grounded.

These f***ing terrorists

multiply like bunnies.

Where did I leave the M16?

Do you have any bigger clothes

or do you only shop at babyGap?

F*** me. I can't--

That's fun.

Why do they make that?

If you can't even Win,

then Why am I f***ing playing?

Do you Wanna go see

What my dad has?

What the f***?

What the hell is that?

It's a f***ing vest, dumbass.

- I'm trying to look older.

- You look like Pinocchio.

- It's just a vest.

- They got a lot of booze in there.

If We get it noW, We can get

to the party faster With Jules' sh*t.

No Way, man. I Work there.

They knoW I'm not 25.

Nobody said anything about you,

dick-mouth.

You really f***ed me on this one.

So noW I'm gonna steal the booze.

Don't do this.

I promise you I'll get the liquor later.

Mike Snider's ID alWays Works.

So Will mine, man.

Mike Snider's ID doesn't have

one f***ing name on it! Okay?

I thought you Dartmouth guys Would

be smart enough to understand that.

NoW Seth's gotta

pick up all the pieces.

He Won't do it. Don't Worry.

I forgot to tell you, my mom said We

can have the TV from the basement--

Shut the f*** up,

he's gonna hear you.

Just be quiet.

Wait until he goes aWay.

You still haven't told him

that We're rooming together?

Fogell, shut the f*** up.

And take off your vest.

You look like Aladdin.

Okay. You got it.

Hope piggy can run.

HoW old are you?

TWenty-tWo.

You certainly are.

That'll be 80 dollars.

Okay.

Thank you kindly. Will that do?

Certainly Will. Thank you, Seth.

Hey, thank you.

You dropped your purse, ma'am.

Would you like some help?

Well, that Would be lovely,

young man.

Would you like me

to buy you alcohol?

That Would be lovely.

- Enjoy your remaining years.

- I Will.

- Enjoy f***ing Jules.

- I Will.

Don't do it, kid.

I never had a choice.

You f***ing killed her!

No!

Where's all the stolen liquor?

Did you hide it up your butt?

Piss off! I Was gonna do it,

but there Was a security breach.

You never Would've done it.

Let's go to a liquor store

and Watch your stupid ID get rejected.

Wait, I'm gonna go put my vest

back in my locker.

All right. Here We are. This is it.

- You ready? Yeah?

- Yeah.

- Here's the money and the list.

- Change is yours. Keep the change.

- Thank you. What's the list for?

- The alcohol.

We're gonna get alcohol

for the Whole party, okay?

We put a lot of time into this list,

so don't f*** it up.

It's perfect.

Ouzo, bourbon,

spiced rum, Goldslick... .

Goldslick Vodka. That's for Becca.

Don't forget that.

Raspberry vodka, Scotch... .

And Kyle's Killer Lemonade.

A six-pack.

This is a lot. I don't knoW

if I can get aWay With all this.

What difference does it make?

I don't knoW, man.

I'm, like, really nervous.

- Are you okay?

- No, man. I should have Wore the vest.

- Calm doWn.

- What the f*** are you doing?

What if I go in

and they turn me doWn, man?

Then We're in the same place

We're in noW.

- Who cares?

- It's f***ing humiliating!

Everybody sees them

kicking me out.

What if they make me

put the liquor back? I can't do that.

This Whole thing

is bigger than you, Fogell!

So groW a pair of nuts and f***ing

Walk in there and buy the alcohol!

What if I don't feel like it

anymore, Seth? What?

Then I'll f***ing kill you, okay?

I'll stab you

through your f***ing heart.

No, you can do this, man.

Come on.

Killing me Won't get you alcohol.

I'm the one With the fake ID.

Then I'll cut

your dumb f***ing face off...

...throW it over mine and get your ID

and buy it my f***ing self!

Oh, really? You don't have

the technology or the steady hands...

...to pull off a procedure like that,

so ha!

Peace.

Fogell, just be cool, man.

Get in and get out.

You're the hero.

Sorry.

Is there a problem here, sir?

No. No problem Whatsoever.

Sir, did you do this? On the floor?

No.

And you should really clean this up.

Someone could really

hurt themselves.

F*** my life.

We're so f***ed.

We're so f***ed.

This plan's been f***ed

since Jump Street.

Okay, just calm doWn.

Just calm doWn, all right?

Hey, so did you bring a condom

for tonight?

You brought a condom With you?

Yeah. I figured

I might as Well, you knoW?

I brought a little bottle

of spermicidal lube too.

You laughed in my face

When I said I'd be having sex tonight.

That doesn't mean

you shouldn't alWays be prepared.

- You didn't even bring a condom?

- No.

No, Evan,

that Wasn't part of the plan.

You did this

Without consulting With me.

We've never discussed, like, any plan,

but you keep saying We have a plan.

I had, like, a general outline.

You knoW?

I Was gonna go doWn on her

for, like, several hours, okay?

She Would love that. She'd be smitten.

She'd go out With that.

Or I dry hump the sh*t out of her leg.

Well, I just-- I don't see the harm

in bringing one little condom.

And one little bottle

of spermicidal lube?

Yeah, one little bottle

of spermicidal lube.

- Evan, that's psycho sh*t, man.

- No, it's not.

That's, like, Charles Manson sh*t.

What, do you think Becca's gonna be

psyched that you brought lube?

"Oh, Evan. Thank you for bringing

that lube for my p*ssy.

I never Would've been able to handle

your f***ing 4-inch dick...

...inside my p*ssy

Without that gigantic bottle of lube."

- Okay, that's-- That's enough.

- F***.

These girls are 18,

they're not dried-up old ladies.

- They're good to go.

- Then I Won't bring the lube.

Don't make me feel like that.

I thought it Was cool.

- This is a nice kind.

- Let me see that for a second.

- An impressive kind.

- It is kind of cool.

- That's cool.

- F***ing dumbass. Lube?

- That's funny.

- You brought lube?

You oWe me 6 bucks because I'm not

Walking over to get it and it exploded.

Hello, Mindy.

I love that stuff.

Been drinking it for years.

You knoW, I heard they recently

decided to add more hops to it.

Okay.

I'm gonna need to see

some identification.

Really?

Makes me feel young again.

There you go.

Oh, sh*t, it's Cary Hutchins.

She had the biggest tits

I've ever seen.

I heard she got

breast-reduction surgery.

What? Making your tits smaller?

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