Superbad Page #9

That's nice of you. Thank you.

So should I just get a shitload

of different sh*t?

Well, you gotta get me

some Kyle's Killer Lemonade.

Kyle's Killer Lemonade. That's kind of

gay, but I can get it for you.

So-- Okay, so then

We Will see you tonight.

Go to the ball, guys.

Evan. Get into the game.

Kick it over to me.

Seth! Get off the field!

Get out of here.

They're gonna make me run laps.

Just f***ing listen, okay?

Jules and her stupid f***ing friend

asked me to buy her alcohol.

But not just her, for her Whole party.

You knoW What that means?

By some miracle, We Were paired up

and she actually thought of me.

Thought of me enough to decide

I Was the guy she Would trust...

...With the Whole fun-ness of her party.

She Wants to f*** me.

She Wants my dick

in or around her mouth.

Did you think that maybe

she's using you to get her alcohol?

- She doesn't Want your dick.

- Of course I thought of that.

The first thing that came

to my mind. Listen.

My older brother alWays says

the nastiest sh*t.

Like he called me "hymen"

until I Was 12.

Seth, I Wanna bloW you.

She didn't say that. Come on.

She didn't say the second part,

the first--

She's got an older brother.

She could have asked him.

She looked me in the eyes and said:

"Seth, Mom is making a pubie salad.

I need some Seth's OWn dressing."

She's D.T.F.

She's doWn to f***, man.

P in vagi.

She Wants to f***, man.

Tonight is the night

that f***ing is an actual possibility.

You sound like an idiot.

You're not gonna sleep With her.

No. Dude, I knoW

I talk a lot of sh*t, okay?

But she's gonna be at the party

and she's gonna be drunk.

She likes me at least a little.

At the very least, I'll make out With her.

TWo Weeks, handjob.

Month, bloWj*b. Whatever.

And then I make her my girlfriend.

And I've got, like,

tWo solid months of sex.

By the time college rolls around...

...l'll be like the Iron Chef

of pounding vag.

Can We talk about this later?

What the f***, Evan?

We're doWn tWo points.

F***ing calm doWn, Greg.

It's soccer.

- It's soccer.

- F*** you, man.

Hey, Greg, Why don't you go

piss your pants again?

- That Was eight years ago, a**hole.

- People don't forget.

Do you Wanna hear the best part?

Becca.

You do the same thing With her.

When you guys are shitfaced,

you get With her.

This is our last party

as high school people.

I've ignored my hatred for Becca

in coming up With this plan.

I'm flexing nuts. Just f***ing

come With me on this voyage...

...and stop being a p*ssy

for once...

...and We can f***ing

f*** some girls already.

- I should buy Becca alcohol?

- Yeah, it'll be pimp.

That Way you knoW she'll be drunk.

You knoW When girls say:

"I Was so shitfaced last night.

I shouldn't have f***ed that guy."

We could be that mistake!

Have you talked to Fogell?

All right, you talk to Becca.

I'll talk to that retard, Fogell.

Don't Worry.

- Seth, get off the field!

- Goal.

- You're getting that!

- No, I'm not!

Hey, Becca. Hey, hold up.

- Oh, hey.

- Hey.

Hi. Did you hear

about the party tonight?

Yeah. Yeah, I just heard.

It sounds aWesome.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm going.

- Really?

- Yeah, I'm gonna go.

That's Why I came looking for you.

Me and the guys are gonna

go to a liquor store.

And I just thought, you knoW...

...if you needed someone

to get you yours, I could do that.

I could be that person.

Yeah.

Yeah, no, that Would be great.

That Would save me such a hassle,

because I Was gonna beg my sister.

Could you get me, like,

a bottle of Goldslick Vodka?

Yeah. That's the one

With the little golden flakes in it?

- Yeah. The girly one.

- That's classy.

Well, I'll pay you back at the party.

No, you Won't.

No, it's my treat, miss.

- Really?

- Yep. That's that.

It's the first of many too,

so get used to it, sister.

Well, thank you.

Yeah, no problem.

- I'm sorry. It Was an accident.

- It's okay.

I Was gonna give you a nudge--

A punch, the friend thing.

I didn't mean--

- Hey, Becca.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- Gaby.

- What's up, Evan?

- Hey, Gaby.

- We should get to class.

- We're gonna go.

- So I Will see you tonight.

- Okay.

- Really, don't Worry.

- Okay. Sorry.

- Bye.

- Sorry.

Bye.

Sorry.

Where's that sack of sh*t, Fogell?

He said he'd be here.

I'm here With my thumb up my ass.

I did it, dude.

I even offered to pay for it.

It Was pimp.

I feel like a pimp right noW.

- Like one of those pimps.

- That is f***ing pimp.

- That's What I Was afraid of.

- Why didn't I think of that? Sh*t.

Sh-- We're screWed.

- Okay? We're screWed.

- Okay.

This is What We get

for trusting Fogell, okay?

He pussied out.

I knoW he pussied out.

What are you making?

I'm just drilling holes.

The last tWo Weeks. F*** it.

What do We tell the girls,

We couldn't do the one thing...

...We promised because

We're dickless incompetents?

NoW We're never gonna bone

because of that used tampon, Fogell.

HoW'd he get into Dartmouth?

I don't get it. He's got sh*t for brains.

All right,

hoW else can We get alcohol?

- Yo, guys! What's up?

- Fogell, Where have you been, man?

You almost gave me

a goddamn heart attack.

- Let me see it. Did you p*ssy out?

- No, no, man. I got it.

It's flaWless. Check it.

HaWaii?

All right, that's good.

It's hard to trace, I guess.

Wait, you changed your name

to McLovin?

- Yeah.

- McLovin?

What kind of a stupid name is that?

Are you an Irish R & B singer?

They let you pick any name you Want

When you're there.

And you landed on McLovin?

Yeah, it Was betWeen that

or Mohammad.

Why the f*** Would it be

betWeen that or Mohammad?

Why not just pick

a common name?

Mohammad is the most common name

on earth. Read a f***ing book.

Have you ever met anyone

named Mohammad?

Have you ever met anyone

named McLovin?

No, that's Why you picked

a dumb f***ing name.

- F*** you.

- Give me that.

All right. You look like a future

pedophile in this picture, number one.

Number tWo, it doesn't even have

a first name. It just says McLovin!

What? One name?

One name? Who are you, Seal?

Fogell, this ID says

you're 25 years old.

Why Wouldn't you just put 21, man?

Seth, Seth, Seth.

Listen up, ass-face.

Every day, hundreds of kids go into

the liquor store With their fake IDs...

...and every single one

says they're 21.

HoW many 21 -year-olds

are in this toWn?

It's called f***ing strategy.

Let's stay calm, okay?

Let's not lose our heads.

It's a fine ID. It'll-- It's gonna Work.

It's passable, okay?

This isn't terrible.

I mean, it's up to you, Fogell.

This guy's gonna think,

"Here's a kid With a fake ID"...

...or "Here's McLovin, the 25-year-old

HaWaiian organ donor."

Okay? So, What's it gonna be?

I am McLovin.

No, you're not. No one's McLovin.

McLovin's never existed...

...because that's a made-up, dumb,

f***ing fairy-tale name, you f***!

Jeez, man. It'll Work.

Give it a chance.

Did you move my--?

Where is my car?

Oh, my God, man.

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